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2:26 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
The world may be run by C-minus students, but the SuperGeek A-students get to write the curriculum. We rule. [++link]
2:22 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Now we really know why they hate it when he goes unscripted and off-message: God help us, he might propose something sensible. Unlikely though it is, it could just happen, in a one-million-simian-typists-with-Jolt-cola-and-no-deadline way. [++link]
2:13 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Oh yeah, that'll help our credibility: back the guy who's been on the CIA payroll for the last decade. If ever there was a time for us to recuse ourselves, this was it. [++link]
12:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Philosophical note: According to Freud (or Dr. Melfi, or the shrink on M*A*S*H, whomever), depression is rage turned inward. According to philosopher Paul Tillich, boredom is rage spread thin.
This makes me think that rage is a thing much like tequila, which you find seeping out of you and creating a greasy sheen on your skin. Should you have too much of it.
Rage and tequila also both mix a bit too well with Rolling Rock.
This is not to say I'm at work hungover. I'm just very, very bored.
[++link]
11:18 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Do not make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. [++link]
4:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Courtney Love appears in Superior Court to face a misdemeanor count of being under the influence of a controlled substance (Botox, apparently). [++link]
11:56 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
You're still depressed; I can tell.
Back in the 90s, the scene nickname for metal bands whose singers used that roaring, guttural, beer-burping style was "Cookie Monster bands". I thought that was really funny and let it go at that. The demented furverts in Cookie Mongoloid clearly thought that was waaaayyyy funnier than I did and have a lot more energy than I do. That's good enough for me. [link stolen from boingboing]
[++link]
11:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I'm just going to assume that everyone reading this is depressed to the point of using a handle of vodka for a desk paperweight. Well, the cure of that is John Stewart giving the commencement address at his Alma Mater in precisely the fashion we'd all love to. [++link]
11:32 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Brood X notes: If a cicada flies into you, it doesn't just bounce off and go buzzing away. Their reflex upon contact with anything is to land and wait for further orders.
So: If a cicada bumps into you, IT IS ON YOU SOMEWHERE until you get it off. It's best to deal with this immediately, as opposed to having the fucker come to the office with you.
[++link]
11:06 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Now, thanks to modern technology, you don't have to be under twelve to have squirming, cringing clownophobia. Eeeeuuuuuwwwww. [++link]
7:16 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
3:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Dutch architect Rem Koolhaas has done up a new Public Library for Seattle. It's way conceptual and all that, but it's also insanely cool not only for architecture geeks but book geeks as well. [++link]
11:57 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I cannot believe that I am excited about the new vibrating Gillette razor. I'm also all pumped about the Oral B vibrating flosser thing. Somewhere in my brain I am still about six years old and there's nothing cooler than stuff you put batteries in. [++link]
3:03 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Good for me for the next nine months this week: tuning out articles like this. As long as I'm not drinking Night Train in the handy two-liter bottle or downing crack cocaine like pop rocks, I figure there's little I can do at this stage to cause permanent damage to me or wee Bizzleburp (due in October, wish us luck). Mad props to my homegirl, aka Greg Kramer's Better Half, for showing me the light about the "What to Expect/What to Eat/What to Freak Out Over" whole-grain Prenatal Fascists. Now hand over the effing cookie dough and nobody gets hurt. [++link]
12:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Sorry, I keep assuming all of you read Wonkette, too. There was a big fooly cooly last week about some oversexed hill staffer's blog and Wonkette scooped the world and incidentally got her canned. Fired. Whatever. It was funny if you were there. Anyway, I thought I could count on the 'kette for a pic of the $400 tush, but she's let me down. [++link]
12:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The question on all our minds this week: Would you drop $400 to nail this woman in the tush? (Answer: The pictures don't show her tush. More data needed.) [++link]
11:08 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Moooommmmmmmyyyyyyy!!! The fish is talking to meeeeee!" [++link]
11:06 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Two reasons why, despite all other factors, this isn't keeping me awake at night: one, North Korea isn't sitting on great lakes of unexploited fossil fuels; two, even President Shrub isn't so dumb as to start a war on a third front while the other two are such clusterfucks. Isn't he? [++link]
10:55 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Please note for the record that nowhere in this story do they mention Las Vegas, bathtubs full of ice, or ominous messages written in lipstick on the mirror. This is even more unnerving than any urban legend. [++link]
3:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
It's pretty edgy using racist jokes on billboards to generate noise about your product. What squicks me about this is that I'm sure they anticipated the outcry/backlash/contrition cycle involved and decided that it was worth it. Ad people make a lot of money applying science to stupidity. [++link]
6:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
A new study of purebred dogs says among those closest to their wild wolf ancestors are the Siberian Husky, Chinese Shar-pei and African Basenji. Something to think about next time I'm dangling a cookie in front of Henry's greedy jaws. [++link]
11:56 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Ice-T may have made enough cash from his Law & Order gig that he can afford to start really goofing on his old persona. Good so far. [++link]
12:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
No matter how naturally dapper you may be, it's hard to get with the ladies when scientists are tweaking your look. [++link]
5:19 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Joke I found today, on this this odd blog:
“Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a moth!”
