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Friday, February 28, 2003

4:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Calcutta doctors have transplanted a penis from a child born with two to another born without one.   [++link]

1:04 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Message to PETA: Hitler was a vegetarian, too.   [++link]

11:55 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

I win! New Weebl and Bob...but this one's actually funny.   [++link]

9:24 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You know the old joke about the Ukrainian police? Okay: Why do Ukrainian police cars have stripes on the doors? So the cops can find the handles.

Okay, that isn't very funny, but this is.  [++link]

9:18 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ted Rall has come to the defence of the much-maligned French. He makes several valid historical points (omitting that Chirac has his job because his only opposition in the last election was the leader of the openly fascist National Front, but that isn't really germane, I just like to point it out whenever possible) before he goes off the rails as usual.   [++link]

9:08 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Among the myriad things I love about the internet is that when some pressure group gets in a huff and demands that an offensive image be banned or withdrawn, suddenly it becomes news and thus hyperavailable.   [++link]

Thursday, February 27, 2003

4:15 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

"Casting a man-high fireball, reportedly with no damage to the paint, the Blaster has been placed on 25 South African vehicles since its introduction last month."  [++link]

3:43 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Not that the promotional machine that is "Washington Interns Gone Bad" needs my paltry help, but the big screen premiere is coming up in Washington DC on March 4. Kindy Uncle William and I will be there; see if you can spot us. Look for the the pair of guys most misidentified as a couple...That's us!  [++link]

8:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Things to do besides temping: Street musician? Nahhhh... Dalek?  [++link]

7:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Bye, Fred. Enjoy the Magic Kingdom.  [++link]

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

10:48 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Just to prove that I am not the world's crankiest person even after caffeination: here, look at something pretty that will make you feel nice and relaxed. We all could use some of that, right?   [++link]

12:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Jackass boys walked down the red carpet for their London premiere last night with their stained jockeys in vidence. I imagine this was a protest re: their art being censored heavily in the UK, which has way tighter standards for supposed violent content. Or Stevo & pals are just too brain-damaged to remember to pull their trousers back up after crapping in the limo.  [++link]

12:51 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not Good for you this week: Claiming beer is good for you.  [++link]

12:50 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Speaking in an interview with Dan Rather, the Iraqi president said: "We will die here. We will die in this country and we will maintain our honour". Two out of three, which shows pretty good comprehension of current events, Moustache Psycho.   [++link]

12:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I link to this chiefly because it brings back fond memories of my theatre tech pals bounding around backstage shouting, "Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, fucking Macbeth!" before every show.  [++link]

8:26 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Snow! More FUCKING snow! Millions upon millions of unique little white BASTARDS!

This is DC, not Fargo. We don't play this shit. We never get enough snow that I get sick of it.  [++link]

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

8:43 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Chewing cinnamon sticks is apparently a folk remedy for having a song stuck in your head. (My usual cure is to drive the stuck song out with something catchy that either doesn't stick (like the I Dream of Genie theme) or doesn't annoy me.) Perhaps I will start carrying cinnamon Altoids in preparation for the next time I get the Kid's Bop version of Soak Up the Sun stuck in my head.  [++link]

8:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

As further proof that I woke up in another dimension this morning, here's Mike Tyson sounding perfectly rational and slightly underconfident in an interview.  [++link]

8:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Months of investigation, undercover work, and plain hard work have paid off: Ashcroft's Avengers have taken down international drug baron Tommy Chong's not-secret-in-the-smallest-bit bongwerks. Next, they're going after the Cartoon Network and Ben & Jerry.  [++link]

Monday, February 24, 2003

11:47 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And now, my moment of Zen: while shopping at Target in Los Angeles on Saturday, I passed by -- not once, but twice -- Tracey Ullman.

No, you may NOT touch me.   [++link]

10:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Break out the Guinness, the Balvenie, the artichoke crab dip, and the fezzes: The Enormous, Fun Weblog is two years old. And four days. Sorry, I was out in the freezing rain all weekend and it slipped my mind.

