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Thursday, July 31, 2003

4:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not sure you're up to speed in re: your itching, burning butthole? Take this snazzy quiz!  [++link]

12:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The invasion begins.  [++link]

12:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Sorry about the outfit. Laundry day, you know...  [++link]

12:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I present a neologism for your consideration: PETArd.   [++link]

12:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There's some talk going on about burial arrangements for U&Q Hussein -- where to get appropriately gangster flower arrangements and the like. It's all very touchy, since no one from the family is likely to come forward to lend a hand. I personally favor Salaam Pax's notion of burying them in an unmarked grave in the middle of the desert somewhere and letting the family search in vain for decades.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

4:56 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There are no simple answers. Okay, perhaps there's one.  [++link]

2:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm a bit too scruffy and suburban to pass for metrosexual, in spite of my extensive collection of grooming products. I'm fine with this. I'll start wearing pantyhose to work before I set up a weekly manicure appointment.  [++link]

1:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Czech Republic is all set to join the EU next year. This is a bit sad, since it means Prague won't be any sort of cheapskate traveller's paradise anymore. On the other hand, there will be less incentive to film piece-of-shit action movies there.  [++link]

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

4:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm not wishing for any more Code Orange days, I'm just sick of my morning commute consisting of involuntary frottage with hundreds of carb-bloated noisy hicks in flag t-shirts. Y'all have to be so god-damned patriotic?  [++link]

3:34 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Trivia meets Coincidence: No, I was not aware when I wrote the post below that the Bros. Hussein were demolished on the anniversary of John Dillinger's death.   [++link]

12:51 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Truants are more than five times as likely to take drugs than other schoolchildren, according to research published today. Well, they make it awfully difficult to do drugs in school, as I recall. The innovative solve for this is of course to stop policing the bathrooms.  [++link]

12:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Another innovative plan in the dustbin, right next to Project TIPS.   [++link]

Monday, July 28, 2003

11:05 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Speaking of death: Someone from Iron Butterfly was still alive. Yesterday.   [++link]

9:40 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

BELIEVE NOT the SLANDERS and FALSEHOODS of the NON-BELIEVER!!! His sun-like power REIGNS!!! His IRON majesty the IMMORTAL war-god BOB-HOVAH, older than all things, LIVES!!! HE LIVES!!!  [++link]

Friday, July 25, 2003

9:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I don't know which is more disturbing: the before photos of U & Q, in which they look like they were poured out of a bucket onto the gurneys, or the alien autopsy post-reconstruction shots, in which they look like they're being prepped as carny attractions. I think what's really disturbing is that there are a lot of people who just aren't willing to be convinced that the fuckers are dead, dead, dead as Dillinger. I get a sense that the current administration is not going to budget much more time towards indulging skeptics.  [++link]

9:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

All of you owe Greg "Bullshit Detector" Kramer a drink for calling this one. That's a gin martini, up with a twist.  [++link]

4:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Sorry about the lack of updates; we had some technical difficulties. They are resolved. Carry on.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

12:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is in fact the oddest thing I've ever found in the Most Popular Stories section on Yahoo news.   [++link]

11:25 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Somewhere out there, a marketing executive is drooling like a fiend. The real question is, did she give it to him?   [++link]

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

2:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

O Babylon, Babylon the destroyer,
happy the man who repays you
for all that you did to us!
Happy is he who shall seize your children
and dash them against the rock.  [++link]

12:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Speaking of Star Trek, sad news: Walter "Matt" Jefferies, the art director who designed the original Enterprise, has died. Geeks will note that the access tunnels between decks were referred to on the show as "Jeffries tubes". Hail and farewell.  [++link]

11:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"It's kind of a 'Star Trek' convention, but without all the geeks." Dude, you may want to watch your tone...  [++link]

10:48 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

So it turns out that "super-size" is just another euphemism for "cultural imperialism". Resistance is futile (urp).   [++link]

Monday, July 21, 2003

2:52 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

This is one of those rare situations where a headline calls for a pronunciation guide.   [++link]

2:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

No, that's not Hunter S. Thompson.  [++link]

12:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

We really like tha moon.  [++link]

12:03 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

My newest hobby: Thanking Buddha (and Anyone Else Who Will Listen) that I am not in fucking Monrovia right now.   [++link]

11:54 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I just wanna know, am I the only one thinking "urinal pucks" every time this term comes up?   [++link]

9:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I agree it's positively fabulous, but it's really not a look for every day.  [++link]

9:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The news is a little too good this week: Beating off and eating pizza are cancer prophylaxes. If we get the news that doing bong hits and watching SpongeBob prevents cancer, we'll know we've been had.  [++link]

