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6:01 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Oh, hell yes to this. If you're basically 11 years old and find yourself spectating at construction sites when you should be hurrying to work, this is your vacation. [Link snitched from Weird Curves, thank you very much.] [++link]
5:57 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
UMASS is easily the most conservative school in the Pioneer Valley five-college consortium, although this is akin to being the coldest spot on the sun. Basically what this means is that there are beefy jocks in the student body to make the guys who run the Daily Collegian feel inadequate and unmanly. There's not much excuse for being uncontrollably pissy about that sort of thing by the time you hit grad school age, however. [++link]
5:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Future Arrival Watch 2: No usable laser cannons, but we're working on Atreides shields. [++link]
11:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The BBC is responding to recent criticism by upping its spinach content and curbing the stuff that people actually watch. Good strategy. [++link]
11:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Future Arrival Watch: Still no personal jetpacks, but we may soon have benevolent traffic Daleks. [++link]
4:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I feel particularly guilty when I check the stats and see that I've gotten the usual number of hits on a day when I've posted one measly entry. Since that means most of my hits are from people checking back to see if I've gotten out of bed yet. [++link]
2:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
That took a while. A dozen years after the introduction of the controversial Fentanyl lollipop, dumbass kids have discovered their "potential for abuse". I assume they've been too busy with other plentifully available street drugs to take an interest in some wussy lollipop. [++link]
4:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The baseball cap as we know it is 50 years old. I don't care about sports and I look stupid in a ball cap (huge skull, long face), so I have nearly as shitty an attitude about them as the BBC does. (Helpful hint: If you are traveling in the UK or EU, a ball cap marks you as a Yank tourist and/or a dirtball.) [++link]
12:47 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
For those of you, like me, who need a refresher guide for playoffs season. Not quite the comprehensive edition I was looking for, but it was the best Google could do... [++link]
12:41 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Proving once again that Americans do get irony: Dick "The Defibrillator" Cheney, who has never served in the armed forces, says that John "Purple Heart" Kerry is not fit to lead this nation in time of war. [++link]
9:48 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Johnny Rotten says he would pick Justin Timberlake to play him in a new film based on his autobiography, No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs. Before you let this freak you into a high dudgeon, tell me: In what way were the Pistols not a manufactured boy band? [++link]
4:57 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Why I steal links from Wonkette: Ali G vs. Anti-choice No-neck, yesterday on the Mall. [++link]
4:04 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Remember those Japanese hostages in Iraq? They're home now, finding out what happens when you defy social norms in ultramodern Nippon. We should offer them asylum. [++link]
3:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Bob the Angry Flower meets the Wendigo. (Next week, BtAF meets the Hodag.) [++link]
3:06 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I grew up drinking loads of Coca Cola red label like a good little fatass, and didn't give it up until the New Coke schism, which after my parents' divorce was the worst trauma of my childhood. (You think I'm joking.) As we all now know, the New Coke scam was a brilliant strategy for changing the formula so they could use cheaper high-fructose corn syrup instead of sugar and we'd be grateful to have something like the old taste back ("Classic Coke", fuck you buddy). If I'd been any more psychologically injured by the betrayal, I'd be one of those little black mask cocksuckers who goes to protests to trash McDonalds and Starbucks franchises.
I don't drink Coke anymore, unless I'm overseas where they still use proper sugar. I have dreams about that. And I have a visceral loathing of anything "Classic" and anything containing high-fructose corn syrup, which it turns out is killing us.
[++link]
10:32 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
For the record: he's still a murderous fucking scumbag, but now he's OUR murderous fucking scumbag. Yeah, that strategy works real well. Just ask the Shah, Idi Amin, Noriega, Saddam, et al.
