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Tuesday, December 30, 2003

5:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Weirdly touching Johnny Cash tribute. You won't believe me at first, but that's okay. [link swiped from the b3ta newsletter, which you should subscribe to anyway.]  [++link]

12:54 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You don't have to know all the details of an alliance to know that simply no good can come of it. If Lyndon Larouche and the Raelians were working together on something, anything, there would be reason for concern. This thing with Michael Jackson and the Nation of Islam makes no sense at all on the surface: the two camps have a single, very tenuous point of commonality, that being that Michael was a black man before he went all post-human. Beyond that, you have two wildly disparate delusionary ideologies based on a disturbing, infantile worldview. The only people who stand to eventually profit from this synergy are the tabloids and Paul McCartney, who may be able to buy back all his songs in the aftermath.  [++link]

11:49 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Rescuers from the British International Search and Rescue Dogs (BIRD) found the body of Gavin Sexton, 36, buried in the rubble of Bam, Iran. Sexton was the sole British casualty of the quake, which may have claimed over 50,000 lives. Annie the rescue dog will have to wait for her hero's welcome because of UK animal quarantine regulations, which require her to be kennelled for six months upon return.   [++link]

11:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Hong Kong cinema geeks all mourn today: Heroic Trio star Anita Mui has died from cervical cancer. She was 40.   [++link]

Monday, December 29, 2003

4:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Things You Have to be English to Appreciate (At All), #1: Christmas Panto.  [++link]

1:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Production still from the Michael Bay remake of Eraserhead, coming this summer.  [++link]

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

11:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Have an Enormously Merry Yule, y'all. You wanna give me a present, spread the new URL around a bit.   [++link]

10:29 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Addendum to the Peter Jackson interview post (scroll down): anybody else catch the moving scrape on Frodo's face as he climbed Mount Doom? Left, right, left. Amusing, but not so distracting that I didn't cry like Nancy Kerrigan maced during the "Grey Havens" scene.   [++link]

10:20 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

From now on, I ain't eating nothing that I can't figure out how I could sew back on to the critter and give it a 50-50 chance at recovery. Even then, no promises.  [++link]

10:06 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Much respect to the sisters for fighting fire with fire.   [++link]

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

4:24 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Merry Fucking Christmas, part 2.   [++link]

4:22 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Merry Fucking Christmas, kid.   [++link]

1:51 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Our Yule traditions bite the big one. I say we rock it in the Icelandic style next year, with marauding ogres, child-eating cats, and 13 days of stealing food.  [++link]

11:37 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

John Milius, who wrote the original script for Apocalypse Now (with the happy ending), as well as Magnum Force and Conan the Barbarian, has had a bit of a gap in his output lately. Though he did appear in spirit as Walter "STFU Donny" Sobchak in the The Big Lebowski, and he got a big shout out from the 4th Infantry recently.   [++link]

Monday, December 22, 2003

5:51 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A pair of lawyers, one French and one Jordanian, are petitioning the State Department to allow them to visit Saddam in his "undisclosed location" so they can ensure he is treated humanely, and so they can pitch their services. I would have imagined you'd need to drop a diving bell into the Marianas trench to find that level of bottom feeder.  [++link]

5:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Fixed the archives and the permalinks. If there's anything else screwed up on the page, do let me know.  [++link]

1:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A few nights back, Al Gore's tubby, unphotogenic son got pulled over by Montgomery County police for rolling in his caddy with the no headlights and the sunroof open. The explanation should surprise no one. Turns out he's his father's son in at least one respect. [Link c/o Jay "Mr. Bad" Buckley. What the fuck, kufr?]  [++link]

Sunday, December 21, 2003

10:09 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

New cast for the Surreal Life has been announced. Taking the countdown-to-meltdown Corey Feldman role is Vanilla Ice. I bet he has his big freakout when he finds out that The Ronster has nailed all the chicks including Tammy Faye.   [++link]

10:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I was not, in fact, dreaming of an Orange Xmas.   [++link]

Friday, December 19, 2003

11:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I always feel a bit greasy posting about the Olsen Twins, because the referrer logs are just unreadable for weeks afterwards. Sadly, I need the extra hits.   [++link]

8:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I've updated the leftbar links (damn, I sound like I'm emailing my boss), since this is now essentially a stand-alone page, for better of worse. I might have just woke up feeling fussy, actually. Anyway, there's new stuff. Do check out Allah's Blog, the random DC Bloggers links, the DC Metro Blog Map, and the latest EF-sanctioned web comic, Acid Keg.  [++link]