Thank you all for the unwarranted faith you have shown in this little enterprise. I'll send you your books this week, I swear.  [++link]

6:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Saddam clearly thinks himself a crafty man, striking at our President's obvious weaknesses. (CBS's counter-offer of a one-hour interview special with Martin Bashir was apparently turned down. Psyops must be kicking themselves...)  [++link]

2:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I hate hearing Bill Clinton open his mouth these days; it just reminds me that all our 8-year respite from Republican rule did was make us fat and smug and unprepared for The Coming ShitHammer.   [++link]

1:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Maori are annoyed that Mike Tyson's new face furniture appears to be a stylized version of their traditional scary face tats. (Seeing as he's a deranged, ear-eating rapo and such.) They're even more annoyed by Robbie Williams, which I can understand.  [++link]

8:15 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Once again, Cat 'n' Girl gives us a perfect moment and a whistling punchline.   [++link]

8:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Research into the latest European foot 'n' mouth disease outbreak has produced results in the Netherlands: Full grown cows the size of dogs. As with all things Dutch, the spectre of marijuana hangs over this news.  [++link]

7:57 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I found a real picture of Heather Havrilesky! (Scroll down, scroll down.) She's fine. Check out that brainy forehead.  [++link]

Sunday, February 23, 2003

5:29 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Words escape me. Not for the workplace!  [++link]

5:18 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

So you lost all your money falling for a scam that's been around since the Victorian era? What's the best way, do you think, to show your friends and family that you're not really a drooling moron who shouldn't be trusted with the key to his own My Little Pony diary lock? With a bit of pointless and moronically misdirected homicidal violence, of course!
  [++link]

Friday, February 21, 2003

7:10 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, now I feel all sorts of better about not having CNN where I live (yes, there are such places on earth). Now I can hear our Idiot-Manchild-In-Chief embarrass us before the entire English-speaking world whenever I want! Ain't technology grand?   [++link]

12:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Enormous Funkers do please welcome our newest contributor/partisan, Mr. Greg Kramer. New blood for the life-draining vampire that is EF.  [++link]

10:58 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

OK, I know it's The Sun. And I know that the British world revolves around The Family Beckham (aka The Non-Inbred Royals). But this is news?!?!. Our allies in the war against terror, ladies and gentlemen! No wonder the rest of the world hates us.
  [++link]

10:31 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Geez Our Mum, it's not like I shagged him. I just wrapped my lips around his bacteria-ridden, sweaty penis and drank deeply of his seminiferous discharge just like they taught us in school.
  [++link]

9:40 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Bono and the Pope are both up for the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize. I'm thinking of making some crack about career coasting, Jimmy Carter, and whitewashing decades of child sex abuse, but it isn't coming together.  [++link]

9:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Justin Timberlake asserts his hetness.  [++link]

9:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This trick really works. But I imagine it creates issues in later life...  [++link]

9:21 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Mike Tyson's got a face tattoo. It's very 90s.   [++link]

Thursday, February 20, 2003

4:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Yes, I am in a brain-boiling foul temper today, thank you for asking. How foul? This is the only thing I've so much as cracked a smile at all day.  [++link]

4:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I don't have an ounce of sympathy for either side in this bullshit. Arrogant surgeon on one side, undergraduate carping on the other. I wish they could both lose somehow.  [++link]

10:07 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

God, I hate The West Wing. I'm going to sit down and watch Apocalypse Now and rewind over the bit where Marty wastes that teenage girl with the puppy a hundred times.  [++link]

9:46 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Mayor of Amsterdam just failed to get the city council behind his plan to impose closing hours on the window girls. Woooo, 24-hour bought sex for all. Maybe they could open a couple of frickin' 7-11s...  [++link]

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

6:04 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Fucking Blogger was down all day, which saved you from a lot, since I was a bit stressed and poised to vent all day. Lucky, in the end.

On the other hand, if I could get away with having Movable Type on my machine at work, I would tell Blogger to chow down on some of these.  [++link]

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

8:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Bush to Anti-war Protestors: Fuck you, hippies.  [++link]

5:51 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Back from Scandinavia, where I found a surprising number of fair-skinned blondes and redheads with dreadlocks. I have no idea what to make of this. I'm coming home to the USA for a week of sunny southern California weather, and I expect I'll encounter more European-Americans with non-traditional hairstyles. Instead of letting this bother me, I'll focus my energies on not wigging out in palatial grocery stores or throwing things at the godawful crimes against humanity masquerading as network television since I left. After a week, I'll either be hog-whimperingly homesick and quit my job, or I'll be so disgusted that I'll head back across the ocean. Place your bets; catch you next week.  [++link]

Monday, February 17, 2003

9:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My take is that it's all an elaborate ruse to get Geri to frickin' eat something.  [++link]

Friday, February 14, 2003

4:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Fave Doctor Who baddies the Daleks turn 40 today. And yes, you're a dork if you care.  [++link]

