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Monday, December 31, 2001

1:57 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

To all my Readers, Contributors, and Partisans of Fun, I offer my thanks and gratitude for your support of this here Weblog and the rest of the Enormous Fun media congestive. I hereby resolve to provide new and joyous pathways to IrrelevEntertainment for you all in the year to come. To the year of our lord 2001, and all its attendant riches and glories: Good Fucking Riddance.   [++link]

Sunday, December 30, 2001

9:12 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

From the "things that are so weird and cool no one dreamed they might exist" collection: dirty limericks by Ethan Coen! Also, Nerve Magazine, which rocks.   [++link]

Saturday, December 29, 2001

10:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Harry Potter creator Joanne Rowling just got married, which is nice. I had no idea she was only 35. If anyone needs me I'll be wandering across the highway in dark, non-reflective clothing.   [++link]

10:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My honored ancestor Capt. Will Judy is famously quoted as saying that He Who Kicks a Dog Kicks His Own Soul Towards Hell. He'd likely have had a strong opinion regarding the afterlife options of a man who would drop a kitten into traffic.  [++link]

10:08 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Favorite rock star interview of 2001: Butthole Surfer Supremo Gibby Haynes. Includes the only sentence relating to Kid Rock that I've ever enjoyed: "Bob Ritchie is an evil, racist, misogynist, drug addict, alcoholic, right-wing deer hunter that puts scotch tape over kittens’ eyes."   [++link]

9:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Guardian columnist Julie Burchill, who thrives on negative attention in a way that Ann Coulter can only dream of, throws a huge curve with a loving year-ender on Kylie Minogue.   [++link]

Thursday, December 27, 2001

5:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

December has been ooooooh the zoo babies are sooooooo effin' cute month. I am sure I am ruining everyone's digestion and opinion of me with this nonsense, so this is the last one.   [++link]

5:17 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

You'll notice that no brand name has been mentioned, and endorsement deal offers have NOT been pouring in. I guess "Air Dumbshit" isn't as catchy.   [++link]

4:55 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Oh, cut him some slack, he was fasting for a month. Ugly is as ugly does.   [++link]

Monday, December 24, 2001

5:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

In bullfighting, on rare occasions a spectator will leap into the ring with a makeshift cape and sword and attempt to fight the bull. These idiots are called Espontaneos (spontaneous ones), and they usually get tackled before the bull can scrog them. I have a suspicion that air terrorism may begin to attract a similar form of demented fan. This huge, muppet-like goon, for example.   [++link]

5:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Zoo Baby Update: Old picture of polar bear cub. Don't click on that link, I'm warning you. It's so cute that you'll involuntarily make pooky noises and act like a total schween.   [++link]

Sunday, December 23, 2001

10:54 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Reality TV is boring. You get a mob of dipshits together and they proceed to behave in the most craven, bullying, lugubrious, and/or meatheaded fashion possible for an entire season. Ho hum. The only way to save the genre is to either force the "contestants" into either blood combat or on-camera sex. Actually, the French appear to have found an interesting angle. Sounds deadly dull on the surface, but I am betting on this leading to reality TV's first on-camera homicide.   [++link]

10:55 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Photoshop freaks at the army's 4th PsyOps division are re-visioning the leaflets they are dropping on the remaining Tallies and Alqis. It's very tight and modern; minimum copy, familiar images repurposed in a pastiche, sort of a McLuhanesqe photo-cartoon. As in any ad campaign designed to create a "buzz", the copy is oblique, leaving the layered images to create the message in the viewer's consciousness. The message? We are going to kill all of you. (link copped from Rebecca's Pocket.)  [++link]

Saturday, December 22, 2001

2:09 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This Week In Art: Brit painter Lucian Freud's portrait of Queen Elizabeth II is predictably controversial, since it looks like the Queen, is not childishly gimmicky and self-referential, and does not involve animals or poo. Turner prize judges must instead gaze longingly across the channel at the edgy street art of Cho.  [++link]

10:06 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Word is, the DC police force is going to halve their budget by making officers wear fruitcakes strapped to their torsos.   [++link]

10:02 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Don't forget your coffee - it's good for you this week.   [++link]

Friday, December 21, 2001

11:17 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

One of the things I love about the Internet is Livejournal. Unlike chats or BBS's or listservs, the format allows you, the reader, to pick and choose which folks you want to pay attention to. And because the methods of filtration are pretty efficient (you can search for LJers and individual journal entries by topic of interest, and also see who the people you like have on their Friend lists), it is very easy to avoid the morons and find, awash in the flotsam-loaded sea of illiterate teeny-boppers, gems like this freak.