Thursday, December 18, 2003

11:59 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Justice? Cellmates.   [++link]

2:03 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

It's a major award! It even says "Fra-gee-le"; must be Italian. Price tag's a little high but I think I know what KUW is getting NEXT xmas. For now, Will, enjoy the Destructor in all her white trash, lawyer-fellating glory.   [++link]

1:46 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Peter Jackson seemed pretty game for this interview, though he proves himself to be a filthy liar. I knew I saw the damn car in the field, you fucking HACK!  [++link]

12:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You never know who that 72 black-eyed virgins line is going to work on. [Snitched from Allah's blog. What the Hell, kufr?]  [++link]

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

5:28 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Cue "The Diamond Song" by Rasputina...   [++link]

1:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The French are taking a powerful stand against militant Islam by bullying schoolgirls.  [++link]

11:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My dad was just telling me about this woman's book yesterday, and since I control the universe with the merest thought, this article jumped into my lap this morning. I think I'm in love, just imagining the two of us fussing over favorite disposable pens and discussing what disaster a US translation of her book would inevitably be...  [++link]

11:29 AM ++ posted by Maggie ++

So much odd news today. The Good Doctor broke his leg, not out shooting his guns in the woods as you might expect, but slipping in the bathroom. And Madonna is handing out political endorsements.  [++link]

9:20 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Super-excellent David Lynch sort of random security-cam image, courtesy of Metro.  [++link]

12:21 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Do me a favor, just hit this link a few dozen times. Don't ask why. It's not like I'm doing a pledge drive.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

1:52 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Too....absurd....head....imploding....snarkage!  [++link]

1:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Anthony Stewart Head playing not one but two pirates, and where? London. There'll be some ARRRRRRRRing amongst my female friends over this, to be certain.  [++link]

8:33 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This comic is my life. That's always a bit worrying, but particularly so in this case.  [++link]

Monday, December 15, 2003

5:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, come on: You saw the photo, and you didn't think AHA, we've nailed Saddam. You thought (a) Walt Whitman did what? (b) AHA! They've found Karl Marx! (c) Happy the Wino did what? (d) My freshman year physics TA did what?

The truth, people. Just tell me.  [++link]

2:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm guessing that Ozzy's main action item in life right now is Do Not Outlive Sharon. Explains why a man who can barely walk to the fridge without injuring himself got on a frickin' quad bike.   [++link]

2:35 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, not how I would have celebrated the capture of Saddam, but who am I to criticize.   [++link]

2:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's sweeps week at the Milosevic trial. (Christ, isn't that trial dragging? I bet everyone involved is praying that Slobo tries to off himself. I bet they leave sharp objects, bottles of sleeping tablets, and pre-tied nooses lying around his cell with little "hint hint!" post-its.)  [++link]

Sunday, December 14, 2003

7:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Normally when we all blog the same story, I pick the best one and cut the rest (since I am God, Mister Policeman). Today I'm leaving them all up and counting it as entirely excusable gloating.

And actually, we've never had three posts on the same story on the same day. There must have been other news today, but I don't much care.  [++link]

2:30 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

The One Ring has demonstrated its awesome power upon the hand of its master, capturing the wizard, Saddam the Pungent. Funny, I thought Sauron would look different without the helmet; seemed taller too.   [++link]

10:10 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, dumb question, but...now what?   [++link]

9:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

What's his name, the piece of shit with the chemical weapons (anyone catch the story last week about the Iraqi commander who took credit for leaking the 45-minute warning story to MI6? Apparently that wasn't just Tony making up porkies. Anyone?), right SADDAM fuckin' HUSSEIN AL fuckin' TIKRITI just got hauled in by the fine folks of the 4th infantry. He looks like a wino they rousted from behind the Tenley MiniMart. I can't recall the last time I had a drink at 9:30 am, but I'm ready to pop the champagne.

