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Tuesday, July 30, 2002

9:07 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, at least one of them knows the answer for sure now. (Take a good look at that dateline, and tell me He doesn't have a sense of humor, sick though it may be.)   [++link]

Monday, July 29, 2002

9:34 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

What, did someone throw piss on her again? Please, girleen, let me offer you a trial subscription to Sit Down and Shut the Fuck Up, okay? You know you've done too many Pepsi commercials when you start talking like Bob Dole.   [++link]

Sunday, July 28, 2002

4:43 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Since Our Kindly Uncle is on vacation, I humbly approach the keyboard for this week's installment of Linking to Weebl and Bob:

Shiver me shurikens! Those jams always up to no good.   [++link]

Friday, July 26, 2002

9:44 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Ozzy in excelsis Deo.   [++link]

9:40 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Comrades, I have of late been really pissed off at the universe, and for good reason. I won't go into the reasons why. But today, suddenly, I learned that I have reason to rejoice again. Someone over at Fox must have found a cure for cranial rectumitis. See you Sunday!!!   [++link]

3:36 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Porn, through the eyes of a very witty and perceptive stranger. (I could try to be clever about this link, but I don't want to be flip. She's got enough to deal with.)   [++link]

3:31 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Strangely literal dessert-themed trauma: Death By Chocolate.  [++link]

Thursday, July 25, 2002

4:57 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Hey buddy, when the vote is 420 to 1, look at who that one is. Still unclear? Dial 1-800-555-C-L-U-E. Operators are waiting to assist you. Don't let the door hit your polyester-bell-bottom-clad ass on the way out.   [++link]

4:43 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I remember throwing punches around and preaching from my chair.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

8:24 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Yeah, I'd definitely want my beer logo cigarette lighter to be kid-safe, wouldn't you? I'm sure Darwin would want it that way.   [++link]

8:15 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Congress gets its very own Manson trial. (Tell me you wouldn't vote to expel a guy from your workplace after he'd threatened to kick you in the crotch.)   [++link]

7:50 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Where have you gone, Amy Splitt?   [++link]

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

10:53 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

It's so totally wrong of me to have read this. I'm taking all of you down with me, by God.   [++link]

10:42 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Please tell me they're talking about freight.   [++link]

10:39 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Trying very hard not to make this a Cheap Shot file, but...if you can put one twatty little N'Stink-er in space, why not all of them? And leave them there?

I see this as one more nail in the coffin of Western Civilization as we know it: Rich Twats Amuse Themselves by blowing their money on "adventures" or "accomplishments" that have no impact on the scientific community and do not improve the human condition - indeed, 99.99999999999% of the people on earth are totally unaffected by these stunts, yet these guys act as though they are doing the human race a favor by pursuing these "ambitions".

Assholes. You want to go into space? Go to school, study engineering, apply yourself, fucking well earn it. Otherwise, if you can't think of anything better to do with your money, give it to people who can put it to good use. And I don't mean Merrill Lynch or MC Hammer.   [++link]

9:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Gazza!! DC United is getting Gazza for at least a few games, until he gets a real whiff of the weather we have and tells us to go shit.  [++link]

Monday, July 22, 2002

10:36 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

lo. i have become death. stealer of pie.  [++link]

9:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The only reason for the continuing existence of Carrot Top? Cartoons busting on Carrot Top. When those stop being amusing, I say we take that human pop-under ad and scoop out his goop like a pumpkin.  [++link]

12:57 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Good news for fans of Potter/Malfoy slash fic: Guess who's directing Prisoner of Azkaban?  [++link]

Sunday, July 21, 2002

12:45 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And yes, I'm back. I had been visiting out West, in a home that had a Fuckingmac. I am not particularly adept with those. But, ah my foes, and oh, my friends, Out West they had gallons and gallons of non-Starbucks coffee everywhere you went, bookstores the size of city blocks, and no sales tax.

Then Willow cut out the heart of a deer, put it in some jar she got on eBay, yelled at Osiris, coughed up a snake, and wham, I'm back. Oooooh, head rush.   [++link]

12:19 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And here's a guy who won't make their Hall of Fame... as if any of us are going to buy that old "he fell down the steps and broke his neck" story. Sheesh. Remember the Good Old Days, when Soviet leaders died after they hadn't been seen in public for a few months 'cause they had a bad case of the sniffles?   [++link]

12:11 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

What amuses me is that it's so easy to find. You'd think they be out in the boonies somewhere, or at least require a secret password to get in. But hey, it's a museum, not a trendoid nightclub.   [++link]

Saturday, July 20, 2002

11:14 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Deep down, I really do feel sorry for them. But my gut reaction is, "Oh please oh please, let them both get a lifetime subscription to Sit Down and Shut the Fuck Up."  [++link]