[++link]
1:49 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Compare this person's story with Patrick Tillman's. Dulce et decorum est, my ass. [++link]
12:48 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
"It has to be said that most of Michael [Gambon]'s Olivier stories end with Olivier saying cunt." In case you were worried about the new Dumbledore being some sort of cupcake. [++link]
12:30 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Just a reminder: You owe most of your habits of speech to either the King James bible or to Shakespeare, regardless of whether you've ever read either. [++link]
11:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
"According to Army officials, Tillman wanted no special treatment, wanted no special attention, but wanted to be considered just one of the soldiers doing his duty for his country." Ave atque vale. [++link]
2:44 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Sir Ian McKellen will be appearing in the panto this year at London's Old Vic Theatre. "He has always wanted to play a Dame in pantomime," according to Kevin Spacey. [++link]
12:08 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
There is something gorgeously, perfectly German about public trash bins that are essentially robots that thank you for stuffing garbage in their mouths. [++link]
11:55 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
In case anyone is confused as to whether this is a liberal, conservative, or libertarian blog, here's the scorecard:
Things/persons I mock without reservation: Randall Terry, John Ashcroft, Ralph Nader, PETA, Anti-globalization protesters (except for my friend Michelle), the Swiss, Mel Gibson, emo kids, low-carb beer.
Things/persons I mock without much guilt: George W. Bush, John Kerry, Earth Day, France, smoking bans, Courtney Love, the EU.
Things/persons I support without reservation: HH the Dalai Lama, equal rights, the first amendment, Achewood, coffee, Guinness.
Things/persons I support without much guilt: The "war on terror", porn, the second amendment, the UK, gay marriage, reproductive freedoms, cigar and pipe smoking, Ted Nugent.
Draw your own conclusions, and take note that this is a group blog. I'm just the one with the most impulse to post.
[++link]
11:25 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Highlights (for me) of this WaPo article on the upcoming DC NARAL rally: 1) Randy Terry in the same breath slagging NARAL for associating with commies and fags and comparing NARAL to the Nazis, 2) Scott Fear rides again! [++link]
5:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
It apparently takes two guys to beat up Shane MacGowan, former Pogues frontman and current filthy, emaciated, Gollum-like wetbrain. I'd have thought a chihuahua with three legs could mop the floor with him. [++link]
3:40 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Speaking of Biblical themes in the modern arts: I am quite certain that if Saint John could have foreseen daytime television, this would have been Seal #8. [++link]
2:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The clamor for a sequel to the The Passion has begun. I'm hoping against hope for "Beyond Thunderdome" as part of the title. [++link]
3:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
All manner of little shits in filthy protest costume will descend on my fair city (no, not Arlington) this week to shout gibberish about how the World Bank and IMF have fucked up 3rd world countries. As if these places were previously edens of peace and prosperity, where all bellies were full and women's rights paramount. Underfed commie retards.
It's a free country and they have a right to come here and make a racket and play the Arrest Me, Pig, Oooh Not So Rough game. The same rights of free speech and assembly that allow them to close streets and shout coded anti-Jewish nonsense about international banking conspiracies give me the right to call them names for interfering with my commute and lunch hour. Remind me to wear a suit and tie to work and smoke a big cigar on my afternoon stroll.
[++link]
11:34 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I'd like to point out that Bono is a cunt's cunt, but this all this strident bullshit about "obscenity" is clearly just a fucking shakedown. The FCC knows it can't stop rough language on the airwaves, so it's decided to get with the repressive, corrupt tenor of the times and muscle in on the take. So they've raised the tax on saying Fuck to half a mil. Hey, what's the tab on calling that Powell kid a cocksucker? [++link]
4:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
In a development sure to utterly ruin any chances of the children of liberal parents getting new Playstations, the Pentagon has unveiled the latest in unmanned bomber aircraft. It's a bit dorky looking. I imagine it speaking in a Prof. Hawking sort of voice: "OPEN... WIDE... FOR... DADDY... O... SAMA..." [++link]
12:26 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
The Slavophone Ubergeekette strikes again! The joke here is that "Vnuk" is the Russian word for "grandson"; most people prefer to call this place "Sukin-sinovo" - "Sukin-sin" meaning "SonOfABitch!" Now that they've "renovated", maybe we can rename it Cartman International... [++link]
10:59 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
I guess asking K-Mart, Remington, or Smith & Wesson for sponsorship is out of the question... [++link]
10:53 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
9:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Why aren't you reading Achewood? What do I have to do to you people? [++link]
8:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
It seems like every day I get a new reason to be ashamed of having attended UMASS. Today I find out that the wussiest emo-meme I have ever encountered had its ground zero in the Daily Collegian. [++link]
11:32 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Historically, Washingtonian gossip has a half-life of one month, max, and nobody outside the Beltway could give a shit for any of it. I will be most interested to see how long homegirl here gets away with making a living off it. [++link]
8:05 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
5:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
There's no pleasing PETA. Recently they have singled out PETCO for abuse, on the grounds that no one should have pets. I am mystified as to the nature of PETA's proposed utopia. I assume we are ruled by a council of wise herbivores (Hindu village cows, or noble American Bison), and humans are allowed no property, privilege or practice that in any way impinges on the sanctity of pristine wildlife.