Sunday, July 20, 2003

12:34 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Ladies and gentlemen (and whoever else out there is reading this), presenting the most horrific, worthless, annoying animated character ever conceived. This thing makes Towelie look like a fucking Thundercat. And oh yes, he's your tax dollars at work. Where's Jesse Helms and his Velvet Elvis Art Brigade when you really need him?   [++link]

9:53 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

The Bush Unit (v. 3.2) replenishes its most quickly expended resource. And it's not oil money...that's #2.   [++link]

Friday, July 18, 2003

5:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Okay. We have a "graffiti artiste" whose skills wouldn't get him an entry-level job as a graphic designer, so he bites a bunch of Basquiat and Warhol tics and the sophisticates of London poop cash all over him. His latest exhibtion features cows (live ones, so he's not totally biting Damien Hirst), and the animal rights activists are Johnny on the Spot with their bike locks and clueless demands. It's like a contest to see who can be more boring and derivative. The cows are coming in third place for who's more full of shit.  [++link]

1:37 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

New thing punished more severely than murder: file sharing. A single file can get you a FEDERAL felony conviction. As a bonus the RIAA is crowing that there's been a 15% reduction in file sharing since they announced their big enforcement push; said announcement just happened to coincide with the end of the collegiate academic year when most students lose their pro bono broadband. Prolly just a coincidence.   [++link]

10:44 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Mmmmm...tentacles.  [++link]

10:33 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Bad for you always: The Clean Plate Award. Oh, and eating like a prize winning sow just cuz it's supersized, cheap, and within reach of your uncontrollable mandibles.   [++link]

10:30 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

If you've ever wanted to see a real-life open air performance of a Ludlum novel, early indications are promising.   [++link]

Thursday, July 17, 2003

11:19 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Somewhere Hans Blix is wondering what drugs he was on last Spring and where he could get some more: "If I take the pink pill, I'll think I was looking for WMDs in Costa Rica...that'd be cool!!"  [++link]

11:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Good for you this week: WANKING THROUGH YOUR TWENTIES LIKE A CHIMP. This will not be widely reported, I'm sure, because of the inevitable debate as to whether this is hard science or soft.   [++link]

11:07 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oh, how nice! The recession has actually been over for a year and a half, and we've been recovering ever since! Great! I'm going to convene a panel and have them decide that I've had health insurance and vacation benefits for the past year.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

7:39 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Fox News Channel, bastion of restrained sober journalism, has picked up the Hunting for Bambi Story and run with it. Now I really, really, really, really hope this is a fake. Let's see Fox "No-Spin" this. "Women, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em...'til now." Great line, dude. You are sellin' it.   [++link]

4:29 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

October 10 can't come soon enough. Then again neither can whatever the date for "Kill Bill 2: the Final Half".   [++link]

1:47 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

OK, I'm probably not the first to say this and I certainly won't be the last but...SCAM ALERT!!! This little bit of made-for-local-nitwit-news drama is such obvious and ham-fisted fiction that the Las Vegas news boob who fell for it should be ashamed. You just know she was drooling like a Newife in direct sunlight when this custom-built "exclusive" landed in her lap. If I'm wrong, I'll take a paintball square in the nuts.   [++link]

11:38 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I know, I know, what's lamer than linking to Lileks (since you all read him two hours before you amble over here to see if I updated today). But he broke my heart anew with a brief paragraph on the lost and largely unmourned Chilito.  [++link]

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

5:57 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It measures about 10 inches in length and is housed in a rubbery membrane that moves forward on a thin layer of slime.
  [++link]

5:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I just got asked if I had any interest in seeing Puppetry of the Penis next week. I was unable to answer at the time, since I work in a cubicle bounded on all sides by women. For the record: I would rather go to the extended version of the Vagina Monologues at Bryn Mawr on rag night wearing a "Battered Women Suck" t-shirt and a speedo three sizes too small.  [++link]

5:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Complete waste of time. Don't click that. I warned you.   [++link]

12:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Anybody need a campaign poster?  [++link]

12:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

They have a sad little chat room romance, and decide to do the dumb thing and meet "IRL". He gets off his flight from Detroit to bloody Manchester, and they get their first look at each other: He looks like a sanded-down version of The Thing from the Fantastic Four, and she's fucking 12. Do they: (a) Slowly turn around and mentally erase all traces of any interaction they have had in the past, or (b) disappear together, probably to France? I'll give you a hint: One answer wouldn't be national news...  [++link]

Monday, July 14, 2003

3:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not an Onion headline. Dear god, I hate it when the man gets all "folksy"...  [++link]

12:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

For all of us who get through bad days at work by fantasizing about living abroad, Expatica.com has updated its Amsterdam neighborhood guide.   [++link]

11:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Healing Begins: Rob Halford, who's got to look like Yoda's bitter, pasty little brother by now, has reportedly rejoined Judas Priest.   [++link]