“You don’t need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist.”
“I know, but your light was on.”
[++link]
1:33 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Oh God. Oh no. Oh my Gaaaaahd noooooo. Please. Make it stop. Two of my favorite/worst on-line shopping highs have joined forces. Oh you bastards. No, don't stop. Ooooooooh. [++link]
1:16 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Epilogue: The karmic wheel prepares to come full circle. [++link]
11:56 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
"I can imagine what it's like to kill someone, I can imagine what it's like to cast spells or have superpowers. But imagining what it's like to be Canadian? No. You'd need experience for something like that." Ladies and Gentlemen, Sir Ian McKellen. [++link]
7:58 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
News flash: Fox Television is truly the great unfathomable, a drunken oracle of culture whose seemingly random undertakings and pronouncements will either make perfect sense with due time or be shown to be the random flailings of overcorrecting suits who fear for their lives and careers if a poorly performing show is permitted to stay on the air one ad-break too long. The galling absurdity for those of us who value quality TV is Fox's schizophrenia. They display great courage in approving oddball shows but cut them off at the knees unless the world instantly and overwhelmingly validates their forays into the offbeat. It would almost be better if they behaved more like other networks in the selection phase and didn't pick interesting shows to begin with. All of this is by way of celebrating a moment of inexplicable integrity and bemoaning a spasm of inscrutable steadfastness. Fox has apparently (according to the subscription-only Variety) renewed "Arrested Development," the screamingly funniest show on TV that no one's watching and also held onto "Tru Calling," a creatively barren, achingly awful, critically lambasted, and equally ignored dung pile (and I say this as a ga-ga acolyte of Eliza Dushku). What do these shows have that Firefly, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Greg the Bunny, The Tick, and Wonderfalls don't? Got me. Maybe they're both Wolfram and Hart clients or, in AD's case, maybe Ron Howard is more powerful than we can possibly conceive. In conclusion. Fox: run the damn season finale you wankers! You: watch the damn show on repeats on Fox and FX over the summer (what else do you have to do?!?) and recruit all your friends before the fall. Fail and you have no right to complain about what takes its place.
2:20 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The BBC has posted a review of Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 from Cannes. They sound pretty unimpressed with his various conspiracy theories. They do not go so far as to call Moore a bloated fudgebag laughingstock with less political credibility than Alicia Silverstone, so I'll go ahead and say it. [++link]
11:23 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
"Stand on the right" is how we say "Take your fat ass and stupid children back to Indiana, you gawping imbecile" in our Nation's Capitol. The lack of signs in metro stations informing riders of this practice is apparently a "safety precaution", which is DC-speak for "righteously enforced inconvenience". This notion is based on official policy of not encouraging walking on metro escalators. The fact that metro escalators are set 20% slower than national standard is also a "safety precaution". [++link]
9:52 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
A London train driver called in a report of a man in "camouflage gear with a grenade launcher and taking aim". Armed officers arrived to find a didgeridoo player. [++link]
1:17 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
No, I did not fall off the planet. I have been enjoying a long-overdue vacation. My opinon of France has changed remarkably for the better (as happens when one has a steady supply of croissants and chocolate and baguettes on every corner). And Parisians of the world, I promise to stop calling the Arc de Triomphe "the Panzer Gate" when you develop a computer keyboard that doesn't put the "q" where the "a" should be and doesn't require use of the shift key to type a friggin' period. Stick to cooking and speedbumping Germany, and let the rest of us run the Internet. Merci beaucoup. [++link]
2:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
(No link, just a Brood X Update.) The sidewalks in my lush, green Arlington neighborhood are littered with cicadas in various states of maturation and disrepair. The birds seem to be killing them as a matter of principle rather than hunger. My next door neighbors with the adorable redheaded toddler just put up a white picket fence last week, which is functioning as Brood X Ground Zero for the block, probably owing to all the recent soil disturbance. The fence slats are festooned with hundreds of nymph husks; our neighbor lady is collecting them in sealed containers. I have not asked why; we're all just getting into character for the Summer Blockbuster sci-fi horror bug invasion movie we're all going to be starring in. [++link]
1:04 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
(No links, just a bit of ideological housekeeping) My official positions on the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal are as follows:
1. I've checked around, and there's nothing in the Uniform Code of Military Justice or the Geneva Convention that details circumstances in which it is permissible to cornhole detainees with flashlights.
