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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

3:27 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Since I appear to be taking over the Crime and Punishment beat here on EF, I'm taking bets on who lasts longer: this guy among the general public, or this guy in rightful custody. Each one of them is gonna have a line around the block waiting to dispense a particularly spectacular, gruesome form of mob justice. I wouldn't get in their way.   [++link]

12:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Can anyone see this page? Blogger's telling me I'm in Atlanta, representing the 404.

This is most likely the fault of malicious "black hat" hacker shits and their squealing hatred of all things Microsoft. I have a theory that virus writers are unconsciously compensating for the fact that they will never pass on their genetic material to anything more fertile than a sock.  [++link]

11:16 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Another way to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and other non-sustainable energy sources: hook up a turbine to the Thurmond family vault. No doubt they're all spinning enough to power most of the Bible Belt's major urban centers, eh?   [++link]

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

1:52 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I know that our Chief Executive Funster is on the verge of declaring a moratorium on election-related posts, but I hope he'll let this one past under the Foreign Affairs and Taliban Fixation guidelines:
Next time you hear somebody say, "Oh fuck it, why bother voting?" slap them upside the head from me, and remind them they've got something that other people are dying to have. You can light a candle or you can curse the darkness.
And to the stone-age cowards responsible for these things: Go Directly To Hell. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200 Dollars or 79 Virgins or Whatever The Fuck You Think You're Entitled To For Slaughtering Unarmed Civilians.   [++link]

12:51 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

By the way, while you've been distracted by a steady stream of decapitations, bombings, Clinton memoirs, and other bad movie fodder, somebody out there has been making a good-faith effort to relieve the American people of their dependence on foreign oil and of the perception that we suck up to dictators as a matter of convenience. Or NOT.
  [++link]

Monday, June 28, 2004

4:09 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Apparently the Marine being threatened with decapitation in Irag is a Muslim of Lebanese birth. Looks like their usual pre-murder speech for the cameras will need a rewrite.  [++link]

12:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Editorial Note: I'm about a day away from declaring a stone moratorium on all election-related news, mostly because I've reached the top limit on ambient Michael Moore presence in my consciousness.   [++link]

Sunday, June 27, 2004

1:25 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Oh, I would say this is very much the time for "pessimism and rage."  [++link]

Friday, June 25, 2004

1:31 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Don't know whether to shit or go blind? Who says you can't have the best of both worlds? Anything you can buy in a Russian gas station has got to be good for you (and yes, you get a water pipe with it -- in specially marked package, while supplies last!)  [++link]

11:11 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, let's hear it for "frank exchanges of views". While we're at it, let's tell Mr. Cheney to frank himself the way his former employer keeps franking up the books and franking over the Pentagon with overcharges and whatnot. Really, I'd just like to see the guy frank off and die. Ah, the elevated level of discourse among our solons on the Hill!   [++link]

9:07 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Dimwitted slag Monica Lewinsky can't believe how mean Bill Clinton was in his new bio, in which he totally doesn't acknowledge that he like ruined her whole life. That would be the bit when he what, sank your two-term presidency by bragging about the affair to an opposition troll with a tape recorder? And why aren't you doing porn yet?  [++link]

Thursday, June 24, 2004

5:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My friends seem to be divided quite sharply between those who are skipping out of work early tomorrow to see Fahrenheit 9/11 and the rest of us who'd rather eat double handfuls of shit until it spurts out our nostrils.

I'm in too vile a mood to say a god-damned thing about that, so here are some really messed-up Spider Man strips. Just keep clicking refresh until you dook in your drawers.  [++link]

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

4:16 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

It was bound to happen sooner or later: someone I know has been wounded in Iraq. When I was looking for something to link to about this, I found that if you type "Iraq +wounded +Marine" into Google, you're going to get more hits than you can handle. The names of the dead are all over the web; the wounded are harder to find. Fortunately, my former colleague is expected to recover, which is more than I can say for his former colleagues.
Me, I'm gonna slash the tires on the next SUV I spot, and say "Thanks to you, my comrade has a face full of shrapnel. That's for Steve, you gas-guzzling bastard."  [++link]

12:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Six years for Dwight the Fucking Idiot. Hopefully in a cage in the middle of a fountain.  [++link]

11:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Canada is issuing a Space Moose commemorative quarter, and it beats all of our state quarters into the dirt.  [++link]

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

4:00 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Well, that's a shocker.  [++link]

12:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Watching Christopher Hitchens put his ragged fangs and claws to work is a pleasure denied to many who do not smoke his particular brand of leftism. What a joy, then, to see him putting the bricks to Michael Moore.  [++link]