He has a kid, too. I kind of wish I were his kid.  [++link]

11:14 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm a Stalker Squirrel. Gonna get you when you least expect it.

But you all knew that. Anyway, I'm gonna wrap some presents, have a wash, then I'm going to see Lord of the Rings on the gigantor widescreen at the Uptown. Then I'm going to a Xmas party at Kabi's, where I will get hammered. Thus no posts from me til tomorrow.

So to all our weekday visitors, have an Enormously Fun 'n' Merry Xmas and thanks for making this year suck that much less.   [++link]

10:56 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

OK, I promise never to post anything like this in here again, but those who know and love me will UNDERSTAND.

Take the "What kind of Squirrel am I Test!"

Thursday, December 20, 2001

3:02 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

It's all true, man. Where is the justice?  [++link]

11:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Got $200 and a burning desire to look like the biggest idiot on the big hill this winter? Porsche makes a sled.  [++link]

12:08 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The LaughLab project has unveiled it's first results. Get ready: Guys are, apparently, stupid.   [++link]

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

9:34 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.  [++link]

8:32 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Grinch Files II: Somebody please tell me how these guys are so smart they can wreak wormy havoc all over the place, but they can't spell for shit. I'm just wondering.   [++link]

8:03 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

For your Grinch Files: Not long ago, I posted something about people destined for a special place in Hell right next to the guy who shot Bambi's mother. Scoot over guys, it's gonna get crowded.   [++link]

6:00 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I am such a total geek. Yes, I went to Tuesday's Midnight Mass at the multiplex to see my beloved Sir Ian in action. This is what separates the fan-men from the fan-boys. Only one cloak among the entire crowd, though, and not a pointy hat in sight. I guess that's what they get for having the premiere on a school night.
Still...the movie kicks ass, Gandalf rocks, Liv Tyler is inconsequential, and I am surprised to find myself drawn to someone with a name like Viggo.
That Wood fellow is a cutie, too. Damn, throw me in jail. Technically he's not jailbait but don't tell me he doesn't look it.   [++link]

5:33 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Can't you just see it? "He's not pining for the fjords, he's bleeding demised. This is an ex-burbot!"  [++link]

5:25 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

After last week's South Park, with its rip on people who blame their missing loved ones on ethnic carjackers, I got such a boot out of this story. Forget Clubs, alarms, Lo-Jack, and all that. From now on, I'm gonna keep a pig in the backseat.  [++link]

5:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Hey, bass player. Look at the bass player. Look at that smile, there's sadness in that smile. Look at that chord structure, there's sadness in that chord structure. Look at him flail like the wailin' wall with nothin' but stubby fingers and a dumb look on his face. He don't know it but he's balding...spiritually. But everybody hates the bass player. No one invites the bass player to the party after the show.  [++link]

1:48 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My Chinese name is Zhan Wangling. My Japanese name is Uiruru Jude. My Indian name is Sicker Than You. My brain is not responding to coffee. Help.  [++link]

11:42 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

BBC News collects 2001's top new & overused terms. Note that among them is weblog.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 18, 2001

2:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Mumia Abu Jamal is off death row. I'm still waiting to hear his version of what happened that night, and who in fact shot a Philly cop dead, but that's more likely to happen if he's alive.  [++link]

12:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Brit Columnist comes up with 52 things that are better in the US. I will provide the subtitle: "I cannot fucking believe they don't have this stuff in the UK..." (No busboys? No supermarket baggers? No eraser-tip pencils? No newspaper boxes? What the fuck are you people, Hobbits?)  [++link]

