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Tuesday, December 31, 2002

9:58 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The first step to becoming an insufferable single-malt twink is learning to pronounce the names. God bless the internet.   [++link]

9:22 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

In the spirit of posting tons of shit from BBC online that no one else cares about in the slightest, comedian Sascha Baron-Cohen had a stray bullet though his hotel room in Israel.   [++link]

Monday, December 30, 2002

1:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Celebrity television chefs Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson have come under fire for neglecting basic kitchen hygiene standards. I understand their concern about Jamie's grotesquely oversized tongue waving about, but I think they miss the point of Nigella's show, which is basically splosh porn.  [++link]

12:55 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is way better than Thatcher's statue getting the head clocked off.  [++link]

12:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Police in Ukraine have impounded a number of radioactive Christmas trees, said to have been cut down in an area contaminated by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986.
  [++link]

12:43 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I don't give a fuck about sports as a rule, but I am from DC and that means I feel good when the Redskins win or the Cowboys lose. This was a good day.  [++link]

Friday, December 27, 2002

3:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Iberian Lynx is counting on you not to toast the new year with shitty plastic-stopper "champagne". Spend the god-damned $13 and at least get a bottle of Korbel; your aching head, your churning guts, and the Iberian Lynx will thank you.  [++link]

3:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Joss has three of the top ten greatest science fiction characters of all time, according to UK geek bible SFX. All geeks bow down to the gilded genius of Joss.   [++link]

2:31 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The doll-eyed followers of alien fuck-farmer Rael claim to have cloned a baby, named according to the immutable conventions of hack sci-fi.  [++link]

2:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The latest weapon in the arsenal of the enemy is the Vampire Mickey Antipersonnel Assault Doll (Delta Model shown).  [++link]

Thursday, December 26, 2002

3:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Katie Hnida became the first woman to play in an NCAA Division I football game when she attempted an extra point Wednesday following a New Mexico touchdown in the game. (The kick was blocked.) She's blonde, too, and has a nice profile. My prediction is that the most immediate result of this landmark event for women's athletics will be a six-figure offer from Playboy to do a gauzy topless pictorial, on the condition that she agrees to lose 20 pounds.  [++link]

3:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's not just our bluestockings and hicks who are up in arms about Harry Potter destroying the minds of youth. The Russians are apparently scandalized as well. It really makes me feel like a part of the brotherhood of man, knowing that other nations have shrill parent's groups who think their kids are imbeciles.  [++link]

12:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

See, I grew up in Potomac, Maryland, which messed up my sense of class and status very badly. We had the distinction of having a '67 Dodge Dart in the driveway, which I suspect made all our neighbors dream of hiring someone to burn our house down with us in it. This has influenced my opinions on people who want to build houses the size of municipal airports for themselves and their ratlike dogs; I know everyone detests them, but I am simply beyond reason. So I am very much in sympathy with Mr. Koppel, if only because I feel he is fucking with people who deserve no better.   [++link]

11:57 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There are advantages to seasonal depression, if you look hard enough. It forces you to focus on what's really important in your life, since you don't have the slightest extra energy to put towards extraneous bullshit like taking your dry cleaning in or catching up on Trading Spaces. And there's other stuff too, apparently.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

12:04 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

New Jersey is officially safe for Christmas.  [++link]

Monday, December 23, 2002

1:59 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Merry Xmas from Me, Liz, Henry, FDR, and Fala.  [++link]

12:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"There are people in Washington who have been trying to nail me for a long time," Lott said. "When you're from Mississippi and you're a conservative and you're a Christian, there are a lot of people that don't like that. I fell into their trap and so I have only myself to blame." (Parse that out and you'll note that he is in fact blaming his shadowy, peckerwood-hating enemies. This will be the last Trent-related post until he does something interesting like resign or auto-erotically asphyxiate himself with a bicycle inner tube.)  [++link]

12:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Clash Supremo Joe Strummer is dead of an apparent heart attack. Listen to Clash City Rockers real fuckin' loud and say Ave Atque Vale.  [++link]

Friday, December 20, 2002

2:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Best LOTR:2T cartoon of the week. Go Movie Punks Go.  [++link]

12:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's part of the Best Man's job to get you hammered and try to get you to call off the wedding at the last minute. It's a symbolic act, of course, like much of the oinking tribal rites involved in bachelor parties. You aren't supposed to actually listen to him. Dude.  [++link]

12:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Thank you, Mr. Lott, for the early Christmas present. Now go take some family time and see about not coming back at all.  [++link]

Thursday, December 19, 2002

1:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not ready to start getting het up and yelling about concentrations camps just yet, but you must admit this is lousy PR. And, as has been pointed out, terrorists most likely wouldn't come to the INS to register.  [++link]

12:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I think this speaks to the hair-trigger resting state of the X-treme Fidgeting^TM demographic rather than to the great and terrible visage of the black-bearded Celt.  [++link]

9:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Pee Wee had his career ruined for beating off in an adult theater, which is the proverbial speeding ticket at the Indy 500. Hugh Grant gets a hummer from a hooker in broad daylight, and he's got a movie opening as a dithery romantic lead. The difference is, of course, WHAT ABOUT THE CHEEEEEEEELDRIN??!?!?! And Pee Wee's creepier than Hugh by certain standards.

Pee Wee's about to get hung out to dry again for collecting art, none of which I am guessing is more risque than the Rev. Charles Dodgson's old silver prints of his friends' kids. But still, he's a known pervert and WHAT ABOUT THE CHEEEEEEEELDRIN??!?!?! and you know we would be remiss as Americans and Decent Folk if we didn't allow him to be hounded to his grave. You god-damned ingrateful bastards don't deserve Pee-Wee and you never did.  [++link]

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

4:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And just why are they releasing these (awful, awful) designs on the same day The Two Towers opens?   [++link]

12:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Jackass and the Darwin Awards are looking sweet for a merger.  [++link]

12:31 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Two Towers opened in DC last night at Midnight. There were several women there, and a decent percentage were too old to describe Justin Timberlake as "dreamy", at least in their out-loud voices. So there.   [++link]

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

4:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"Kids love to take the mad scramble over polyps and other terrors of the colon." [tip o' the screaming skull to Greg & Dee.]  [++link]

2:42 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, I have to know what is in my Amazon.com profile that tells them to put this in my Gold Box. And isn't the term "Gold Box" just a little...you know?  [++link]

12:57 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Republicans and the Military Industrial Complex are putting up their Maginot Line, essentially as a fuck-you to everyone in the 80s who said they couldn't because it wasn't going to work and it was stupid. It's still stupid and it still won't work, but it symbolizes a strong defense for America, if you're a complete fucking idiot.   [++link]

12:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm kind of sorry I missed this. At the time, I was watching the Anna Nicole Xmas special, which might have been a slightly less horrifying spectacle (and far less stagey).   [++link]

12:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Somebody want to explain this shit to me? Why on earth is this woman still in the public eye?  [++link]

Monday, December 16, 2002

2:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Abyss Gazes Back, part 1.  [++link]

2:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Survey says: Smoking, drinking and drug use are all dropping among U.S. teens. In other news, lying like weasels is making a huge comeback.  [++link]

11:43 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Say it! The Google is Civilization!  [++link]

11:40 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Pretty much no one read the sequel to Forrest Gump, which is a shame because it was pretty funny. Forrest winds up in the Gulf War, and he captures Saddam. But when he shows up at base with Mustache Man in tow, his superiors order him to go back to Baghdad and let him go. I'm not making this up. Anyway, Method Actor Sean Penn must have optioned the book. I think he feels cheated for not getting smothered with awards and such for his last tardsploitation flick.  [++link]