Friday, July 19, 2002

1:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

What day is it? It's laundry day here, but in Britain it's Brian May's Birthday! Go get a giant perm, play your guitar with a coin instead of a pick, put on a dyspeptic face, and pay tribute, peasant.  [++link]

1:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Usually the responsible mainstream press is shy about publishing the box scores for serial killers, as they are concerned about "glamourising" them and thus encouraging kids who'd otherwise want to be sporties or lawyers or suchlike. Or so goes the logic. I don't think publishing the Shipman total is inconsistent with that, however, since numbers like this would make the most disturbed adolescent give up in despair.  [++link]

Thursday, July 18, 2002

1:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oh dear god. This is too good to be true. You fat, bloated eeeeeee-diot...  [++link]

12:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Okay: bin Laden's people say he ate some shrapnel, but it was only a flesh wound and he's fine now, so Honky Beware. Our FBI guy talks some sloppy shit about "we don't have any proof he's alive, and I feel in my tummy-tum that he's probably dead". Huh. Both sides have their reasons to be spreading disinfo, but who to go with on this? Well, we don't have any proof that the FBI could identify bin Laden's whereabouts if he was taking a crap in the front lobby of the Hoover building...  [++link]

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

10:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Who do we hate on in the comic strip stylee at any op? Got to be Carrot Top, yup.  [++link]

12:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Feel like shit this morning? Maybe that last round was a bad idea. Well, now you have the rest of the day to look forward to, seeping alcohol from your pores and burping up burning bile. Ah, yes. Or you could eat a rock.  [++link]

12:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

We got newly unearthed Python sketches, c/o the late Graham. Graham was gay and stuff, and didn't mind being loud about it in pubs, which was some brave shit back in the 70s.   [++link]

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

10:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Contest: Anyone who can explain to me why Hillary Clinton thinks it's her place to direct policy regarding the future of the WTC site gets a drink at the bar of their choice. Two drinks if you can explain to me why New York City hasn't risen up and told her to shut her carpetbagging pie-hole.  [++link]

10:37 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Our government is recruiting snitches on the Web. Sign up today, you might get an official AmericaSnitch ID card, you crawling, detestable little toady.   [++link]

10:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

As you of course know, the original Big Brother series was on Dutch TV. The Dutch have a weird, weird relationship with voyeurism and totalitarianism. I'll write a book on this someday; right now I'm just trying to get a grip on why they're televising the exhumation of Pim Fortuyn.  [++link]

10:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Cat-like typing detected.  [++link]

Monday, July 15, 2002

1:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oh thank god... One less trial to follow. Johnny Three-Names has copped a plea. I'm well satisfied with a 20-year stretch for the little shit.   [++link]

1:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Notice to anyone who's ever given me a hard time about dismissing "Jerry Maguire" as a movie you'd have to pay me in enemies' blood to watch even once: Guess who's not cute anymore? Look for that shot on the E! True Hollywood story...  [++link]

10:49 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Persons wishing to make more effective assasination attempts on French leaders may wish to consult Frederick Forsyth.   [++link]

Friday, July 12, 2002

2:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

He's a moron's moron, as evidenced by his sad attempts at stirring controversy to aid his lost career. I hate to encourage his self-importance and paranoid delusions, but hey, if it keeps him out of the country...  [++link]

2:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"When you buy a plastic Gandalf with kung-fu grip and rocker launcher, you know fantasy has broken through." It's talk like that what wins you awards, buddy.  [++link]

Thursday, July 11, 2002

7:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Turns out that the impending Maryland Snakehead environmental disaster is the result of some boneheads deciding their fish were too big for the aquarium and dumping them in a creek. Fly, fly, little non-native hyper-predatory species! Be free!  [++link]

10:52 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

One last post and that's it for stuff about weed. Moratorium time; this isn't frickin' Smokedot. Anyway, blah blah blah weed underground economy worth billions per annum in UK alone, blah blah blah weed London Mayor stoked about new plan, blah blah commie probably also pothead, has beard.  [++link]

10:18 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Guess what the name of the Dutch national airline's budget carrier is. Just guess. Here's a hint, they just opened a new London/Amsterdam route.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

12:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Yes, they did in fact reclassify cannabis in the UK. Just kidding about the guns and mugging, you know; irony and all that. I'm actually only posting this so you can see how zooted they made Mr. Blunkett look in the illustration.  [++link]