11:38 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Look into those eyes and wonder, if you will, what is going through his mind. Oh, on many levels, he is thinking things you and I will never have to consider. But on the surface, he is thinking "If this picture winds up on the internet, I will never have a girlfriend ever..."  [++link]

Saturday, July 12, 2003

7:03 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I just want to know if this Congress is going to hold our Idiot-Manchild-in-Chief to the same reducto ad absurdum standard as we saw applied to his predecessor. Can we impeach him for lying to Congress?   [++link]

Friday, July 11, 2003

5:31 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is actually very interesting, if you can keep yourself from imagining the smell.  [++link]

11:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Efforts to create a more diverse schedule for car park fistfights and vomiting in the UK are finally showing a result.  [++link]

11:37 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You gonna eat those fries?  [++link]

Thursday, July 10, 2003

1:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Khotokhov is in fact Russian for "Cartman".  [++link]

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

8:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ladies and Gentlemen, the people have spoken, and they love sodomy.   [++link]

1:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I think Spike Lee still gets the prize for most pathetic and deluded legal attack on TNN. He's drawn some competition out of the woodwork, though.  [++link]

7:22 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Always wearing black, loner, good at drawing animae. Hmm. Mother and half-sister dead, little brother suffered cleft palette. Constantly teased, demeaned and harassed by fellow students, felt need to defend little brother from same and worse treatment. What could have caused this otherwise gentle and guileless boy to stage a killing spree? Oh, he played computer games you say?!? Well thank you Mr. Thompson, that clears up everything!!! The ability to makes these subtle connections and see the presence of your personal quest in any situation is what distinguishes the world's truly great self-aggrandizing, delusional yahoo from the run-of-the-mill pains-in-the-ass. Props to Slashdot.   [++link]

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

4:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Michael Savage seems to think he had gay listeners. Perhaps I'm being unfair; I'm sure some of his male fans used the show as spoken-word abuse/domination porn. Probably while driving. "Oh god, yes, Mr. Savage, I'm just a filthy pig! Ohhhhh!"  [++link]

4:30 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

How will we ever trust Britney again now that we know she's both a liar and fallen woman? I think she should totally come clean about her sexual experiences, preferably using video re-enactments. Not with Justin. Maybe with a zucchini...  [++link]

11:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The squareheads and the ice cream salesmen are having a full-scale tiff, apparently. I'm betting the whole rest of the continent is really enjoying this, in a nervous sort of way.  [++link]

12:29 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

This headline makes me wanna go to law school just so I can open a punk practice with a name like this. Almost.   [++link]

12:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Spike Lee's horrifically distended ego has survived worse than this. Shame. I recommend we start a baseless rumor that he and TNN cooked the whole thing up together.   [++link]

Monday, July 07, 2003

12:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Buddy Ebsen has died at 95, to the mixed sorrow and relief of bored Dead Pool admins the world over. It is instructive to contrast US obits with those in other English-speaking countries.  [++link]

Thursday, July 03, 2003

3:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Friday night in the latest addition to Amsterdam's notorious Red Light District: Meerkat Alley.

  [++link]

2:06 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I will be on the road again, running around Red Square this merry 4th. I will probably also spend the weekend chuckling about this. Keep yer code Yellow, you crazy kids.   [++link]

12:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Anyway, have a happy 4th of July. I'll be burning stuff and drinking juleps, and hope you will be doing someting similarly diverting.

I leave you with a lengthy piece by HH the Dalai Lama on the subject of free will.  [++link]

12:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

We're learning how to deal with the Iraqis in a culturally aware fashion, finally. Though as Salam Pax has said, we are total rubes as far as haggling over blood money goes.  [++link]

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

12:42 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, shocker, Eminem's mom doesn't look much like Kim Basinger. She looks a bit like Traci Lords' dumb, mean big sister...  [++link]

12:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi today assumed the EU council presidency for a six-month term. He set the tone by responding to a question alleging a conflict of interest between his political office and his monopoly over Italian media interests by suggesting that a German MEP (a Mr. Schulz) consider a film role as a Nazi concentration camp leader. Say what you will of the man, he may crack the previously impenetrable force fields of boredom surrounding coverage of the EU.  [++link]

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

2:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"Now, Hillary's stupidity is of a Monday's-homework-done-on-Friday-night, 1,400 on her SATs kind, but nonetheless stupid for all that." Who better to review Hillary Clinton's bio than P.J. O'Rourke?   [++link]

11:38 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Happy Canada Day! Have a Molsons and do some dorky crafts!  [++link]

11:32 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Look into the vast and inscrutable cosmic void, and ask your puny human question. You'll get your answer.  [++link]

11:19 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Scottish schoolchildren who worked as extras on the new Harry Potter film have been told they must forfeit their wages by their headmaster. No word as to whether the headmaster is a sallow, greasy-haired former death eater.  [++link]

10:20 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

...and I don't feel so good myself.   [++link]

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