Contact
EnormousFun {at} gmail [dot] com

Saturday, March 30, 2002

8:56 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, dammit. There goes the one member of the British royal family I actually had any respect for. Ave atque vale, madam. I am genuinely sorry to see you go.   [++link]

8:46 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

You know, most kids would be content to have one imaginary playmate. Then there are people who grow up and find their imaginations need company. Some end up sleeping on city grates and mumbling about Invisible Space Nazis. Some become Nobel Laureates. Some become novelists.

In Sweden, though, they go all out and create a whole new imaginary country. The bit that makes me burble with disbelief is that over 3000 Pakistanis have inquired about asylum/residency. One might as well apply for a Green Card in Lothlorian, or try to get a passport with your title in Dogbert's New Ruling Class.

Three thousand. Man, does Pakistan suck that much?

  [++link]

3:36 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

From the Ministry of Ostriches, some escapist news:
What do our nation's police have to contend with? Grand Theft Krispy.
"They abandoned the truck when they were spotted by police responding to reports of a dangerous driver who was losing his doughnuts."

Giggling deliriously. And suddenly hungry.  [++link]

Friday, March 29, 2002

11:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"They want me under arrest or in exile or dead, but I am telling them, I prefer to be martyred. May God make us martyrs." Yasser Arafat may be getting his wish as you read this. We may have another whole new world to deal with by the end of the day.   [++link]

11:16 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

If there is a guy in the world who wouldn't like to kick Hugh Grant's narrow, pasty ass, it ain't me. If you're on the fence, read this. The small town of Kicking Hugh Grant's Ass welcomes you.  [++link]

Thursday, March 28, 2002

9:19 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There, that's three. Now stop fucking dying.   [++link]

11:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

If you've run out of ways to goof on your cat's head, we got a new product for you.   [++link]

11:36 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is a little like back in the day when people were running around Manahattan prying up everything Jean-Michel Basquiat ever scrawled a non sequitur on in hopes of cashing in big. Actually, it's way dumber than that.  [++link]

11:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Marion Barry: Whatever his failings, the man has balls.   [++link]

11:14 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is probably a bad idea, but if you are starting to think your life is full of people who don't know you and don't give a fuck about you, there's nothing like a Web-based utility to begin the process of weeding out.  [++link]

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

11:43 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Every now and then, I really really miss "Bloom County". Then I check these guys out and I feel a lot better. Wildlife humor, a self-deprecating philosopher character, and an appreciation for artificial preservatives for that Zippy the Pinhead twist. Mundane but loveable.

I am such a geek.  [++link]

10:58 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

We're shocked, shocked, quite. Turn in your tweeds, gentlemen, and don't let the doors hit your arses on the way out.   [++link]

10:53 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Don't spend it all in one place, darlin'...  [++link]

10:52 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Looks like they're gonna get an early start on next year's "In Memoriam" reel for the Oscars. Dropping like flies they are...   [++link]

2:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Dudley Moore is dead. He was a funny little man. Ave Atque.  [++link]

8:52 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Spring is in the air in the panda enclosure, and poor Mei-Xiang is up in her tree.  [++link]

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

9:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Note to self. Do not get married on March 23. Not an auspicious date.  [++link]

11:53 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I don't have any tattoos, because I don't trust my design sense and I loathe my body. I have a load of friends who have them, and good on them, because I know they're going to be surrounded by grandkids someday and they'll make up great stories explaining why Oma and Opa have pictures on their arms. This dude's grandkids are in for treats galore.  [++link]

11:17 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You'd think Germany was the safest place in the world to be the sort of guy who owns not one but four RealDolls. It probably is, if you have the wit to be discreet.  [++link]

11:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Boy, you throw piss all over a girl one time and she gets all huffy and shit...  [++link]

Monday, March 25, 2002

10:44 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And elsewhere in Auntie Mugs' Cheap Shots file -- hell, I think the woman deserves a medal just for having to do nekkid scenes with Billy Bob Thornton.   [++link]

10:34 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I'm begging, begging them to be making this up. Insult added to injury, anyone?

I suppose it could be worse. It's not as though they're showcasing victims of actual (as opposed to financial) rape. But they do have a talent for finding people who have been humilated or made miserable beyond their wildest dreams already, then showing that there is just one more layer to scrape off that barrel bottom. Next month: Linda Tripp? Camilla? War widows?

Okay, I could have made this post funny. But really, it just grossed me out too badly. Try me again later.   [++link]

9:50 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Tell Lewis not to get any of that irresistably delicious Memphis Bar-B-Que sauce on his ears.   [++link]

9:58 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The psychotically bullying sci-fi preacher cons at the Church of Scientology, not content with sending their tiny gay emissary to hassle the Germans*, have lawyered up on Google for allowing people to search for anti-Scientology info on the Web. Actually, they're pissed that hilarious excerpts from their ill-conceived goofbucket scriptures are being posted for critique.