10:22 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Tom Cruise thinks they love him in Australia because that's were his kids live, with their mom. Whom he divorced, probably over his refusal to give up his joke pseudo-religion. It confirms everything I believe about Tom that he was married to Nicole Kidman for years and doesn't realize that (a) she was a child star in Oz and is far more beloved there than he is, (b) Oz isn't Los Angeles and people there might think you are a butthole if you come smirking around to visit your abandoned kids with the new girlfriend in tow, acting like everyone loves you. (Note: Vanilla Sky mini-spoiler in last paragraph.)   [++link]

10:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Zoo Baby Frenzy continues: The new baby hippo is also very, very cute. The new baby panda will probably be cute once it gets past the featureless pink blob phase.   [++link]

Monday, December 17, 2001

4:34 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

I'm a bit jumpy today.  [++link]

3:20 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Big Country frontman Stuart Adamson, missing for several weeks as noted below, has been found in Hawaii, dead in an apparent suicide. Find that bottle of single malt and praise his memory.  [++link]

11:43 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And now you are all asking yourselves, "Is the baby elephant, um, cute or something?" Well, the pictures are pretty devastatingly cute. There's also a WebCam if you want to check and see if he's gotten cuter.   [++link]

11:01 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ever wonder what's in it for the folks who believe in flat earth and masonic conspiracies? If you're paranoid, it's much more pleasant, I suspect, to be paranoid about quaint historical stuff with a heavy fantasy element than it is to read the Sunday Post and see how the CIA scapegoated a top LSD mind-control researcher.   [++link]

11:00 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, the deal is that the nonbelievers must be converted to the one true faith and then all will be well. Irony and the Southern Baptist Convention are two things you're never going to see photographed together.  [++link]

10:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The new baby elephant at the National Zoo has been named after a legendary Sri Lankan... um... Elephant. Off topic slightly, they make a really good stout in Sri Lanka, if you can get it.   [++link]

Friday, December 14, 2001

5:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

These guys might very well be a hoax dreamed up by a bunch of people who are annoyed by the Strokes being hailed as the second coming of whatever, when in fact they are a crap band of preening art-preppies.   [++link]

3:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

News for Everyone: Kurt Cobain was a gifted idiot. His lyrics were crap, his pretentions enormous, and his weakness pathetic. Nirvana was still a great band, but that doesn't mean you should elevate to sacrilege or obscenity the sort of mean, grasping, litigious scumbaggery Kurt's widow has been getting up to.   [++link]

12:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, the flying reindeer aspect of the Santa story apparently comes from drinking reindeer urine, a practice the origin of which goes glaringly unaddressed. Perhaps we are supposed to infer from the name "Laplander".  [++link]

Thursday, December 13, 2001

5:10 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Or perhaps you're still stuck on crazy eBay auctions. (Read carefully; don't make the same mistake they all did.)  [++link]

5:08 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Wanna talk about wacky celebs?  [++link]

11:33 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Vegetarian and animal lover Alicia Silverstone sports the Hungover Wal-Mart Biker Chick look in pleather for PETA.   [++link]

11:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Which Amsterdam neighborhood is right for you?   [++link]

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

8:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I've long had a notion that I should learn to play backgammon, since I am too stupid to ever get good at chess and I will need something to do in the nursing home. Wish me luck.  [++link]

7:48 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

My God, it's another niche market! I particularly like the "No Genitalia" clause.   [++link]

7:36 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

To borrow a phrasing from our Kindly Uncle William...
While you've been busy hoarding Cipro, buying Bayer stock by the truckload and microwaving your mail, the Administration has been hard at work defending you from a much more prevalent microbial problem which more realistically presents a threat to your health. Oh, wait, no they haven't.  [++link]

7:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I generally approve of research with a practical goal in mind, but I fear that this is one more incremental step toward making males irrelevant.   [++link]

11:52 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Time in the desert is wigging out our fighting marines.  [++link]

11:16 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Things You May Not Know: There's a bunch of other stuff on this site besides the Blog. There are fortnightly extended rants, useful travel tips, musings about coffee, and new Maggie this week.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

10:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Slobo is still trying to have a Manson trial. No one's having any of it. I don't think he realizes what an afterthought he is now, nor do I think he realizes that his present unimportance means that there will be no outcry whatsoever should his judges simply play rock-paper-scissors to decide how many thousands of life sentences he gets to serve consecutively.   [++link]

9:56 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not much on the blog earlier today. Sorry. You read an article on guys raping babies as a cure for AIDS before your second cup of coffee and you find yourself needing to take a day off from the Web.   [++link]

5:46 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

He said he'd be back.
Really, man, it's okay, you don't have to come back. Go away, I promise I'll miss you.   [++link]

5:31 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Taliban Update: I must have read a dozen pop-psych and/or wing-nut babbling explanations for how a middle-class American kid can turn into a grimy, delusional 21st century Crusader. Everybody from his parents to Alex Haley to "the liberal elite" are somehow responsible, depending on whom you ask. I think the answer to all our "What the Fuck?!?!?!?!?"s can be found buried in the last paragraph.

I figured it was brain chemisty all along, but I didn't know how much outside help he might have had. "Poor fellow," indeed.   [++link]

5:10 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

This idiot must have been out of town when Gary Hart was running for president...  [++link]

11:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Much better article on what Eddie Izzard's been up to recently.   [++link]

Monday, December 10, 2001

5:03 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

It's been a day of sick relationship stories out of Pennsylvania. (tip of the pen to my old grad school buddy JoAnn on that last one!)  [++link]

3:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Warmly intended advice for first-year English majors, past and present.   [++link]

12:57 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

I was given a toaster for Christmas. A bright and lovely thing with Toast Logic™ technology. I'm really eager to start making me some toast.  [++link]

12:41 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Pirates?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!  [++link]

12:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The dude behind My New Fighting Technique is Unstoppable and Get Your War On has a... oh god, my chest is exploding... has a... I can't stand it... has... a... book coming out.  [++link]

11:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Art History & Criticism 101 Final: Marcel Duchamp was a genius. This guy is a butthole. Explain why, using swear words and found objects.   [++link]

Sunday, December 09, 2001

3:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Kai liebt Julia; aber Julia glaubt Kai nicht. To prove his love, Kai has sworn to remain pure until his tribute site to Towering Love-Valkrie Julia gets 111,111,111 hits. Come on all you romantics, do a good deed for an obsessed German 19-year-old.   [++link]

2:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Terrorist Sleeper DOs and DON'Ts: DO listen to music, just like the infidel. DON'T wear new clothes, as they attract attention. DON'T wear sissy perfume, wear manly cologne. DO wear your filthy foreign timepiece on your left wrist. (They probably don't need to specify that you should wear said watch on your non-dominant hand, since I imagine being left-handed is still a major taboo in al-quaeda's feeder cultures.)  [++link]

1:56 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It has been a week of mysterious discoveries in the art world.  [++link]

1:50 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Stuart Adamson, lead singer of Big Country, has gone missing for the second time in two years. Readers in the southeastern US please report any suspicious or unusual Scotsmen to your local authorities. My dear friend Eva is no doubt frantic.  [++link]

Friday, December 07, 2001

10:43 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Last one for the "Duh" file tonight, promise. But this is such an authoritative "duh."  [++link]

10:31 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

They call this news, ladies and gentlemen. I call it more fodder for the "Duh" file.  [++link]

10:28 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Was it Osama? Was it Osama? Damn, no such luck.  [++link]

7:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Eddie Izzard's working again. No, not touring, but he's on stage.  [++link]

5:09 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Our favorite Cocktail Nation artiste is expanding his horizons.  [++link]

5:01 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Ooh, and here's something for Joan.  [++link]

3:36 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

More gifts for Will.  [++link]

3:25 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Shower your favorite web editor in Christmas gifts.  [++link]

3:14 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Use it wisely, soldier.  [++link]

2:32 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Coffee Update: Coffee slows down bloodflow to the brain. In unrelated news, Starbucks opens it's first branch in genocidal milk-drinker Adolf Hitler's hometown.   [++link]

12:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I have had this precise train of thought, in private.   [++link]

10:21 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Move your mouse over the dancepad and make that monkey dance. Dance, Primate! Do My Bidding!  [++link]

12:09 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Robert DeNiro has purchased a flat in London. In a refurbished jam factory in Southwark. Imagine it being news that you bought a condo, and then imagine that it is news that will double property values.  [++link]

Thursday, December 06, 2001

4:05 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

I've been offered an advanced degree. No, not an honorary degree from the alma mater; this is wa-a-ay better:

U N I V E R S I T Y   D I P L O M A S

Obtain a prosperous future, money earning (sic) power,
and the admiration of all.

Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience. No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.

See, if I'd known it was only going to earn me the admiration of some, I wouldn't have wasted all that time and money on a degree from an accredited university.   [++link]

11:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Cooperative nutjob stopped outside of White House, directs Secret Service to nearby arsenal. Is it me, or are the voices directing the insane to go to 1600 Pennsylvania not putting in a lot of effort lately?  [++link]

11:00 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Scheming Luxembourgian Bastards!  [++link]

10:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My Life as a (d)Orc.  [++link]

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

9:06 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, for the record: He isn't cryogenically frozen anywhere (and neither was his head) and he wasn't anti-semitic. But if you still want to hate his guts, join the crowd. Happy 100th Birthday, Walt.   [++link]

3:20 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

When I contemplate how to recuperate from a nervous breakdown, a trip to Kosovo is not on the top of my list. It's a Sign From Above, darlin', fire your agent NOW.   [++link]

2:54 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

The situation on the ground in Afghanistan is so chaotic, we can't tell how many civilian casualties might be out there. And yet... Damn, they almost had me.   [++link]

1:06 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Strom Thurmond's babysitter has gone in his stead. (Shatner voice) How many more? How? Many?  [++link]

12:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The largest prime number yet discovered has been announced. Yes, I know it isn't a new videogaming system or a fucking scooter or Pam Anderson's next syndicated series. Sorry.  [++link]

12:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Have we had one of these gags on the blog yet? I don't think we have. How remiss of me.  [++link]

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

4:13 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Again the grave rejects Strom Thurmond.  [++link]

11:46 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Create a new bureaucracy, and they will immediately set about justifying their budget by issuing content-free announcements and meaningless press releases. The Office of Homeland Security might wish to reconsider this sort of thing.  [++link]

10:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

How to succeed in life through childhood autistic-spectrum disorders. (Actually, how to be fucked up and misunderstood and make your way somehow, then have some dolt writing a thesis "theorize" that your great achievments are owed to your being a misanthropic trainspotter.)  [++link]

Monday, December 03, 2001

4:58 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Behold! It doesn't get much cheesier than this.  [++link]

4:42 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A psychopath who is on the male wing of a secure mental hospital today began a legal battle to be allowed to dress as a woman. Ooooh, someone's on the prowl for a husband or 20...  [++link]

1:41 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

You can't tell me these bozos had nothing better to do with their time. Ever read your own party platform about the over-reaching feds and the authority of local government, you anthrax-snorting personality cultists?   [++link]

1:33 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Like, bummer, man.   [++link]

1:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Today's Reminder: Never read anything in the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists if you don't want that hollow burning feeling in your guts for the rest of the day.   [++link]

1:27 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Now here's a PR problem we didn't expect.   [++link]

1:23 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, what I said two posts down about special places in Hell? Move over, Bambi's-mom-shooter, you've got more company coming.   [++link]

11:31 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not going to see too many kids lining up outside of Borders for the Latin translation of Harry Potter.   [++link]

11:19 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, "Ginger" turns out to be just another nitwit "alternate city transport" idea. Yep, that will replace the car, you hippy. Oh, but wait, it goes up a ramp? How does it do with rainy days, potholes, slush, taking home work from the office, or getting clipped by a taxi? Why the fuck, the fuck do you suppose only delivery boys drive mopeds? We don't want light, efficient vehicles to drive around the city in, we want Patton tanks. Have you ever been in a city?  [++link]

Saturday, December 01, 2001

11:03 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

As my dear mother would say, "there's a special place in Hell for people like that, right next to the guy who shot Bambi's mother."   [++link]

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