Merry Xmas to the people of Iraq. Once we're done giving him a physical, you can have the fucker for as long as you want.   [++link]

Saturday, December 13, 2003

4:38 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I would dearly love to introduce these two, but I'm afraid the entire WWW would burn down.   [++link]

4:23 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I'm so glad they captioned the photo of Sir Mick and his gene pool (two posts down). His father? Jesus, I thought it was Gollum.
And Keith's probably not getting knighted because they're afraid the sight of him would give PM Blair and HRM Lizzie more heart troubles.   [++link]

Friday, December 12, 2003

8:30 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Some bunch of fucking clowns called in "a series of bomb threats" that shut down the metro in DC this morning and this afternoon (among other things). This has all the earmarks of a prank, which sends me into little reveries about appropriate penalties for such behavior during wartime in the Capitol. I can think of a few really choice places downtown to set up some pillories...   [++link]

4:48 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Mick Jagger has been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Badass rock'n'roll boy that he is, he showed up wearing sneakers. No mention as to whether they had old-guy velcro closures.  [++link]

8:49 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Go and read Boy on a Stick and Slither. It kicks the shit out of cartoons about cats.  [++link]

8:35 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Brothers and Sisters, the time has come to descend on the city of Los Angeles and stab everyone who has the word "development" attached to their job title. I was going to wait until they greenlighted "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride: The Movie", but this shit has prompted me to move up our timetable.  [++link]

3:19 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

On wit' da BODY COUNT!   [++link]

Thursday, December 11, 2003

7:33 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Fire up the skillet, and pour that refill, Marge! The "oldest recorded cat died at 36 years old, and was fed eggs, bacon, and coffee." 36 is like 252 in cat years. I wonder if the cat smoked and guzzled bourbon as well. OK, I really am grasping at straws.   [++link]

4:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

If you live in Oregon and have a satiric first novel name like Tyler Frisbee, all you can do is run with it. No one's going to believe you aren't a tie-dyed idealist no matter how many kittens you stomp.  [++link]

4:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Michael Crichton on the need to reclaim environmentalism from fundamentalism. Read it, it makes sense in context. No dinosaurs, sorry.   [++link]

3:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A Michigan grad student has found the largest known prime number. It is more than 2 million digits larger than the previous largest known prime number. It is just plain churlish of me to give in to the compulsion to point out that it was probably easier than finding himself a girlfriend.  [++link]

1:03 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Me & Beef are on a wavelength just now.   [++link]

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

12:00 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Respect.   [++link]

11:58 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

NO respect.   [++link]

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

4:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Today's mythical creature is: The Wendigo.  [++link]

4:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has come up with a standardized list of 162 icons for dashboard idiot lights. The eventual goal is to eliminate all text from dashboard displays. The stated reason for this is consistency between US and foreign markets, but I suspect the real reason can be traced to the fact that NHTSA thinks all drivers are subliterate stupid stupid mongo feebs. This is an uncharitable attitude, but seriously, if you work in auto safety for more than six months, you will never trust in the basic intelligence of your fellow man again.  [++link]

Monday, December 08, 2003

10:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Your moment of disturbing holiday zen. (Don't miss this dude's Achewood Rabbit Ambulance.)  [++link]

9:39 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Yes, dear friends, it is possible to be too thankful. Methinks the pilgrims would've roasted Goodie Jones at the stake for even conceiving of this concoction.  [++link]

4:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

John Allen Muhammad's team missed a big chance. If they'd had any real interest in getting him off, they could have probably mounted a successful defense, which I will call the "That kid was plenty fucked up when I met him" defense. Speaking as one of the millions of people worldwide who've seen The Matrix too many times and have failed to commit mass murder, that boy ain't right.  [++link]

Saturday, December 06, 2003

1:41 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Yea, the Ineffable Tao has decided I've been in timeout long enough. My computer has at last been resurrected. Fortunately, the POP and smell of smoke emanating from the CPU was just the sound of one fuse crapping. It cost me nothing but a six-pack of beer and a bottle of nice dry red something to the electrician and the office Alpha Geek (respectively) who fixed my baby up. My speakers, alas, are the newest entry in the Ave Atque Vale file, so I can't hear weebl (which is half the fun). Can't bitch too much, though (I cried because I had no subwoofer, till I met a man who had no CD drive).

Now go boost our hit count. Here, look at an even scarier version of Michael Jackson and tell me he doesn't deserve to have this widely publicized.   [++link]

1:27 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I went bowling with Marines today (don't ask). Just try not to get a perky little tune like "Take the Jar-heads bowling, take them bowling!" stuck in your head when that happens. You are likely, however, to get appreciative snarks when the Staff Sargeant gets a spare and you bellow at him, "Dammit man, you NEVER leave a pin behind!"  [++link]

Friday, December 05, 2003

9:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I take a month-long hiatus and miss two new Weebl's (fishing and vibro egg) and the Jump to the Big Time. I miss anything else? Was Pam Anderson going door-to-door offering gropes? I want to write Jonti's authorized biography. I will call it "Hot Piss & Greasy Poop: Hnnnghhahhhunnngghhrrrhhhnnnggg PAHHHHHHH".  [++link]

4:20 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Admin Note: As you can see, the blog has moved. This has a lot to do with a number of events. Yes, a number of them. Anyway, same charming content, same thoughtful contributors, new ugly banner ad. This shit will sort itself out; in the meantime please spread the word to whomever you can think of who'd care. I can't put up a redirect on the old page, and I don't want folks thinking I've taken another month off.