I would like to encourage PETA members to set up a model community according to these principles, preferably someplace in Alaska. I just want to see how many of you being eaten by bears it will take before you get some perspective.
[++link]
12:08 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
As regards eating cicadas: This is excusable only if you are (a) being forced to do so under threat of mayhem, or (b) riding a motorcycle with your helmet's faceplate up (fool). We are Americans, not the French, and should all be past the stage of eating things on a dare. [++link]
8:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I got over all that "I listen to X type of music, so I dress in this stupid fashion to show off my uniqueness to the unenlightened while conforming to the codes of my subculture, and like, WHUTever" nonsense a hell of a long time ago, as is fitting for a dude of my painfully advanced years. Mind you, the last time I was cutting-edge fashion was 1988, and even I don't feel like as much of a twat looking at old pictures as these dipshits will at my age. [++link]
5:35 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Message from Weird Al about his folks. Tributes can be sent to the Natural Resources Defense Council if you are so inclined. [++link]
10:37 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Polar bear gas mask porn. [++link]
6:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Remember Randy Terry, the pinch-faced monomaniac who used to run Operation Rescue? And is currently hard at work battling the "homosexual agenda"? His adopted son recently came out. Randy wants us to know that it's not his fault the kid's a fag (all the damage was done between birth and age 8), and that he loves him even though he has destroyed the family's privacy. Randy's not above a little tit-for-tat, though it must pain him to tell the world his kid is a lying sociopath (which isn't Randy's fault, either).
Message to you, Randy, since I know you kill your lunch hour blogtrolling: Lots of people have gay kids. The reason it's a big deal that you have a gay kid is that you're an irrational, ratchet-brained bigot who devotes his life to persecuting others over issues related to sexuality. That's probably not your fault either. There is no conspiracy against you. You've picked a fight with a large group of people who don't think (as you do) that they are sick and fucked up and damned to hell, and now you have to fight them. Still want to?
[++link]
5:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Purveyors of fashionable electronic dance music have found their perfect audience. [++link]
11:39 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
In case you'd forgotten that Bob Barr is an butthole and a hypocrite, he's taken it upon himself to remind us. [++link]
6:13 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++
3:52 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
(Ed. Note—I'm repeating this post because we're still only at #2. Get on board, blogrollers.)
A Google search on the word "Jew" currently brings up an anti-semitic site as the first result. This is the result of a negative Googlebombing campaign by various losers.
If you are one who doesn't play that shit, please get your positive Googlebomb on by linking to Wikipedia's definition of Jew. Again: By placing a link on your site (with the word "Jew" as the link) you can unleash the world-scorching power of the positive Googlebomb on the word "Jew".
[++link]
3:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
So, you're a Mac user, you like eggs, you want a pet, and you're allergic to cats and dogs. I've got your birthday present right here. [++link]
2:48 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
It's Link-and-Rant Time! Okay, let's review: we knew that Al-Qaeda had active cells on U.S. soil. We knew that Bin Laden was hijack-happy and wanted to strike on U.S. soil. Okay, so 2+2 doesn't necessarily equal 9-11, but for fuck's sake you'd think they'd take a somewhat more aggressive posture, like telling the FAA to crack down on people bringing sharp, pointy things onto airplanes or telling the FBI and INS to kick the known baddies out.
I have long been a proponent of the idea that nobody could have predicted the events of Sept. 11, 2001. I stand by that to this day. That doesn't mean that we couldn't have prevented it. And don't forget that the real bad guy is still somewhere out there.
[++link]
2:36 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Who's the most powerful black woman in American history? I shudder to think. [++link]
2:26 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
DC Tourism? F@*! DC Tourism. Quit your job, sell the stocks, and pack the car -- it's road trip time! The main attraction here? America's only museum exhibit of prison tattoo art. They hide their light under a bushel, my friends. [++link]
10:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
DC Tourism is on the upswing, after two years of post-9/11 doldrums. I realize that this is good news if you look at the big picture. [++link]
10:35 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Top two movies for Easter weekend? "Passion of the Christ" and "Hellboy". [++link]
10:08 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Weird Al Yankovic lost both his parents this weekend. Memorial information will be posted as events develop. (Official site here.) [++link]
3:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The Treasury Department has announced that it will be setting standards for "low-carb beer".