Monday, June 21, 2004

6:43 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Just got back from Bloomsday in Dublin. Had a gorgonzola sandwich and a glass of burgundy at Davy Byrne's, climbed Martello Tower (but didn't brave the scrotum-tightening sea), befriended a descendent, the whole bit. I find chapter three to be the killer; go ahead and skip it, and you might find it gets better in c.4...  [++link]

1:37 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Speaking of Hell, today Jean-Paul Sartre would be 99 years old, had he not passed from being into nothingness.   [++link]

1:29 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

It is imperfect justice, but it's a start. If they ever manage to nail the rest of the avaricious bastards, I hope the lot of them end up in "Oz" - or whichever corner of Hell is reserved for pedophiles and terrorists.   [++link]

11:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Since I've only gotten one offer of Cole Porter tabs (Go Holly Go), I'm giving you all 24 hours then I'm donating my remaining 5 gmail invites to Gmail4Troops.com.  [++link]

Sunday, June 20, 2004

5:19 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Just got back from a coffeeshop demo/workshop with ukulele superman Jake Shimabukuro. Jake is a frickin' awesome uke player and a really nice dude. Girlfriend Liz and I are going to see him in concert tonight, and if he puts on half the show he did for six nerds drinking lattes, everyone's going to go home happy.   [++link]

5:06 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Ahem. Two words to grab the attention of all fans of a free press: PENIS QUOTA. Wouldn't you just love to be on the committee that came up with those guidelines? I'm going to sit in the corner giggling all day just thinking about it. Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled adulthood, already in progress (kind of).   [++link]

Saturday, June 19, 2004

2:52 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Sir Paul McCartney is another year closer to 64. He might not make it if he runs into this guy. I thought I had Beatlemania bad, but whoooeee...   [++link]

2:47 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Regarding Bloomsday, I give you Virginia Woolf (to Lytton Strachey, after reading the first six chapters of Ulysses): "Never have I read such tosh...Of course, genius may blaze out on page 652, but I have my doubts." Well, guess I can cross it off my list of Stuff I Should Read Before I Die.   [++link]

Friday, June 18, 2004

4:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Because Random is the New Black, I give you the history of Corry's Slug & Snail Death.  [++link]

Thursday, June 17, 2004

11:06 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I have six Gmail invites. Who wants a Gmail account? Send me ukulele tabs for Cole Porter.  [++link]

12:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Noted: Celebrated Bloomsday by reading 13 pages of Ulysses. (And drank tequila, just to be ornery.) I have a strong sense that if I'd been assigned to read it when I was a student, I would have switched majors or given up on school altogether.   [++link]

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

2:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's Bloomsday, for all you absent-minded English majors out there. In honor of Mr. Joyce, I'm going to take my guilt over never having read Ulysses and pour Guinness all over it.   [++link]

1:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Johnny Ramone is in his fourth year fighting prostate cancer, and word is he's getting beat. It's not your classic rock star way to go, but it's way rougher than some pussy overdose. It's way more punk rock to keep on going until your own body kills you.   [++link]

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

12:40 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Disadvantages of living overseas: I'm about three days behind on this kind of gag. Not that I could have indulged anyway, what with the bun in the oven. But now I can start working on Dead Pool spinoffs for both Bushes, Cheney, and a few other select candidates.   [++link]

7:42 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

New bio of Stanley Milgram. Love the title.  [++link]

7:34 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I was in Cologne some years ago, and the museum has a bunch of ancient Roman whatnot on display in the public square. It's positively caked in graffiti, of course. (You would not believe how lame German graffiti is.) With that in mind, I can't share the outrage at the defiling of the fiberglass pandas.   [++link]

7:31 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

EF Public Service Announcement: Virginia law makes it a felony for an adult to engage in a sexual relationship with a 13- or 14-year-old. It is a Class 1 misdemeanor for anyone 18 or older to engage in consensual sexual intercourse with a child age 15 to 17. (This holds even if they've snuck into a bar using a fake ID and are wearing something reall cute.)  [++link]

Monday, June 14, 2004

5:57 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

What are they, friggin' nuts? No, no, they're just counting on marketing to a demographic that doesn't remember the "New Coke" debacle. Hell of a way to pay tribute to the passing of the "Cola Wars" president -- but oddly fitting.   [++link]

Sunday, June 13, 2004

11:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Treasonous, child-murdering goon Terry Nichols will not be executed for his crimes, in part because of his jailhouse conversion. I find myself wondering what percentage of persons facing the death penalty in America do not embrace evangelical Christianity. Are the born-agains okay with murderer after murderer using their faith as a needle-blocker?   [++link]

11:26 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Rasputin's giant pickled weenie in a jar. Don't drink that, missy, it's not good for you.  [++link]

11:05 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, I guess it's official: the Cold War is not just over, it is totally five minutes ago. Happy Anniversary; it's a shame he probably wouldn't have been able to comprehend it.   [++link]

Friday, June 11, 2004

11:51 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

I can see the National Cathedral from my front porch. Sad to report, contrary to the expectations of some, no holy light shines upon it at this hour.   [++link]

11:09 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Just watched from the balcony of my building as the motorcade rolled by on 22nd street. Dozen or so town cars and huge SUVs, dwarfing a smallish hearse with a presidential seal the size of a tea saucer on the door. Saw the flag-draped coffin through the back window.