9:25 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

New Weebl & Bob. That's all.  [++link]

9:18 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My theory is that the rainbow-colored threat system is a coded message that Rumsfeld is gayer than Xmas.  [++link]

Thursday, February 13, 2003

4:35 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And after that little rant, I needed a dose of this to mellow me out. I am such a dork.   [++link]

4:18 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I'm observing the hysteria back home with a mixture of horrific deja vu and twisted amusement. From what my multiple sources on the home front tell me, the rumor mill is convinced that this weekend either Saddam or Shrub is going to send the other a great big ballistic valentine. Me, I'm not worried. I'm running away to Scandanavia this weekend, and have no intention of turning on a television. Fuck it, if mere anarchy is loosed upon the world and rough beasts slouch toward Helsinki to be born, I figure I'll go out of this world with but a single regret: that I will never have taken a shower with Viggo "Aragorn" Mortenson. Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt...   [++link]

12:51 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There's a new cell-phone alert service in London that sends you a text message if there's a terror alert in your postal code. Nice bit of war profiteering. And why the fuck don't we have one for DC? Someone get on that.  [++link]

12:03 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Okay, how many of you guessed this chick as Liv Tyler's kid sis?   [++link]

12:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

In case you were wondering how to say "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" in proper French (just for effect), it is apparently "les primates capitulards toujours en quete de fromage". Kudos to das Instapundit.  [++link]

12:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Fucking Lileks: Turns out the Dell dude does a noble deed more often than I do, and now I feel bad for laughing at his expense. That isn't quite fair, considering how annoying those ads are.  [++link]

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

12:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

From the BBC: "The following is the full text of an audio message purported to be by al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, broadcast on Arab television station al-Jazeera on 11 February."  [++link]

11:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Astrophysicists have determined the exact age of the universe: 13.7 billion years. Metaphysicists hope to apply this data to the search for the exact age of the Tao (current estimate: "older than the ancestor").  [++link]

11:07 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Good for you this week: Fragging b1tch3zz.  [++link]

1:32 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Here in DC we know how to handle the tough times. Just like we handle occasional snowfalls: We freak the fuck out, run to the store, and start clearing the shelves. Only difference is instead of buying shitloads of milk and bumwad, it's duct tape and drop cloths.

God DAMN I'm glad this has descended into farce so quickly. I need a laugh when I'm this wigged.  [++link]

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

3:00 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Did the Swiss build Stonehenge? Please say no. Although it might be the first Swiss watch...  [++link]

1:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Joanne Rowling (pronounced "rolling", as in "fucking rolling in it") Update: Considering buying Wales outright.  [++link]

8:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Them Louisville sewer rats are DEFINITELY not afraid of the fucking POLICE right now.  [++link]

8:31 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Build your own Cartoon Luchador! Es Muy Bueno!  [++link]

Monday, February 10, 2003

4:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Dell "dude" got busted in Manhattan for indiscretely scoring some shwag. This won't put him out of circulation, but we can close our eyes and imagine him being brutalized by a bunch of vicious baseheads while being held overnight for arraignment. [kudos to G. Kramer for link]  [++link]

8:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm still on the fence as to whether to see the new version of Solaris. It was playing across the street from my office or a week, but I couldn't budget an evening. We don't have any second-run theatres in town anymore, so that's out. TiVo picked up the Tartakovsky version, which I watched about 1/4 of before I had to delete it so I'd have room for my sister's shows (I liked it, since I have an unnatural love of really slow film). So I'm definitely curious, but there are only so many three-hour movies I can sit through, especially now that I have to wait for the DVD (dear god, imagine the director's cut...). And I have some issues with George Clooney.  [++link]

7:58 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Actual size.  [++link]

Sunday, February 09, 2003

6:41 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Our friends at Amazon must have a zillion thesauruses (thesauri?) at their fingertips, yet they have not found a way to express irony until now. (And yes, I know that's not the real definition of irony, so get off my tits already.)   [++link]

5:20 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

A while back, if you Googled the phrase "dumb motherfucker" it would lead you to Candidate/Governor Bush's homepage. I think we should alert Google to a new destination.   [++link]

5:14 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

The Taliban are scattered and running like the little bitches that they are, and I can't resist the urge to rub their noses in it. Therefore, halfwit publicity stunts like this have me both shaking my head in wonder and grinning like a Cheshire cat on Orange Sunshine. I love the smell of extremists pissing themselves in the morning...  [++link]

Friday, February 07, 2003

10:21 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

One of these Lane Bryant underwear models is Liv Tyler's sister. Really. Anybody know which one? Don't click this at work.  [++link]

10:14 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Pre-invasion post-Columbia slowwwww news day.  [++link]

10:13 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Anna Nicole's second season starts March 2. I'll either be reading an improving book or puncturing my eyeballs with forks.

