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4:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
You advertise on the net for a guy who wants to be killed and eaten for sexual purposes. You get a taker. You videotape yourself killing and eating him. You get caught, the tape is taken into evidence, and you are found fit to stand trial. You are found guilty of premeditated murder under particularly heinous circumstances and you get a few years on death row to think about the needle going in.
Or you're in Germany and you get 8.5 years for manslaughter. So civilized, our Euro cousins...
[++link]
6:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
New hypersmack version of the Penguin Game. Because you don't need to get any work done today. [++link]
3:06 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Having a shit day? Well, you aren't this guy and that isn't your scooter. [++link]
1:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Local political twinks may commence rejoicing: That girl is making fun of you. You know mom always said that means she really likes you. [++link]
12:35 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
7:31 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
3:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Another glorious victory for species self-hatred, luddism, and the youthful energies of middle-class shits turned to terrorism. Do us a favor: If you really want to protest the use of animals in medical testing, how about you refuse all treatment if you get sick or injured? That'll really make a statement. What, aren't you committed? [++link]
12:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Neti nose-cleansing: this will show up on CSI inside of two months as a twist solution to a bizarre dry-land drowning, I guarantee it. [++link]
12:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
The rathergood freaks got a commission, and it would seem that they... Um...
Oh god, just look.
[++link]
3:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Reminder: Achewood speaks to your daily life far more so than newspaper comics. Read more Achewood. [++link]
2:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Smurfs on Meth. At the CVS. Smurfs on meth. Death Death Death. [++link]
12:46 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
No, he isn't performing an excorcism on one of Michael Jackson's old rubba-rubba friends. [++link]
11:02 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
12:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Howard Dean's post-Iowa meltdown continues apace. Expect calls to return US currency to the Silver Standard, followed by introduction of a costumed campaign mascot. [++link]
12:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The French, emboldened by the passing of legislation banning yarmulkes, headscarves, and tacky crosses in their schools, are going after beards and bandannas. I'm sure the next step is a state-sanctioned, fully-secularized and French-identified school uniform. I have a suggestion. [++link]
11:57 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The Vatican has backpedaled on an earlier statement in which the Pope appeared to give his seal of approval to Mel Gibson's Aramaic version of Battlefield Earth. I had my doubts from the beginning as to whether a man his age could possibly stay conscious through a full-length movie. [++link]
6:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Following up on Spalding Gray's disappearance: His friend John Perry Barlow has apparently given up hope, and with no small reason. (There's more than one post on the subject; I warn you, don't read the comments.) [++link]
12:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I think it's editorial policy at the BBC to defend people who say imbecilic things and get in trouble by trotting out the great unpunished. No, not our president. He doesn't have a touch on the Duke of Edinburgh. [++link]
12:20 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Mixed-breed dogs are growing in popularity. This isn't really news, at least not if you hang around dog parks. The bit I found interesting was that Queen Elizabeth seems to have picked up on the concept of hybrid vigor... [++link]
3:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The World Economic Forum meeting has banned neckties. The idea is to gather up a mob of the most powerful men on earth, isolate them at SPECTRE headquarters in the alps, and then get them in touch with their "normal side" by making them wear turtlenecks. If this doesn't work, next year's theme is "clothing optional". [++link]
12:20 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
When she isn't drawing imaginary Yes album covers, Lois Gibson draws murderers, rapos, and kids left in dumpsters. She's helped put nearly 1000 criminals in jail. I'm predicting a TV series based loosely inside the next two years. [++link]
12:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I've never met anyone from Lousiana who wasn't fucked up, so teaching their kids about saving the swamps by torturing a wad of play-doh isn't likely to do any perceptible harm. [++link]
1:00 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I have a t-shirt that I wear in public that says "I guess I was punk once." It was kind of funny in my earlier 30s. I think today is the day that I make a rule about only wearing it to sleep in or mow the lawn. Not that I'm disappointed per se to see Johnny Rotten joining the cast of the UK version of The Surreal Life. It just serves to remind me that I'm about as punk rock as a bag of groceries these days and maybe there's a reason. [++link]
10:52 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Winston Churchill's salty-tongued parrot, Charlie, is still alive at 104. No, really. [ed note – updated 1:02pm with much better link] [++link]
1:59 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I have fallen into the trap of watching way the hell too much Law & Order. Not only do I not have to reach for a definition of Munchausen by Proxy, I can pretty much close my eyes and see this episode all the way through in all three iterations (L&O, L&O:CI and/or L&O:SVU). I can even pick the wisecracks and the crappy ending quips. I carry the whole L&O cosmology in my sore little head... [++link]
10:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Debate if you will the implications of a drinking game based on watching a teetotaller (or recovering alcoholic, I don't remember the official version). Playing this one will probably prevent me from drinking as much as I would like tomorrow night. [++link]
8:18 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Much thanks and praise to the Fanboy from Hell who performed this extraordinary public service (i.e., just saved me about 20 bucks on a soundtrack CD that didn't have everything I wanted). All hail the amazon.com reviewers! [++link]
1:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
And that dismal cry rose slowly
And sank slowly through the air,
Full of spirit’s melancholy
And eternity’s despair;
And they heard the words it said,—
"Superfly is dead! great Superfly is dead!