And that was that. A few hundred umbrellas drifted off, scattered in the wake.   [++link]

Thursday, June 10, 2004

4:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ray Charles is dead at 73. I saw him live at Wolf Trap a few years ago, and he had enough energy to tucker out a kindergarten class. Hail and farewell, sir.  [++link]

3:34 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Courtney Love is in it again, this time for assaulting a woman in her boyfriend's house with a liquor bottle and a flashlight. What concerns me here is that they don't ever say what she did with said flashlight... They make clear that the liquor bottle was used for whomping purposes, but our imaginations are apparently otherwise free to roam.   [++link]

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

4:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"All right then Mr. Judy, looks like we've found your trouble. Seems we found this little fellow nesting in your soul, sucking out all the hope and joy. Yep, demon imp possessions are really going around this year... Oop, don't touch, you'll never play the ukulele again..."  [++link]

1:54 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

No, really, Hitch, say what you mean.   [++link]

1:32 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

On this day in history, somebody finally had the sack to stand up, speak truth to power, and tell the world that the Emperor was butt nekkid. If no one has built a statue to the man yet, it should be done - and long before any more effing Reagan necropoli.   [++link]

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

5:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

As for the Ronny tributes: Enough. E-fucking-nuff. The man's name is on half a dozen buildings in DC alone. They named an airport after him, which is (as I have said before ad noz) like naming a coal mine after Thatcher. We don't need the face of the man whose administration gave us the worst fiscal deficits in US history printed on our cash as anything but a dire warning.  [++link]

11:50 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Morrisey, in case you weren't aware, is no stranger to controversy. Haven't heard the full quip; perhaps it was in actuality some Wildean pearl drop as opposed to the reported adolescent bleat.  [++link]

Monday, June 07, 2004

1:54 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I spent the 60th Anniversary of D-Day eating hot dogs and watching "Saving Private Ryan" with a bunch of Marines. (Don't ask, I won't tell.) Please excuse the length of this post, but some experiences are so surreal they must be shared in order to be believed. (And I am paraphrasing somewhat here.) The Marine commander's eight-year-old daughter pulled up a barstool next to me as Tom Hanks and his comrades were preparing to storm the beaches.

Me: Honey, are you sure you want to be watching this? It's kind of messy.
She: It's okay, I've seen stuff like this before. Dad let me watch [some other movie I don't remember now].
Me: Really? Well, this is probably a little worse. It's very realistic and it might be scary. You don't have to watch, you know.
She: [as a soldier falls to the sand with one of his legs blown off] Scary like what?
Me: Well, kinda like that. A lot of people get hurt and killed in this scene.
She: It's okay, I'm used to it. [another soldier bursts into flame]
Me: Well...if you say so. But if you want to go, you shouldn't feel bad. They say that this part of the movie is about as close to the real thing as it gets. I think it's kind of scary.
She: You mean this really happened?
Me: Yes, honey, this really happened. Not like this is pictures that they took when it happened, but the events they're showing here really happened. In fact, it was 60 years ago today, that's why we're watching it.
She: When?
Me: On this day, 60 years ago. Before any of us here were born, probably. But it really happened.
She: But Forrest Gump wasn't there.
Me: Right.
She: So what is it?
Me: This is the Americans and the British landing in France to fight the Germans. You know where those places are, right? You've seen them on the map.
She: Yeah. So why are they fighting?
Me: Because -
She: Wait, the Germans are the bad guys, right? So they deserve it.
Me: Um...
She: Right, they're the bad guys. But what were we doing there?
Me: Well, a crazy man wanted to take over the world. We decided we didn't want him to. He was hurting and killing a lot of people, so we had to stop him.
She: Is that the one who wanted to kill all the Jews?
Me: Yes, sweetie, that's right, but it wasn't just Jews, it was a lot of people he didn't like or thought didn't belong. He thought the world would be a much better place if he was in charge and everybody did what he said. We said "that's not democracy, that's not freedom, that's not fair" and us and the English and the Canadians and a whole bunch of people got together to try and stop him.
She: But we didn't start fighting him right away?
Me: Well, he started out just threatening his neighbors, then he went after countries that were our good friends, and we realized that he really meant it.
She: But why did we wait?
Me: Well, sweetie, have you ever seen a crazy dog in the street? People know that it's dangerous, but they don't want to go near it because they're afraid it will bite them. They know that the dog has to be stopped and controlled, but nobody wants to get too close to it. [Thinking: please, kiddo, don't ask me about Iraq.]
She: [as Tom Hank's radio man gets his face blown off] So these guys went out there and fought for us?
Me: That's right. 60 years ago today, this event happened.
She: I pray for them, you know. I pray for them every night, the people who keep us safe.
Me: That's a good thing, honey. You should definitely do that.
She: And the guys on the other side, too. There are people who say you shouldn't pray for them, that we should just hate them and say they don't deserve to prayed for. I think that's wrong. You're not supposed to hate people, you should pray for them.
Me: That's a really good attitude, sweetie. I'm glad you do that.
She: [hopping down from barstool] I'm gonna get some more popcorn, you want some?