Take a deep breath, let it out, and remember that the whole "dry beer" thing disappeared all by itself, too.
[++link]
2:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
No link, just a question: Is Condoleeza Rice the most powerful black women in American history? If not, who am I forgetting? [++link]
3:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Ghetto Eyeballs: Because you are an immeasurably stupid cow. [++link]
11:53 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
I told it to run. I feel very dirty now. This is probably the most disturbing thing I've ever participated in via the internet. [link stolen from Boing Boing] [++link]
8:57 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Epilogue: sixty years later. [++link]
3:40 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Reasons I'm glad I am not dating anymore, number 64827... [++link]
12:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Good news for morbidly obese, pushy Japanophiles in the DC metro area. [++link]
10:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Americans spend billions of dollars every year on porn, which isn't generally expensive. A billion dollars worth of porn represents an incredible mass of magazines, books, VHS cassettes, DVDs, phone charges, hard drive space, and bandwidth. The bulk of the porn purchased in America is homegrown product, because we make the best porn in the world.
Americans like porn, because we are a vibrant, horny nation. John Ashcroft does not like porn, because he is a fishfaced Pentacostal cryptofascist. If you're looking for a reason to vote for Kerry and whatever useless tool he picks for VP, remember that if Bush goes, Ashcroft goes with him.
[++link]
5:55 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The first Easter I was aware of was first grade (I think) when it coincided with my birthday. I didn't learn any of the Jesus-related connections until it was too late to instill any sense of reverence, and the result is pretty much what you see here. Easter for me is always going to be black jellybeans, hollow chocolate bunnies, and a good reason to avoid boiled eggs.
On an oddly related note, Rick Wakeman is always going to be a grandiose fruit, but like Cadbury eggs, you have to love him.
[++link]
3:00 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Barcelona has banned bullfights. Copenhagen is set to bulldoze Christiana. Amsterdam is set to ban superskunk. A new, suckier Europe awaits us. [++link]
11:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
A Google search on the word "Jew" currently brings up an anti-semitic site as the first result. This is the result of a negative Googlebombing campaign by various losers.
If you are one who doesn't play that shit, please get your positive Googlebomb on by linking to Wikipedia's definition of Jew. Again: By placing a link on your site (with the word "Jew" as the link) you can unleash the world-scorching power of the positive Googlebomb on the word "Jew".
(updated, 3pm ET: We're at #3.)
[++link]
8:46 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Do not run, tasty children... [++link]
12:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The Osbournes live on, in apparent defiance of all the forces of natural selection. Cobain remains dead, sparing him the sight of his wife's pathetic antics and his contemporaries' unmourned fade-out. [++link]
9:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Amanda LePore: The Revenge. [++link]
1:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Pop Quiz time; subject is: What's an effective way to deal with homicidal theofascists? Is it (a) turn the government over to a bunch of socialist buffoons and loudly announce you'll pull your troops, or (b) corner the fuckers and wait until they blow themselves up? Pencils down. [++link]
3:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
The FBI and Department of Homeland Security have sent a "message of concern" to police agencies across the United States about an alleged plot against commercial transportation systems in major U.S. cities this summer. Official word from the aforementioned police agencies is that they all have televisions, thank you, and we're glad to see you're breaking in that new Magic 8-ball.
[++link]
3:09 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
That's what you get when you don't cringe and appease fast enough. Hope you've learned your lesson. [++link]
4:56 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++
Happy April. We have flying piggies for you. Why? Fuck you, that's why. [++link]
3:53 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
I don't know about y'all, but if I were related to one of those poor bastards in Fallujah, and some official characterized the dangling of my loved one's charred remains over a bridge as "an uptick in local engagements," I just might start reaching for my revolver. [++link]
3:36 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Okay, so it's not exactly blogjacking, but the URL makes me start looking at intellectual property law books... [++link]
3:19 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++
Almost almost almost worth coming home for. [++link]
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