Superfly, Superfly is dead!"
The Dead Superfly -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
[++link]
1:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Perfect gift. For your mom. Dude. [++link]
8:43 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
In honor of it being Friday: Deep-fried brain sandwich. [++link]
8:55 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I have officially declared this year to be the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Suck Will's Cock. (This is an extrapolation from my renaming of the tenth month as Suck-Will's-Cocktober.) I did not consider the Chinese calendar, since I am a barbarian, but I will take this opportunity to declare the upcoming to be the Year of Kiss Will's Monkey Ass. [++link]
8:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Like the sign says: Consider the Tapir. [++link]
4:24 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
I would dearly love to know what constitutes "extraordinary ability" for a fashion model. Functions on the fewest number of calories? Nailed some pretty boy before Paris Hilton did? Wears a size "negative pi"? Gets the Congressman's golf ball through the longest garden hose? Meow. [++link]
12:00 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The latest proposal for a WTC memorial, which looked like the pool area at a Vegas hotel in the last model I saw, is apparently being revised to include a whole load of greenery. Good then. Someone remind me that I wanted to check on the percentage of greenspace on Manhattan island. I'm guessing the largest is Central Park, though what the hell do I know. [++link]
11:28 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Strange little man Spalding Gray has gone missing in New York. No, it's real life, not a guest spot on Law & Order. Keep and eye or an ear open. [++link]
11:26 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Dr. Harold Shipman, who killed a few hundred little old ladies with heroin jabs, was found hung up in his cell today. He is currently in hell. [++link]
11:01 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
10:57 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
Now the editorial: Fuck the DNC, fuck the DC Democratic Party, fuck Iowa, fuck New Hampshire, fuck Wesley Clark (lost my vote), fuck John Edwards, fuck Richard Gephardt, fuck John Kerry and fuck Joe Lieberman. While we're at it, fuck Sharpton too, just on principle. Fuck them up their fucking asses!
One more thing: if you're reading this and have no idea what I'm talking about, you're probably not alone. DC residents have no representative in congress or the senate. None. Nada. Niente. And, yes, we do pay federal taxes just like you, too (in case you're under that misconception as well).
Sorry, Will, just got a head of steam going.
[++link]
1:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I'm sure you've wondered too: Why it's called a Hoagie. [++link]
12:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Love among the Sumo. How, in the name of heaven, are such obstacles overcome? [++link]
5:14 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
A link and a rant: I have but one beef with Mr. Soros's article, and it's the same one I have with many: the World Trade Center was NOT the only casualty of September 11, 2001. Begging your pardon, but there was the plane that didn't reach its target and crashed in Pennsylvania. And oh yeah, they hit the Pentagon too. You know, our MILITARY HEADQUARTERS. Isn't that why we finally justified going after the Taliban to dislodge Osama? Apparently not.
It wasn't enough that his goons had hit two U.S. government facilities overseas (hey, remember Embassy bombings, guys? Or did nobody notice that whole 1998 thing because it was August and it was Africa?). Clinton tried to strike back and Congress wrote off his counter-terrorism efforts to covering up his loose zipper. Then there was the U.S.S. Cole, hit by suicide rafters floating in the harbor off Yemen.
So it took a strike on a civilian target on our soil to finally go after the sonofabitch? Under this logic, the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor wouldn't have been enough - they would have to have torpedoed the financial center in Honolulu before we'd have gone to war.