1:53 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And on that note, speaking of praying for people you dislike: count me in with all the others who grew up hating Reagan, making jokes about his butt troubles, and saying catty things about Nancy. I never liked them, either one. And if you'd asked me twenty years ago if I would ever in my life feel anything resembling sympathy for "Mommy," my angst-ridden adolescent self would have told you you're nuts. "I empathize with Nancy Reagan" is something I would think I'm as likely to say as "Oh, sure, Mr. Mysterious Nigerian Merchant Banker, here's my account number and PIN code, thanks for writing."
I wouldn't wish death by Alzheimer's on anyone, not Reagan, not either Bush, not Osama bin Ladin. And today, I empathize with Nancy Reagan. The Ineffable One has Its ways of reminding us Who's In Charge and keeping us humble.   [++link]

Sunday, June 06, 2004

8:21 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

My only disappointment about this situation is that I never got to spread the term "J. Blo" around further. I can only imagine how much Ben is drinking right now -- either in seething rage, or in raucous celebration of his lucky escape.   [++link]

Saturday, June 05, 2004

4:59 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Gipper is dead at 93.

I was all punk rock back in the day, and I cheered when Hinckley took a pop at him. I am middle-aged now and watched my grandmother die from Alzheimers, and I am simply glad that his years of suffering are over.   [++link]

4:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The bar for losing your shit and going on a one-man destructive rampage has been raised to an impossible height. I'm not making light of the harm this man did, but I can't help but stand slightly in awe.   [++link]

Friday, June 04, 2004

4:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"Jesus appeared to us in a white globe of light, and he told us to wrap it up, and that we utterly suck and always have. So we're starting up some sad solo projects and looking into pursuing prescription drug habits and really hi-carb diets. Peace out; see you at the Waffle House!"  [++link]

11:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Have I been remiss lately in passing on head-screwing wee flash games? I have. Thank heavens for Fark.com.  [++link]

10:57 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Excellent news for the future of independent music: The current generation of UK kids are totally fucked up and miserable.  [++link]

10:52 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And lest you believe that I am a terminal crank, here's a little ray of sunshine. Some days, yes, all I want to do is grind my teeth and watch Kill Bill on endless loop; other days, I curl up in a warm Lushy bath with one of these books and I can forget about parts of the world that aren't warm and kindly.   [++link]

10:44 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Several years ago, I heard a CNN reporter refer to the "riots" in Tiananmen Square. All I could think was, "You bastards will do anything for market penetration, won't you?" and "thus confirmeth my belief that Ted Turner is the AntiChrist." I still don't think too highly of Mr. Lets-Colorize-Classic-B&W-Movies, but I'm pleased to see that at least some of the editors at CNN have grown some guts. Ave atque vale, 15 years on.   [++link]

Thursday, June 03, 2004

11:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, has some words for Michael Moore. One compound word in particular.  [++link]

10:38 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I do not share Kindly Uncle William's disdain for Michael Moore and his headgear, and I'm much more interested in seeing "Fahrenheit 9/11" than any other sensationalist snuff flick this year (e.g. "The Passion"). I am too much of a First Amendment junkie to let some shit slide. Anything that provokes regime change in Washington this November is cool by me.   [++link]

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

12:32 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Speaking of Project Mayhem, Jose Padilla reveals where al Qaeda gets their ideas. The calls for Chuck Palahniuk and David Fincher's blacklisting will begin imminently.  [++link]

12:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I detest Michael Moore. Not because I feel that we have a duty not to question, criticize, or mock as a tool and imbecile our current president. And not because I think Moore is a grandstanding pie-wagon who merrily foments conspiracy theories, stages faux-documentary footage, and sucks up to the corrupt, schoolgirl-bullying, cowardly French.

No, I loathe Michael Moore for wearing that fucking hat. The rest is just detail.  [++link]

10:17 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Congratulations, you figured out that sullen teenagers prefer to take drugs rather than talk. Don't wait by the phone for the Nobel committee.   [++link]

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

10:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Project Mayhem lives on.  [++link]

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