Thursday, December 12, 2002

6:05 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Please, please, please be kidding. I say this as someone who has been a Mel fan for so long it's embarrassing. Yes, I owned "The Road Warrior" on Betamax, that's how old I am. We love you, Mel, truly. But this is wrong, so wrong. Just walk away.   [++link]

5:49 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And what didn't cheer me up this afternoon? Getting e-mail from an advertiser who says their website is "so cool - it's frozen!" Note to self: never buy anything from those guys ever again. It only encourages them.  [++link]

5:35 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

For the first time in weeks, I am not all pumped up about my super-cool "Angel" DVDs. You see, since I don't live in the States, I have a multi-system player and can watch things not yet available back home.

But the thing is, I watched the "Hero" and "Parting Gifts" episodes for the first time ever the day I read this. The Tao has such a whimsical sense of timing. Ave atque and all that, goddammit.   [++link]

2:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

More news slash lurid details regarding Armin M. and his Schpedoinkle day. I'm just posting it, folks, you don't have to read it.  [++link]

11:26 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

White wine is good for you this week, but only if it is fortified like a frickin' breakfast cereal.  [++link]

11:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Dude. What the fuck is wrong with German people? (What this reminds me of, really, is the line from My Dinner with André about people having themselves castrated just to feel something...)  [++link]

8:55 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Addendum: Mr. Lott has apologized again, and this time he's really sorry. At a guess, I'd say that this shit will stick to him (deservedly) for the rest of his natural life no matter what. Hope he wasn't planning on trying to beat Strom's record...  [++link]

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

8:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Now read carefully and see if you can spot the real conspiracy. Trent Lott is a race-baiting peckerwood, yes, but note that (like our President!) he was a college cheerleader.  [++link]

8:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Eddie Izzard has a new movie coming out, seemingly based on his gag about the First Transvestite Paratroop Brigade (were you surprised? I was really surprised...). It's got the Matt LeBlanc in it, which I'm afraid guarantees it's going to be crap. Fuck. You know, presuming that they have invested their cash in something other than Enron or Dogshit-Flavor Toothpaste, none of the cast members from that crappy, grating show ever have to get out of bed again. There is no excuse for them to be roaming around poisoning movies that might otherwise stand a chance of not sucking. Cool your fevered egos, Cast of Friends! Walk away! I'm only trying to save you from becoming a botox'd version of the Carol Burnette Show in 2010!  [++link]

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

8:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Baroness Thatcher has praised Brit PM Tony Blair for backing the United States in its war against terror. Man, that's so cold... He might as well switch parties right now.  [++link]

8:55 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Why do trendy pinheads still trail after Madonna like ducklings? She's pushing fifty and looks like Phyllis Diller in a coma. Stop encouraging her for just one year and I swear, she'll go away.  [++link]

12:19 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Apparently the observable vampire population in Sunnydale fits with accepted ecological models of sustainable predation. I keep telling you fucks that Joss is a genius. [Warning: contains formulae and equations.]  [++link]

12:18 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I watch the Osbournes and Anna Nicole's show the same way: on the TiVo, pausing constantly to gather the necesary strength to continue. With Ozzy, it's usually a ten-second pause every 45 seconds. With Anna, it's a 45-second pause every ten seconds. I laugh like hell at the Osbournes; I think I only watch Anna because she makes Ozzy look so dignified and squared away.  [++link]

Monday, December 09, 2002

11:28 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm against this, because I spend enough of my life with weird conflations of different songs stuck in my head (spent 24 hours in the Frankfurt airport once with a Dawn of the Dead hangover and an endless loop of Surfer Girl mixed with the Jeopardy theme stuck in my head). But it will also annoy all the right people.  [++link]

11:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And by the way, the whole bigfoot thing was a practical joke. This may be news to you if you've been, say, institutionalized since the 60s or have a condition along the lines of color-blindness that makes you unable to visually apprehend rented gorilla suits.  [++link]