2. Therefore, if ordered by a superior to cornhole a detainee with a flashlight, a soldier is not obligated to comply.
3. If you are willing to have your picture taken while sexually humiliating others, you had career options other than the military, no matter how ugly you are.
4. If you are bone fucking stupid enough to pose for digital pictures while committing obvious and atrocious crimes barefaced and in uniform, and are furthermore stupid enough to claim to be "just following orders", nothing that comes out of your mouth should be considered proof of anything.
5. This hasn't turned me against the war. Think of me what you will.
[++link]
3:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Bedfellow Watch: Unbalanced glory hound Ralph Nader has won the endorsement of the Reform Party. You will remember them as the folks who got Pat Buchanan on the ballot in Florida last election. (I'm going to spend election night in the backyard with a roaring fire and a bottle of Jack Daniels. You are welcome to join me, but you'd better bring your own booze.) [++link]
12:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Drink coffee all day. Science commands it. [++link]
11:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Some people get the mopes and go surfing for shoes or rescue dogs. For me, it's Amsterdam hotel reviews. [++link]
8:28 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
My fave writer, highbrow pervert Martin Amis, has a new book out, sort of. For those of you who couldn't trudge through Yellow Dog, no worries, this one has lots of pictures. [++link]
1:29 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
So, Britney Spears grinding her ass off in a rubber catsuit is just not good enough for you, eh, Norway? Maybe you should stick with wholesome, homegrown entertainers, like A-Ha and Gorgoroth? [++link]
12:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Saw my first mature Brood X cicada this morning. I dutifully clubbed the fucker to death, but we all know that there's nothing to do but wait and complain. At least I didn't have anything big planned for June. [++link]
2:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
ARRRRRR!!! SHE-HULK BACKHAND SMASH!!! [++link]
11:05 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Saw first of the Brood X exoskeletons on the sidewalk this morning. Fetch me my whiffle bat, mother, it has begun... [++link]
11:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The New Blogger: Does it suck, or am I just not in the mood for more random changes? More as the day progresses... [++link]
11:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Predictably, since Madonna decided to have a snit about the occasional merry band of woolly-jumper types' right to roam within eyeballing distance of her country estate, the path has been trodden by every journalist in the UK. If that was the plan, good work. [++link]
10:47 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
At least once a month I feel compelled to point out that I love Achewood because I am Roast Beef. [++link]
6:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Office Smiles: Your official guide, including the "Go-Away" smile and the Grin Crocodilian. [++link]
12:06 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Let's see: Madonna. Not a good enough actress to pass muster on a porn shoot. Not a good enough singer to open for Wm. Hung. But apparently too good to have beardies cut through her Rhode Island-sized back yard. [++link]
8:42 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Queer Eye UK drops tonight. Let's all send screechy letters to Bravo begging them to air this while the US show is in reruns. [++link]
5:34 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Timely article from the BBC, drawing on info from the the Stanford experiment, in which normal volunteers were assigned to role-play as prisoners and guards. Conclusion: "About a third of the guards were hostile, arbitrary, and inventive in their forms of prisoner humiliation. These guards appeared to thoroughly enjoy the power they wielded, yet none of our preliminary personality tests were able to predict this behaviour."
[++link]
5:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Actually, it might very well be gay amateur military fetish porn. Fucking hell. [++link]
12:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Shocking: It turns out that Disney is actually a multinational corporation and more interested in protecting their bottom line than providing a bully pulpit for bloated egomaniac Michael Moore. [++link]
11:37 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Interesting spin on "just following orders" defense: Wife of one of the soldiers being punished for pissing all over the Geneva convention (and Iraqi POWs) is claiming that not only was the abuse sanctioned by command, but so were the wacky photos.
Ooooookay. So, not only were soldiers ordered to break international law, their superiors ordered them to (a) document the torture and humiliation and (b) make sure they looked like they were enjoying themselves. Oh, and (c) pass the pix around like fucking baseball cards until the media gets hold of them. That's Occam's Razor hard at work.
[++link]
10:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I didn't get to Coachella, and neither did you. So we didn't see the Pixies, and that is the worst shit ever. Let's go down to the basement and throw empties against the wall until we feel like we can get some sleep. [++link]
3:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The Shining, in 30 seconds, with bunnies. It beats the crap out of that droning garbage remake they keep showing on the Sci-Fi channel. [++link]
2:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Interesting article attempting to explain the 17-year life cycle of the imminent Brood X. It involves math and prime numbers and summer temperature fluctuations since the last ice age. It's a bit more reassuring than the God Hates DC theory, but sadly less convincing. [++link]
8:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
No, it's not gay amateur military fetish porn. Would that it were. (updated: Sorry, I should point out that this link is probably NOT SAFE FOR WORK, unlike all the other amateur gay military fetish porn-like stuff you look at in your cube.) [++link]
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