Seriously, speaking as a guy who watched nearly 40% of last season, including the Xmas special (which Amnesty International should be condemning E! for having staged), what fresh Hell can they possibly unleash in a new season? Anna does a shoot for Plumpers magazine? Howard the lawyer gets caught panty-sniffing in the laundry room? Her poor son sues for emancipation?   [++link]

10:06 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Caption Competition entry #1 for the pic below: "When they came for the furverts, I did not speak out..."  [++link]

Thursday, February 06, 2003

11:43 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

  [++link]

11:38 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Good for you this week: Shaving and Meditating. Not at the same time.  [++link]

11:20 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Like so many provincial towns in Britain, Bedford undergoes a remarkable metamorphosis on Saturday nights, transforming itself from sleepy market town into a magnet for young people who are out for excitement. Artist Andre Stitt proposes to "destabilise and question this revelry" by kicking a takeaway curry carton from one end of the High Street to the other. This marks the lamest reason for the lamest performance art concept I have ever seen heard or read about ever. I suspect a movement here, a tectonic shift towards a lameness so lame that it implodes boredom into excitement as if it had lumbered into a black hole and been pooped out the other side into a Disneyland universe of curry-scented SooperXtreme Fun.  [++link]

11:03 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Muslim cleric Sheikh Abdullah el-Faisal has stated that Israeli Shuttle Astronaut Ilan Ramon should not have been working on a Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. He told an Old Bailey jury that this was a "splendid example of Jewish deceitfulness".   [++link]

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

3:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

More WTC findings: If extra fireproof insulation had been applied (and had remained in place after the planes hit), the buildings would have remained standing longer. They'd have stayed up a lot longer if the planes hadn't hit them, if you want to take the point to its logical conclusion.   [++link]

3:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You probably got your first case of the hiccups when your were still in your first trimester in the womb. This apparently has to do with gill function, suckling, and god hating you...  [++link]

1:01 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Our senior officials are getting a bad reputation for censorship in set-dressing.  [++link]

12:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Official: There is no more Yugoslavia. One can see that the mapmakers might be inclined to wait before commiting to the new names and borders.  [++link]

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

5:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Just a quick note to the dude who found my site by googling "Olsen Twins Spanking Stories": You are not welcome here at any time ever again.  [++link]

1:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Our little Churchill will be making his long-awaited war speech soon, rumor has it. I wish I was a speechwriter. I'd so be lobbying for him to say, "Oh, and the French? FUCK the French."  [++link]

8:36 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Apparently you can mouth off too much for Finsbury. (What I heard is that he was insisting on playing Long John Silver in the Xmas Panto next year, and this is a blocking move.)  [++link]

8:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This week on "Ask Mr. God Almighty": Harry Potter is okay because we all had fairy stories as kids and turned out fine; Crystal pixies suck; and it's uppity to take your Zionist masters into space.  [++link]

Monday, February 03, 2003

2:59 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Apparently, "hokus pokus" means "hanky panky" in Czech. Learn more Czech.  [++link]

10:38 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is interesting not because it's anything other than a typical monday morning business page article, but because it's the first time I've seen such an article name-check a Fugazi album for the title.  [++link]

8:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

One of the major issues with legalized prostitution is pointless governmental interference.  [++link]

8:20 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is interesting, in that one only has to read between the lines a wee bit to hear an academic on the BBC saying, "Fuck peaceful protest, you stupid hippie, smash some windows and get your head kicked in by cops if you want to make a political point."  [++link]

8:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The latest fitness craze is running around the house like a wild monkey and freaking the shit out of your roomies.   [++link]

Sunday, February 02, 2003

6:23 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Everyone has his own sense of priorities.   [++link]

6:15 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

"Hey Farmer," says the fox, "I'd be happy to guard the henhouse for you while you deal with that fire in the barn..."  [++link]

Saturday, February 01, 2003

4:32 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

"My candle's burning at both ends
it will not last the night
but ah, my foes and oh, my friends
it gives a lovely light."
Ave atque vale.  [++link]

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