*It feels strange to say this, but I'm flabbergasted at the lack of cultural sensitivity the CoS is showing towards the Germans. Recall that Germany got taken over once by a flatulent little weirdo with a head full of infantile hero mythology and fairy tales. If anyone has a right to be twitchy about dodgy cults...  [++link]

9:21 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Yes! Coffee is good for you again this week! Or, rather, it won't notably contribute to your inevitable decline. And hot-diggety-damn, that's good enough for me.   [++link]

Sunday, March 24, 2002

10:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Cliché Watch: Berkeley residents are useless, neurasthenic lotus-eaters; Marion Barry is an arrogant drug-fueled satyr; Under-25s are tech-driven mutant freaks.  [++link]

10:13 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Pope is sick of life and wishes we'd just let him die and get some peace. Or maybe he was making some other point; you tell me.  [++link]

Friday, March 22, 2002

10:15 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Next year, I don't care what they say, March 9, I'm taking the day off. Sounds like as good an excuse as anything else I've used before.   [++link]

3:29 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Stephen Fry's London: "The best bottom in London, in case you're interested, is on a naked statue of Achilles, at Wellington Place on Hyde Park Corner."  [++link]

2:00 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Swiss basically suck. We all knew this, but it's always good to have research to back you up.  [++link]

11:40 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

(To the tune of "Gary Indiana")

Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky,
Let me say that once again,

Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky,
she's the rabbit who knew me when

If you'd like a cold and rational explanation
How I happened on this snarky syncopation
I will say without a flinch of hesitation
There is just one hipster who can date my sister:

Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky, not Andrew Sullivan,
Lileks, Moby, or Herzog,
But Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky, Heather Havrilesky,
and her kick-ass blog!  [++link]

10:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Here's a link to Ted Rall's latest toon. If you know Ted, please get some friends together and do a great big 80s style intervention. Events have pushed him over the edge. You knew this would happen someday.   [++link]

Thursday, March 21, 2002

2:55 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Re: Livejournal Emulator below: everybody should be so lucky, to be named after two really cool people. Welcome to the world, wee Ethan.  [++link]

12:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

In other news, the EU has announced that London dealers selling weed in non-metric measures will be subject to fines and possible imprisonment. No, no, just kidding.  [++link]

12:14 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

LiveJournal Emulator: Went to visit some friends who just had their second kid. I mean just had, as in I got to meet wee Ethan when he was less than 24 hours old.

7 pounds. That's a human being the size of a six-week-old lab puppy. It's mind-boggling enough to me that their two-year-old knows who I am and is happy to see me. I can carry him around like a bag of groceries.

I'll probably wind up having to mind Ethan at some point, and if he gives me a hard time about anything, I can fix him with a stern look and say, "Don't you sass me, young man. I was there the first time you ever pooped."  [++link]

12:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This exhib is clearly worth flying to London for. It's sure as a motherfucker never going to open in the US.   [++link]

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

11:00 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Celebrity gossip posts are too easy. And cheap. But oh, I can't resist...

Methinks that Pammy would be justified in taking a cue from this woman.   [++link]

11:54 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

See, this is why I hate business speak. And what's sad is that it doesn't even get all the important points across.   [++link]

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

11:41 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And no, Your Foreign Affairs Desk Chief was not on sabbatical in Outer Carjackistan. Auntie Mugs is alive and well and as cranky as ever about the state of the world. The muscle relaxants are wearing off just in time for me to have given up drinking for Lent. Shit.

But at least I'm not one of these sorry bastards. I mean Jesus, when George W. Bush thinks you're a hopeless dumbass, you know it's time to pack it in.   [++link]

11:31 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Should I worry about this kind of thing, or is that totally September 10th?   [++link]

11:23 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

What the bio page doesn't tell you is that he really is a warm cuddly kind of guy who can't relax unless he watches "The Lion King" once a day. (I swear I am not making that up.) Yep, can't you just see this guy being all sweet and modern daddy curled up with his little daughter, whose name translates as "The Black Flag of Islam"?   [++link]

9:38 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Dude, where's my Fourth Amendment?
The good news is that during the arguments today, the point was made that the policy didn't exactly cover the really "at-risk" population (i.e. the sort of kids who don't take part in after-school Scooby Gangs). Thank God somebody out there is awake.  [++link]

11:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Scientists have defined the biochemical process by which an erection is maintained, thus throwing legions of fluffers out of work.   [++link]

11:25 AM ++ posted by Maggie ++

There are no words..... Well, maybe Will has a few?  [++link]

11:18 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Al Gore has gotten rid of that stupid Will Riker beard he grew after he shit the election. Much is being made of this, but I suspect the issue is that beards are itchy as fuck in warm weather. Especially in Tennessee, a place he will not leave anytime soon.  [++link]

