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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

5:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Update: Not only has John Walker Lindh survived two years in prison, he's still got the sack to snivel for a sentence reduction. Understand that the President of the United States would have to sign off on that. I will bet anyone reading this $5 that Charles Manson steps out into the world of free men before Johnny Three Names can find a sympathetic ear in the White House.   [++link]

Monday, September 27, 2004

3:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Abu Ghraib Aufseherin Lynndie England is set for a January court-martial, having been charged with, among many other offenses, "wrongfully creating sexually explicit photographs of herself."

Wrongfully, wrongfully, wrongfully.

Somewhere out there in the Jupiter-sized storm of electronic information we live in, there is an image of Pfc. England with a dick in her mouth. Because of the unpredictable nature of the InfoStorm, we can never be 100% sure that we are safe from seeing said image; and once it is seen, it can never be unseen.

I'm considering a civil suit against the misshapen little bitch on this basis alone. If anyone wants to make it a class-action suit, give a call.   [++link]

1:41 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

The "How F/ing American Are You" Quiz didn't tell me anything I didn't already know (I'm a "Bleeding Heart Liberal") but it was amusing. Then, in a burst of serendipity, I came across this little tidbit, which made me jump up and down screaming, "Well go get him, you stupid fucks!!!!" Maybe I should retake the test and find out if I'm some sort of Rambetty.   [++link]

12:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm posting this mostly for my own reference, since I do not have enough utterly useless information crowding out all rational thought in my brain. For the rest of you who might also be afflicted with an interest, I give you An Explanation of Cricket.  [++link]

10:40 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Someone take the How F/ing American Are You? quiz, tell me if it's funny. There's a limit to how much I dick around at work, and that limit is Trey & Matt tie-ins.   [++link]

2:09 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Most Delightfully Surreal Thing I've Seen This Month: Kermit the Frog calling Justin Timberlake a douchebag on national television. Yes, it's sacrilegious and I'm sure Jim Henson is whirling in his grave, but it gave me a much-needed gutbusting laugh. And if the late great St. Jim had sat through any of JT's performances, I'm sure he'd be hard-pressed to disaree with his little green compatriot. I'd also like to think that St. Jim would be as pleased as I was to see something actually worth laughing at on Saturday Night Live this decade.   [++link]

Saturday, September 25, 2004

9:45 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well I guess that answers one of the bigger questions out there. But shouldn't we be slightly scared of people who make life decisions based on Far Side gags?   [++link]

Thursday, September 23, 2004

3:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I respect people who have decided to lose weight and are willing to follow a strict if bizarre regimen, e.g., Atkins or any other such lo-carb thing. The people I have a problem with are the zombies who start snapping up anything labeled "lo-carb" for the pure totemic value of the label. This is the sort of consumer behavior that gave us fat-free and sugar-free everything on earth. You numbskulls are destroying our way of life with this damned nonsense.   [++link]

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

10:25 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Me Big Dork Alert! The Tertiary Phase of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (aka Life, the Universe and Everything) premieres on BBC Radio 4 today at 1:30 pm US Eastern Time and is (should be) available via Real Audio. It stars as much of the original radio cast as is still alive (and one rather prominent voice that isn't alive per se or, really, at all). I am atwitter with excitment. And because I have absolutely nothing to do with my time, there's also an online version of the old Infocom Hitchhiker's game (authored by D. Adams himself); one of the first computer games (along with Infocom's Leather Goddesses of Phobos") I ever bought. Share and enjoy.   [++link]

Monday, September 20, 2004

10:30 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I am equal parts enthusiastic and apprehensive. Part of me is really looking forward to watching Kerry wipe the walls with "President" Shrub. Let's face it, Kerry has the upper hand intellectually and can speak extemporaneously without mangling his syntax. On the other hand, we all know what happened to kids like John Kerry on the playground. Part of me worries that our Idiot-Manchild-in-Chief will just pull his "aw-shucks-guys-I'm-just-plain-folks" routine, and undecided voters will decide that they prefer the slackjawed yokel to the uppity smart kid.
Of course, Shrub's Texas drawl has all the authenticity of Angelina Jolie's affectation of British gentry in the Tomb Raider movies, and as my dearly beloved Molly Ivins says, "Real Texans don't use the word 'summer' as a verb." But somehow people eat up Shrub's faux populism like free barbecue.
So, if John Kerry were to ask me, I'd tell him to put the hay down where the goats can get it:
"Shrub, point one: I was in Vietnam. I volunteered and I showed up. Where the fuck were you?
Point two: I voted to support your bullshit war in Iraq because I believed the same lies you told all these taxpayers. Like them, I think you got some 'splainin' to do.
And most important of all, point three: what the fuck business did we have launching a war against Saddam Hussein when Osama bin Laden -- someone who actually had attacked us -- was and is still at large?
Shrub, you fell for one of the classic blunders...never get involved in a land war in Asia! And dumbass, you're doing it times two!"
Of course, Kerry is too dignified to quote movies in his campaign rhetoric. And he's not asking me to write his speeches. Too bad. Maybe he should just hand Shrub a copy of "My Pet Goat" when it's his turn to speak.   [++link]

3:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Science now shows us that the actual effects of the Wasabi Brain Melt sensation are counterintuitive in the extreme. Dude.  [++link]

Friday, September 17, 2004

2:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Talk Like A Pirate Day is this Sunday (September 19). So you have to annoy your friends and fellow churchgoers instead of your co-workers this year. On the plus side, it's way easier to do a pirate voice when you are hung the hell over. Yo Ho Ho!  [++link]

Thursday, September 16, 2004

10:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Johnny Ramone has hitched his last ride to Rockaway Beach.

One more dead Ramone might not be the biggest news of the week, but do a quick flow chart in your mind of the bands that wouldn't have existed without Johnny & Co. having reclaimed guitar rock from all the blouse-wearing Berklee School of Music fusspots and their flying fingers of dull. I'll get you started: We wouldn't have the Sex Pistols, which means no Joy Division, no New Order, and no Interpol. We also wouldn't have the Buzzcocks, the Runaways, the Teen Idles, the Pixies, or much of anything that didn't sound like Journey or the Eagles.

Little shits like me reading Circus and Creem in 1978 knew that we were being cheated by everything on the radio. We didn't necesarily want something better, but we knew there had to be something else, and if it meant destroying everything and starting over from bare concrete, hey, that was perfectly okay.

What we got was a pellet-eyed slackjaw from New Jersey playing remedial guitar behind a skinny dude with a half-octave vocal range. They never got any better, they just got older and uglier, until their unglamorous old-guy hospital deaths.

Job well done. Ave atque vale.  [++link]

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

5:14 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

The top two reasons for hating life in the DC Metro area have nothing to do with Code Orange alerts or Code Red summer days. No, the main things that cause people to bitch about life in our nation's capital are autumnal: football season and election time.

Dazed and confused football fans are dazed and confused football fans worldwide, I know. But only hardcore Redskins fans have that cultish glaze over their eyes when they insist that "This is the year!" despite the previous season's abysmal performance -- and now they all have that smug, vindicated look on their faces that says The Return of Joe Gibbs would be great material for Mel Gibson's next historical epic.

And speaking of dazed and confused, he's baaaaaaack. For God's sake, people, no one other than Ralph Nader is going to sign on to DC statehood if folks keep electing crack-pipe-wielding nutjobs to office. It used to be that in public life, a man wasn't truly finished unless they found a dead girl or a live boy in his bed. Ted Kennedy, Gary Condit and Michael Jackson are all out to prove us wrong. Leave it to Marion Barry to raise the stakes: Nixon and Dracula are easier to kill than this horrorshow.   [++link]

1:05 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Man, somebody was pissed off about that necrophilia ban.  [++link]

Friday, September 10, 2004

9:14 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Enormous Funsters seem to be all taking the week off. Really, it's better this way. Tomorrow is the 9/11 attackiversary, and we Washingtonians feel it keenly, too, brothers and sisters. I have spent most of the week wanting to either hide under the bed or rant like a maniac. Remember: it wasn't just New York, and the bad guy is still out there.
And I'll stop there, because if I really get going on this subject, I risk coming across as somebody that even Michael Moore wouldn't want to sit next to at a dinner party.
We resume our regular sarcasm, geek references, and idiosyncrasies next week. Thank you for visiting.   [++link]

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

10:03 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Ave atque Burn in Hell.   [++link]

9:45 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I am so totally moving to this neighborhood. After all, prices will be dropping like stones after this.  [++link]

Thursday, September 02, 2004

5:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I've been watching bits of the RNC; I have nothing to say that you can't get from your own sources, presuming you read Glenn or Sullivan or Kaus or some filthy newspaper. I had a lengthy screed prepared about which of the twins I'd rather scrog, but that's only so funny, and besides I'm getting on an international flight on Monday and I'd rather not have any extra no-fly points.

(Barbara, of course. Mean, smirky brunettes are my Kryptonite.)

Oh, right: I'm going on vacation. You may have noticed that the blog has sucked more than usual of late; so have I. I'm burnt. I need some time off, and I haven't had a vacation in years and haven't been overseas in even longer. So me and the girlfriend are going to London.

We've both been to the UK before, and got shortchanged on seeing London, so we're both righting a wrong here. Amusingly, most of the things on our must-see list are museums and cool buildings. We are not much for the nightlife.

Anyway, I am all aflutter with final prep and will not be posting much or probably at all until mid-month. I will bring back stories; wish me luck.
  [++link]

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