Also, hit this page as often as you can. Google is still fixated on the old page, so we need hits hits hits like a kindergarten class on pixy stix.  [++link]

1:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I hate me some teenagers, since I'm old and easily bothered by noise and dumbass. That said, I try to give slack where I can, since I figure I'd last about five minutes in High School these days.   [++link]

1:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Today's Primer is: Kilts as Fashion! I always wondered what the best tartan choice was for a non-Scotsman, but I was afraid of getting head-butted if I asked.  [++link]

Thursday, December 04, 2003

10:23 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Stupidest...gadget...ever.. No wonder the world hates us.   [++link]

4:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oh! The Humanity!  [++link]

3:15 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP Your fifteen minutes are up. Please vacate the premises immediately. WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP REPEAT: Your fifteen minutes are up. Your complimentary copy of Sit Down and Shut The Fuck Up will be waiting for you at the door.   [++link]

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

4:01 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Those Londoners are sooooo derivative.  [++link]

3:38 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I could have saved myself uncountable ages of skull-battering, teeth-grinding, excruciating conversations -- and might have had a much better time in high school -- if I had taken this approach. But how could I have replaced the entertainment value in the days before cable TV?   [++link]

12:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The poster boy for "Dude! What the fuck is wrong with German people?" is getting his trial. I bet prosecutors just love it when criminals videotape themselves.  [++link]

9:33 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There's an established convention of using toilets and piss in modern art, starting with Duchamp and rolling all the way up to Piss Christ. How do you make a fresh statement, artistically, with a toilet? Well, you take it out of the stuffy gallery and you bring it to the people.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

10:25 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Yes, but is it car-mountable? Or perhaps Segway-mountable?  [++link]

Monday, December 01, 2003

10:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There's a guy whom I suppose works near my office who owns a Segway. I see him on it all the time, poised stock still on the corner, chatting on his cell phone. Every once in a while, someone engages him in conversation, I assume about his scooter. Idiot.

One of these days I will no doubt forget my meds, and I will walk up to him, grab his handlebars and pitch him onto the sidewalk, and shout, "For pity's sake, you sad fuckbog, get a puppy if you need a conversation starter!" Nobody is fooled by conversation starters, but generally puppies are a better idea than tech toys or convertibles.

Seriously. A snappy cellphone or such may get attention, but all it says is "I am spendy; make me buy you cocktails." If you want to send that message, you can get a beautiful purebred puppy and as an added bonus it will pretty much automatically love you. There is the possibility that this will make you a better person as well as make people want to talk to you on the street.

So don't get a Segway. There's nothing you can do on it that doesn't make you look like an idiot. Maybe once they evolve into vicious killing machines they'll have some style.   [++link]

6:19 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I used to know a few of the letter codes on diplomatic plates (one picks this crap up living in the DC burbs), but I forget stuff. Luckily, there are others who keep track of such things. An invaluable resource if you are trying to start a paper trail for having diplomats declared persona non grata, or if you just want to be able to yell appropriate slurs in traffic.   [++link]

12:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It being December 1, your Kindly Uncle William is officially back in the house. As you will recall, I gave up blogging and webcomix for the month of November for purposes of writing a novel for National Novel Writing Month. The actual results of this were: (1) four weeks of constant twitching from blog withdrawal, (2) a lot of strange Achewood-related dreams, (3) a 500-word intro and no other actual writing, and (4) a towering sense of personal disgust.

Don't ask why; it just didn't work out. Lesson learned: No more grandiose public pronouncements or weird vegan privations, I'm just going to working writing into my daily routine, along with the blog and all my other odd compulsions. My goal is to have a first draft ready in time for March.

Glad to be back. Anyone needs, me, I'll be in my room catching up on Something Positive.  [++link]

8:39 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There are many who feel that Amsterdam is swinging its pendulum a bit too far in the conservative direction. Most of the bitching is coming from non-residents and other folks who don't have to contend with drunk, stoned, wank-encrusted tourists as they go about their day.  [++link]

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