It is not just the Washingtonian in me that resents this apparent bias. This is not about survivor's one-upmanship. I have friends and family in New York. I too cramp up my guts when I think of the people on the floors above the crash zones, unable to escape, or I see the super slo-mo replay of the towers collapsing.
However, I can not erase from my mind the six hours I spent in August 1998 wondering whether a friend of mine was alive or dead - only to learn that she had left Kenya thirteen hours before her friend was decapitated by a flying fax machine. And I can not recall the morning of September 11, 2001 without hearing my co-workers saying "Don't even be kidding about that, my brother works there," and reaching for my cellphone to let my brother know I'm, in a sense, okay as I stand on 23rd street watching the smoke rise over the Lincoln Memorial.
It wasn't just New York, my friends. And giving Saddam the right to a tin plate for his meals means jack shit. The real bad guy is still out there. Here's hoping he's gone by the end of 2004.
[++link]
4:18 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Stop all the clocks, turn off the telephone...let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves and all that. DC area residents, turn off your TVs all day as a mark of respect. [++link]
4:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
This is the kind of thing that mere idiocy cannot produce. Idiocy, sadism, contempt, drugs, and drugs were involved. Or perhaps I'm just silly and having Michael Jackson appear as an agent of the papacy is comedy gold. [++link]
12:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The National Mood Ring is now yellow. That means we can relax in a vigilant sort of way, go about our business as if nothing happened (even though it might), and wait for the next vague shift in our daily anxiety level based on nothing we'll ever hear about (since we don't need a panic, we just need to all be a bit more nervous). Or something. Does anybody on earth seriously think the Dept. of HomeSec is doing anything that a Magic 8-ball couldn't manage? [++link]
11:45 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
8:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
All my Ballston Bloggers say: why is it always us? [++link]
7:16 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
7:14 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
5:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Those of us who grew up in DC in the Reagan years will no doubt be driven to storms of nostalgic pathos by this lovingly detailed paper on the theoretical aftermath of a nuclear attack on the Pentagon. Cue up the Breakfast Club soundtrack, I'm going to knock back some Stoli and write godawful poetry. [++link]
5:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I keep reading about Charlize Theron being up for an Oscar for her daring, edgy performance as ratbag serial killer Aileen Wuornos. (No link, I'm just ranting.) Charlize has done what DeNiro famously did in Raging Bull -- inhabited a character by making herself fat and wearing a ton of makeup that obscures her luminously uninteresting good looks. I haven't seen the movie and I'm not going to shit on her performance or claim that all the critical praise is down to hacks falling for a gimmick. I will only ask the obvious question: Couldn't they find anyone for the role who didn't need a daily regimen to look like shit? Can't you find a fat, ugly actress capable of giving a convincing lead performance as a fat, ugly woman? [++link]
2:24 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
I know a few guys who will probably want to be alone for a while. [++link]
8:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Not exactly a work-safe link: I haven't seen the Paris Hilton Tape all the way through, but the bits I saw were definitely evidence of talent. Paris doesn't have much talent as a TV personality, but she has a fine aptitude for talking silly shit, shopping for appalling clothes, and, apparently, having sex on camera. She may have a chance at a rewarding career and lasting fame after all. [++link]
3:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Good for you this week: Coffee, coffee, coffee, O star of my miserable firmament. [++link]
3:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Hillary Clinton has made an official apology for making a joke about Mahatma Ghandi running a Quik-E-mart. No word as to whether she delivered the apology speech in her famous Apu voice. [++link]
3:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
You have to read all the way to the end to get to the schweet spot of this disdainful slog of a WaPo article, so I will quote: "In Los Angeles, they showed up at a Nike party, where they met movie star Ashton Kutcher, who ended up taking them back to his house, he told Rolling Stone. 'So we're hanging out,' he said. 'The Bushes were underage-drinking at my house. When I checked outside, one of the Secret Service guys asked me if they'd be spending the night. I said no. And then I go upstairs to see another friend and I can smell the green wafting out under his door. I open the door, and there he is, smoking out the Bush twins on his hookah.'" Dude. [++link]
1:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Jay Buckley at Washington Interns Gone Bad is having a photo caption contest in his forum. I can't believe I'm the only person to have entered. Don't be lame, Funsters. [update: please, please don't be lame...] [++link]
4:48 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