9:19 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Two early Van Goghs have been kidnapped from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, in what sounds like a very dull version of the Thomas Crown Affair.   [++link]

9:05 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Saw the Harry Potter movie (the new one). It was fun, in a slightly underwhelming way. I may be feeling diffident because I want the new book to come out. This makes me feel like even more of an arrested development case than usual.  [++link]

Friday, December 06, 2002

1:38 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Refusing to drink wine with plastic corks isn't just hidebound snobbery, it's vital to the survival of the Iberian Lynx.  [++link]

1:34 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The thing about these sort of stories is they never give you the details you need to really feel a human connection. C'mon, you lazy bastards, what kind of beer was it?  [++link]

1:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

For those of you who walk around (as I often do) convinced the the political left has completely lost its shit, here's Katha Pollit in the Nation, blaming the Miss World Massacre not on the bikini girls but on homicidal fundies.   [++link]

Thursday, December 05, 2002

1:54 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Everyone needs a hobby.   [++link]

9:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Christmas has come early for the children of the Wussington DC metropolitan area, in the form of a real live snowstorm and the first snow day in what must be years. Every damn school system in the region is closed. (The feds are open, self-important bastards, so I have to go to work.)  [++link]

12:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm linking to this not just because it's a thought-provoking article on autism, but because I have an odd intuition that Cambridge cognitive researcher Simon Baron-Cohen is kin to Cambridge grad Sascha Baron-Cohen, better known as Ali G. Whom I am aware of because of my Asperger-like fascination with UK pop culture.   [++link]

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

8:35 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I think we're about to see the shortest US book tour ever. This dude will not be reading at Politics & Prose.  [++link]

8:28 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There are ten IKEA stores in Holland, a country a little bigger than Ohio. I challenge you to find a house or apartment in Holland that doesn't contain at least one IKEA product. This has a lot to do with Dutch buildings being tall and narrow and Dutch staircases being like cliff faces: furniture you can bring in flat and build in the room like a ship in a bottle is a lifesaver. So the Dutch love IKEA, as should we all. The purpose of terror is to strike where it will be felt most.  [++link]

5:04 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Can I move to England? Please? Or at least get the BBC World Service?   [++link]

12:38 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And when they came for the telemarketing scumbags, I did not speak out, because I hate fucking telemarketers.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

4:58 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Here's a little study guide for y'all.  [++link]

2:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The UK has its own Roswell. Who knew?  [++link]

2:08 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There are web-based resources for everything, including bitching about how this damn cold weather is making your chillblains act up sumthin' fierce.  [++link]

10:28 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Britney Spears is 21, news which will ruin the fantasies of lonely weirdos the world over. Happy Birthday, you adorable injection-molded cupcake.  [++link]

Monday, December 02, 2002

10:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Here comes a special Achewood cartoon for Dee & Greg & Jay. WHOO! I am definitely psychologically prepared to watch CABIN BOY right now!  [++link]

1:30 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oasis singer Liam Gallagher got into a punch-up with some Italians in Germany, and apparently had some teeth busted along with other unspecified "facial injuries". Fans the world over wait and worry over the fate of Liam's land-before-time monobrow.  [++link]

11:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Shut up and watch The West Wing. Nothing to see here. It's just Kissinger, back in the White House. The 60s are over, pal, and liberalism is basically a dress-up hobby now, like Civil War re-enactment.  [++link]

Sunday, December 01, 2002

5:31 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Speaking as one who has hissy fits when the Santas appear at the same time as the jack o'lanterns at CVS, I suppose this December deadline seems almost reasonable. But centrally-mandated fun in Moscow historically tends to be a bad idea.

  [++link]

5:16 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

"...by 1978 other coffee shops were opening in a city which was a mecca for anarchists, hippies, squatters and drop-outs." (and lots of really hungry mice.)   [++link]

5:12 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Do not try to teach a mouse to smoke. It wastes your time and turns the mouse into a Phish-head.   [++link]

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