12:09 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Tourists from the UK are most likely to be victims of street crime in Amsterdam, followed by Americans, the French, Germans and Italians. We need to fix this. As an American, it is your duty when abroad to (a) not be a moron about purchasing drugs from street dealers, who are ACTUALLY MUGGERS, you dumbfucks, and (b) at least consider carrying your wallet in your front pocket, as opposed to sticking out of your back pocket, enticingly perched on the upper slopes of your McDonalds-bloated ass. You Brits can get mugged all you want. You should consider carrying guns. Twats.  [++link]

11:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The snakehead has officially been classified as a member of a terrorist organization, the INS has been charged with incompetence for letting them into the country, and we're going to bomb the holy shit out of Maryland starting in winter 2003. No, no, just kidding. Watch out for the Jaws-style circus of soi-disant bounty-hunter yahoos, though.  [++link]

11:33 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It is so god damn wrong that the Nuge doesn't have his own cooking show.  [++link]

12:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Brits are apparently set to reclassify cannabis in such a way as to effectively decriminalize possession of "small amounts" of the devil's tarragon. Don't get excitable, it will never happen here.   [++link]

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

10:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Say it with me: "Ah foookin' 'ATE treffik wordinz..."  [++link]

Monday, July 08, 2002

6:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And in other news, I am part of a huge, lameass demographic raft of dorks who want new phones. Actually, just got the new phone today, so I'm in just under the wire as an "early adopter".  [++link]

1:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Do you possess abundant useless knowledge? Oh, do you? Do you know the British names of obscure vegetables? Well, prove it.  [++link]

12:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I finally upgrade to a phone that lets you program the ringtones, and ooooh, next big annoying thing comes out. Eventually they will come up with a phone that literally yelps "OOOOOHHHHH I'M A HUGE TWAT!!!"  [++link]

Thursday, July 04, 2002

2:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Someone whomped Baroness Thatcher's head clean off with a cricket bat. Really.   [++link]

12:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's just past noon and the heat index is just past 100 degrees here in the Nation's Capitol. Thunderstorms are expected. I will not be going to any barbecues. I will be celebrating our independence from the British empire and the new nation thus created with a lot of cold beverages and a crappy blockbuster summer movie. Refrigeration, AC, and shit blowing up. These are the thing that made our country great.

Happy Fourth, O ye Funsters. I hope no one reads this until Monday.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

11:33 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ha. Carrot Top joke, almost as I would have made it.   [++link]

10:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

They're calling her the new Kournikova. Nahhh. Her eyes aren't anywhere near close together enough.  [++link]

10:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Okay, okay, his talentless kids' soft, tubby, vapid faces are everywhere of late. And the joke is getting old in re-runs (so I hear; I keep laughing like a hyena having his nuts tickled). Quick rise, quick backlash. Set 'em up, knock 'em down. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi. Anyway, his wife is sick and it's Independence Day weekend, so go see Men in Black II like good little sheep and lay the fuck off the Ozz-Man.   [++link]

10:01 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, all these 80s Brit pop & comedy stars are coming out against the Euro. I get a terrible feeling they think they're going to influence the "youf" demographic with these edgy commercials, which is rather sad. I mean, I thought the Boomtown Rats and the Young Ones were the shit, but that was 1982, back when I was a youf. Kids today are going to see a bunch of guys old enough to be their dads dressing up as Hitler and burping on about Englishness and really, really...  [++link]

Tuesday, July 02, 2002

3:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

New! New adventures of Weebl & Bob! With poo throwing! How handy...  [++link]

3:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is not an Onion article, no matter what the headline would lead you to believe.  [++link]

2:54 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There's nothing like Florida politics. Although this may be the first opportunity for a smear campaign depicting a candidate as addicted to licking his balls.  [++link]

11:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

When I go to Amsterdam, what do I do? I go book shopping. Really. Yes I do.  [++link]

10:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My day can't get better: Heather Havrilesky on the PowerPuff Girls. Imagine now that I am singing Heather Havrilesky's name over and over to the tune of "Blitzkrieg Bop".   [++link]

Monday, July 01, 2002

11:47 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I haven't linked to Boy on a Stick and Slither for over a month, and that's weak. Someone remind me next time I'm doing site maintenance to give them a permalink.  [++link]

11:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's a crime to criticize the king in any way in Thailand, which is hardly fair considering how dorky all the official images of him are. I mean, you can see how this happened: No designer could resist. As part of our official apology, I think we should ask the Thai people to contribute parody images of our leaders.  [++link]

10:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, the guests at the opening for Britney's NYC restaurant included David Copperfield, ex-Mayor Rudy, Debbie Gibson, and Jenna Jameson. Jenna Jameson the porn star (don't click that at work). I'm hoping this has something to do with Brit's avowed goal of continuing to grow with her audience.  [++link]

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