11:00 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I bet the majority of guys who wander into the Madam's Organ pub in Adams Morgan have no idea that beers are half-price to redheads. Gracious god, why not just hand out hatchets and crowbars at the door...  [++link]

Monday, March 18, 2002

10:00 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My prediction for next big Mountain Dew demographic thrill-seeker fad: X-treme Pooping. Warned: Don't hit that link if you ever intend to enjoy eating again.  [++link]

3:59 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Dude, where's my Mac?  [++link]

11:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

We got our headline of the year right here. Not to mention the first stage of the future of gaming.  [++link]

Sunday, March 17, 2002

1:46 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Dude sure looks baked.  [++link]

1:42 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

More excellent reasons to stay home on St. Pats: Guinness-sponsored Alien Succubi with hypno-irises.  [++link]

Friday, March 15, 2002

2:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And by the way, fuck St. Patrick's Day. Here's a list of places in the DC metro zone to avoid at all costs unless you live for plastered omigawd girls in green face paint spilling Coors Light on you while their boyfriends pretend to like Guinness.  [++link]

12:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

In the US, it's civil libertarians and hippies and such who argue for the legalization of personal use of cannabis. In the UK, it's the police.   [++link]

12:01 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Look, I have been paying attention to what's been going on the last six months, and I thought I was tracking pretty well, considering my lack of policy background and aides. Someone want to tell me exactly why the fuck we are talking shit about nuking Iraq?  [++link]

Thursday, March 14, 2002

11:59 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

We got some caustic webcomic action from Owen Dunne here. Someone send this on Andy Sullivan, bet he'd dig it.  [++link]

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

10:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Apparently we can dare to dream. Please tell me someone out there reads Swedish.  [++link]

5:55 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Wooster would have lost it way sooner.  [++link]

4:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Britney Spears soaked in urine. Film at 11 (we can only dare to dream).  [++link]

11:22 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Iris recognition seems to be a big meme of late.   [++link]

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

10:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Gee thanks. No, it helps, really. Couldn't be more clear. We ask for more information, and you give us some kindergarten graphics and some new jargon which means absolutely dick zero nada. I know you can't say, for example, "Move somewhere non-strategic or take your fucking chances, Mr. Fussy." Not in so many words.  [++link]

10:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Mike Tyson gets his chance to fight in DC, thanks to a pushover commission and the ardent support of a diverse coalition of race-baiters and morons.   [++link]

8:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A gunman took hostages in the Rembrandt Tower office complex in Amsterdam as a protest against the quality of his widescreen TV. Hostages are fine, he shot himself in the head twice.   [++link]

3:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

How do you make absolutely clear to future generations that they need to stay away from a particular place until, say 12,000 AD? I'm glad someone is doing work on this.  [++link]

9:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I don't use Linux because I'm not a coder and I can't be arsed with all this real-ale indie-rock open-source horseshit. This isn't to say I don't admire the efforts of the open-source community. I especially like their sense of whimsy when dealing with serious subjects.  [++link]

1:24 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Rockville, Maryland authorities were set to dumpster and incinerate a $1 million collection of Russian books and periodicals over a rent dispute before a last second deal saved at least some of them for the Library of Congress. Future generations will curse us with black tongues for all the books we destroy because we couldn't think of where to put them.

(Bonus Feature: Note the picture of Rep. Connie Morella. She was my English teacher at Montgomery JuCo, and quit halfway through the semester when Mike Barnes announced he was vacating his seat. She embarassed the shit out of me by reading all my papers as examples for the class. The last assignment she gave us was to define an inexact term, and I chose "asshole". She gave me an A, and as she handed it back she whispered, "You knew I wouldn't read that...")  [++link]

Monday, March 11, 2002

12:31 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Last year a basenji won best in show at Crufts (and he was cuter than Sarah Hughes eating ice cream). This year it was a friggin' poodle.

Between the dog shows and the figure skating, I don't know why anyone believes I have a girlfriend.   [++link]

11:32 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ted Rall has clearly figured out how to turn death threats into a cheap substitute for gasoline or something. I'd think he was incredibly brave if I had any idea what his point was meant to be.  [++link]

12:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Soros makes the UK an offer they cannot refuse.  [++link]

Friday, March 08, 2002

5:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, they've fucked up Sesame Street with more Elmo and other such mind-scrambling wussiness. Loathsome. But the universe is not as cruel as all that: The Muppet Show Mark III is coming.   [++link]

4:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The universe is actually the color of buttermilk. I can accept this. I was unwilling to give headspace to the ideal that our universe was set up in a Miami Vice color scheme.   [++link]