My mom recently moved from Beaverton, where she had a Taco Bell within walking distance and a neighbor who either was raising free range chickens or had just forgotten about them, to scenic Lake Oswego. This is good for her, since she has a nicer place and all that, and it's good for you because she has introduced me to the wonders of the community paper's crime blotter. It's a bit like The Far Side without the drawings. [++link]
11:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
A few thoughts on the Princess Di inquest: (a) How on earth do you plot to kill someone by staging a car crash? I suppose you could find a suicidal limo driver, but it all seems a bit Murder She Wrote, (b) I thought the Mirror was a paper for people too stupid to read the Sun. Since when does an allegation in a tits 'n' football tabloid command this sort of seriousness? [++link]
11:20 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
And speaking of weird news and pop stars: she who swore she'd wait till her wedding night -- but didn't -- got married and then didn't do it (if the annulment=no nookie equation holds). Let us observe a moment of silence for those who mourn most deeply, who know the true consquences of this whole sad business: no honeymoon video. [++link]
11:12 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Addendum to the Alex Lifeson post below, for those who are not Slavic language geeks: his real name, Zivojinovich, is likely pronounced with a zh or j sound at the beginning. "Zhizn" is the Slavic root for the word life, "zhivoy" being the adjectival form, "living". The "-inovich" or "-ovich" suffix is a patronymic. So it adds up to "Son of the Living," roughly, or "Lifeson" if you are looking for a stagename that doesn't sound too evangelical. I'll bet he can do a better Serb accent than Dennis Hopper, anyway. Here endeth the lesson; help, I'm turning into my dad. [++link]
11:03 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Man, it is just a crap news week for pop musicians in the AARP demographic, isn't it? [++link]
3:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Any divorce lawyers in the house? The fact that they're seeking an annulment means that the union was uncomsummated, right? Poor silly bastard... [++link]
12:25 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
The Ineffable Tao gives me reason to hope that I will see Greg the Bunny again. And maybe those pinheads at network marketing will remove their heads from their Blaines and give us something other than "reality" programs and "entertainment news" programs about people who were on reality programs. [++link]
12:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The London borough of Brent is trying to reach young people with a strong message on the dangers of hard drug use. I hate to be the one to say the slogan is a bit too subtle for these times. [++link]
12:20 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Last time I took a weekend vacation we caught Saddam Hussein. This time, I take a five-day weekend and the goofiest shit happens. Next time, I'm taking a whole week just to see if the earth crashes into the sun or David Blaine crawls into his own rectum or whatever. [++link]
12:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson is apparently Serbian. That's something I didn't know. [++link]
11:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Tough spot here. On the one hand, Steve Irwin is clearly deranged. On the other hand, he is a GOD to whom the reptile monsters bow down, and his spawn must learn to be more than human as well. I draw the line at comparing him to Michael Jackson, whose kids are fated to set new world records for being fucked up. [++link]
5:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Homicides declined slightly in the Washington DC region in 2003, but the nation's capital still has more killings per capita than any other city with a population of 500,000 or more. So we win even in a slack year, bjötzches. (New Orleans, with a population of about 486,000, is demanding a recount.) [++link]
1:54 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I always make New Year's resolutions, and I usually manage about a 40% success rate. I think I went about 20% in 02003, but it was a real slog of a year. Gonna go for a better result in 02004. So let's see:
1. Improve guitar technique. I like playing guitar, but I pretty much suck at it. This wasn't an issue when I lived alone, but now that I have girlfriend and dog as a captive audience, it's time to put some effort into my Django-style. I'm not looking to cut an album, I just don't want to be inflicting torture whenever I get drunk and haul out the acoustic.
2. More writing projects. Tried the "fewer and more focused" thing, and that was unpleasant and ineffectual. More is better, clearly, so let's see if I can't get a completed piece of work out there by trying more things. (There was a point in 2003 when I was considering dumping the blog, as it was going through a real slump, but a month away from it was enough to change my mind hard.)
3. More cooking. I like restaurants, but I like eating good food at home better.
4. More travel. I've got nowhere to go but up this year, having not even managed a decent road trip in 2003. Goal destinations: St. Petersburg, Los Angeles, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Belize, Portland, London. At the very least I'm driving to Northampton for a god-damned burrito at la Veracruzana.
5. Read more books than I buy. I've accumulated more books than I've read, again, in spite of two years of conscious effort. Baffling. Must catch up.
That's five, and that's fine. Happy New Year to all of y'all.
[++link]
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