Thursday, March 07, 2002

10:00 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Schiphol (pr. "skipple") airport in the Netherlands has jumped the fuck up on the technology curve and set up iris scanners to identify passengers at check-in. You pay a 99 euro membership fee for the privilege, of course. But you get special parking privileges, and when the machines rise up against us they'll probably allow you to live as their brainwashed thrall.  [++link]

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

4:08 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I wasn't that worried about national ID cards, because it's obviously a stupid idea. However, we appear to have an attorney general with certain difficulties recognizing really stupid ideas, especially his own. No good can come of this.  [++link]

6:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oooooh, bet no one saw this coming. And by no one I mean Gary Condit. Welcome to OJ limbo, you rictus-face android.   [++link]

Tuesday, March 05, 2002

11:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Weed is bad for you this week. Also bagpipes. Combining the two is an especially bad idea, though it had never occurred to me until now.  [++link]

11:31 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The cherry blossoms are set to peak between April 1 and 5, and apparently will be lovely this year. This marks the official start of tourist season in DC, so try to hit the museums and the zoo at least once this month.  [++link]

2:59 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Mmmm, hunky chef (to further your pleasure). Time to take a trip to lovely coastal Maine!  [++link]

2:52 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

I have nothing witty to say about this. I only wish the design were a bit more snazzy, for your pleasure.  [++link]

1:47 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Welcome to one of the lamest pieces of crap on the Internet. "Jeremy's Prophecy dot-com" has joined Ishmael and The Celestine Prophecy in the increasing ranks of poorly-written novels whose authors are determined (if ill-equipped) to "change the world," by gum. "Jeremy's" gimmick is that it is presented online, Blair-Witch-style, as if it were a true story, with a virtual reliquary full of swag for true-believers. Looky here: NEW!! "Lost" sketches by Jeremy recently unearthed in his cousin's condo!!! and vague, pre-adolescently urgent "diary" entries posted by one of Jeremy's "friends" (I can't help feeling that Jeremy has the answers. But will anyone listen?!?) -- Gag me. It's so trite. The premise of the story is that this guy, Jeremy, is diagnosed with a raging case of the schizo's and gets locked up in a mental hospital in Portland, Oregon. There he begins spouting homilies with all the depth and originality of a "Touched by an Angel" daily-inspirations calendar.
Of course, in posting this, I am just begging to get my long-suffering Kindly Uncle William flamed by some troll who is a devotee of the cult of Jeremy. I hear he spoke in class today. Sorry in advance, Will, but sometimes the wrath of the clot-polled masses is the best publicity in the world. You'll thank me eventually.
  [++link]

Monday, March 04, 2002

10:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Children who snore apparently face nearly double the risk of ADHD. I have to ask mom if I did any serious snoring as a child. I'm informed that I snore like a motorbike made of exploding snot these days, but that's mostly because I'm a big fat fuck.   [++link]

7:51 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Dave Eggers used to be a cartoonist. Hey, I didn't know. I counted myself hipper than usual for reading MIGHT. And I really tried with his big unironic book, but I don't know how I can stop wanting to kill him for long enough to finish more than a few pages. Anyway, some of his cartoons are pretty nifty.  [++link]

6:42 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Sorry about the No Update Monday. I suck. Here, read Boy on a Stick and Slither and think about what a rat bastard I am.   [++link]

Sunday, March 03, 2002

2:57 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

After 50 years on the sidelines, the defiantly neutral Swiss have voted to join the United Nations. Check the charter, there's probably some way we can keep them out.  [++link]

Friday, March 01, 2002

1:38 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Blog of the Day!

i went to some sort of religious school when i was very young, only for the idea that god people taught better than regular people. i do not know if it is true or not because i only went to first grade once, i was not going to repeat it just to compare with secular school!! MMM IN A BLIND TASTE TEST PUBLIC SCHOOL DELIVERS 29% MORE MOCKING THAN PRIVATE SCHOOL!"

1:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I suppose there's no reassuring way to present this, but I think this headline is a bit excessive.  [++link]

12:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Duke of Edinburgh has gotten a late start this year, but made up for it by asking a group of Australian Aborigines, "Do you still throw spears at each other?" The palace is of course spinning this to seem less appalling, but I think Phil's record speaks for itself.
  [++link]

11:46 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Apropos of nothing I can divine, several of my fave webcomics have declared it Führer Friday! The day we mock the memory of Hitler in the fine tradition of Bugs Bunny and Mighty Mouse.   [++link]

^top^

all text and images © are dead

2004 archive
january+
february+
march+
april+
may+
june+
july+
august+
september+
october+
november+
december+
2003 archive
january+
february+
march+
april+
may+
june+
july+
august+
september+
october+
november+
december+
2002 archive
january+
february+
march+
april+
may+
june+
july+
august+
september+
october+
november+
december+ 2001 archive
september+
october+
november+
december+