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Sunday, June 30, 2002

8:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It was suggested to me that the supercute Japanese Brazil fan-chickies (see earlier entries) were on official business of some sort at the World Cup. I poo-poo'd the notion, but hmmm may have been wrong.  [++link]

1:07 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oh, it's sad. There was a day when you could make a frickin' fortune selling bb guns and daggers and plastic crap with ridiculous names. Simpler times. If you tried to start a company like Wham-O today, you'd last ten minutes before the "won't SOMEBODY think of the CHILDREN" crowd hounded you into nonexistence. Seriously, the reason kids these days are all huddled on the couch playing PS2 massacre games is that you fuckers won't let them do anything fun in the real world. If you set up a slip 'n' slide at a birthday party these days, you'd be up on charges before the hose got turned on.  [++link]

Friday, June 28, 2002

9:40 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Since I don't want to be all by myself burning in hell, how about all you closet pervs click on these here links: In which states are the Olsen twins now age-of-consent, and Natalie Portman throws fuel on your fantasy fires.   [++link]

9:13 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, at least no one called 911 this time. Maybe when Daddy is done with the big metal hoob-a-joob, he'll have a talk with them about the Japanese proverb (I'm paraphrasing here): If you're going to get in trouble, do it at least 20 miles from home.   [++link]

9:08 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Cheap shot #1: Personally, I'm just wondering whether they'll find his head up there.

Cheap shot #2: They'll be able to tell the difference when he's sedated?   [++link]

6:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I know the left-liberal media are in league with the terrorists, but I wish they'd be less blatant about signalling their masters to attack. "The infidels are helpless! Their Satanic Leader is face down on a table with a giant spycam up his booty! Strike now!" Subtle, guys, real subtle...  [++link]

1:30 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Are you working? Cut that silly shit out and download Tryptich. It's bouncy brainy drifty tetris crossed with bejeweled.   [++link]

11:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Umm, looks like a Photoshop 5 fake to me. Unless the kid's name is Sex Machine.  [++link]

Thursday, June 27, 2002

10:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Bad month for bass players. Back when I was a garage band prog-rock bass player, the big inspiration was 'sposed to be Chris Squire out of Yes, whom I considered a noodler and a lightweight. I was all about John Entwhistle from the Who. Ave atque vale, you fantastic thundering bastard.  [++link]

1:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Germans ask, Why does everyone hate us? And the answer is, because you don't know why we hate you. Squareheads...  [++link]

1:16 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

If Will's going to drop the T&A posts, I'll have to pick up the slack. Check out what Denver's talking about today, a distraction form the recent bad news, I suppose. To see the photo in question, scroll to the bottom of this eBay posting.  [++link]

12:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Sorry about all the cheap T&A from Yahoo. Here, read some Borges.  [++link]

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

2:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I did mention the Japanese Brazil Fangirls, right. OK, good.  [++link]

2:15 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, it's Brazil v Germany for the 2002 world cup. That's good for them since the world will be riveted to the game. The World minus Germany will be watching praying for Germany to get slaughtered. The Germans will be watching for obvious reasons. And all manner of otherwise disintersted parties will be watching for a glimpse of the Japanese Brazil Fangirls.  [++link]

10:56 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"Many guys don't change their underpants every day. It would be perfect to sell paper underpants at petrol stations," according to a spokeswoman from H&M. She's right about guys being filthy, but she's definitely lacking perspective on how willing we are to risk paper cuts.  [++link]

10:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I was under the impression for a while that Worldcom only existed to piss me off by providing crummy service and sending me huge bills at random. Apparently they had greater ambitions.  [++link]

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

9:32 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

There must be a little Vogon in each of us, that we feel compelled to celebrate truly awful writing.   [++link]

1:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

No one is happy when the Germans win. Except the Germans and the sort of dicks who bet on them. It's a little hard to decide which team it would be more fun to see them lose to next round... It would be sweet to see the Turks beat them, just to put a huge smirk on the faces of all the Gastarbeitern in Berlin. But oooooh, Brazil. If only to hear the fans in the stands shouting, "We are the terror possessed by hatred. We will invade Side B and take the Germans. We want blood. We want slaughter. We want bodies on the floor."  [++link]

12:33 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

R Kelly doesn't seem to understand that (a) he's not the victim here, and (b) he's going to go to jail, where he will get lots of hugs.   [++link]

Monday, June 24, 2002

10:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Poles, apparently, are the most knowledgeable about Europe out of 19 countries surveyed. They certainly know that those pesky Germans aren't easy to get rid of.  [++link]

2:40 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

My hits are a bit low lately, so here's a link to a pic of Anna Kournikova that you can whack off to. To which you can whack off. Whatever.  [++link]

12:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Lore needs a job. I'd consider it a personal favor if any of you in the Bay area or Sweden would throw the man a bone, since I will cry if the Brunching Shuttlecocks goes away. I'm still weeping over the loss of The Parking Lot is Full, recently replaced by Achewood on the links to your left.  [++link]

12:40 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Here's one for the Silver Lining file. Of many reasons, my foremost one for fearing a Dubya presidency was his record on the death penalty. But maybe his presence in the Oval Office has spurred a careful examination of existing policies.  [++link]

12:10 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm starting to "get" soccer, sorry, football in dribs and drabs. I think I have the offside rule down. My next big question is, if this is so motherfucking world-stoppingly important to everyone in the world (except us), why won't they let the refs use video replays to check their calls? I'm figuring this is another of those subtleties that us yanks are doomed to forever fail to appreciate...  [++link]

12:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The DC police have been under fire for years for their low percentage of Hispanic officers. Having apparently failed to recruit new cadets from the region's huge Latin population, they are now taking advantage of the shitty economic climate in Puerto Rico to cherry-pick experienced cops. Whatever works...  [++link]

Sunday, June 23, 2002

11:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Who do we just love to link to? Sorry, to whom to we just love to link? Either way, it's Heather Havrilesky and her latest paid gig.  [++link]

1:35 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"They used to collect children's bodies and put them in freezers for two, three or even six or seven months - God knows - till the smell gets so unbearable. Then, they arrange the mass funerals." Most disturbing thing I've ever read on the BBC site.   [++link]

Saturday, June 22, 2002

2:36 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Yes, he is wise, but it's a wisdom born of pain. Or nylon green hair. Meet Canada's most disgruntled sock.  [++link]

2:17 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I need a good laugh these days. So do you.   [++link]

Friday, June 21, 2002

5:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm only posting this because I swear I saw these posters, with these defacements, but I haven't been to NYC for well over a year. Someone in Manhattan want to tell me if they've seen my Tyler Durden alter-ego on the subway? Is he taller and thinner and more badass than me? How'd you know he was me?  [++link]

5:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

When come back, bring medication. Wanker.  [++link]

4:01 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Add Guinness to the Big in Japan list.   [++link]

Thursday, June 20, 2002

3:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"Son, I don't know how to tell you this, but you deserve to know: After I found I was pregnant, your daddy called me a lying, gold-digging whore in front of the international media." Yes, little Damian, that platinum asshole is your dad.   [++link]

3:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Say it with me. EEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!  [++link]

12:38 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I went to see the cathedral at Cologne, and the first thing I noticed was the graffiti covering the Roman artifacts outside. A teenager with chronically backed-up nuts and a spray can has no respect for anything, and anyone doing public art should be sternly warned of this ahead of time lest their chakras go all haywire when their creations get tagged. Of course, the majority of the Party Animals are fucking eyesores, and a couple of anarchy symbols at least add some humor to the proceedings.  [++link]

12:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Key quote regarding recent Supreme Court decision: "Presumably, dozens or perhaps hundreds of inmates will now argue that they are retarded, and that their sentences should be converted to life in prison." Okay, but how do you argue that you are retarded?  [++link]

12:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

TV Go Home is back, with their nuanced and lyrical World Cup Edition.  [++link]

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

9:53 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Right-thinking people everywhere rejoice! My faith in the human race is momentarily restored.   [++link]

9:25 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Those of us who grew up in the DC Metro area during the Reagan years are grinning with deja vu. Let's hope these guys reach a wider audience than the guys behind the old "Experts Agree: Meese is a Pig!" poster campaign.   [++link]

12:06 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A recently released study reveals that eating the Biggie/Supersize/Venti portions offered at fast food restaurants will make you a big fat fuck. These publicly funded studies are necesary because all of us are complete and utter morons.  [++link]

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

11:29 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

PWC CONSULTING
WILL BECOME MONDAY
WHEN WE SEPARATE
FROM PRICEWATERHOUSECOOPERS
FOR GREAT JUSTICE  [++link]

9:52 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I get a sense that our president makes a lot of calls to say, "I don't know shit about what you're doing, but keep it up, buddy!" I'm taking it on faith that there's a strategy behind this. Meanwhile, Team USA rules. Dude.  [++link]

12:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I did know that you can sell the most appalling claptrap to new agers if Native American trappings and sex are involved. Duh. I didn't know that 80s porn superstar Porsche Lynn is now a nationally ranked pistol marksman. That just rocks.  [++link]

Monday, June 17, 2002

6:16 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

One more thing you can blame on your parents. Can you demand a trust fund that pays out in Q-tips?   [++link]

2:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You've got to love UK lefties, if only for the relish with which they are able to criticize our leaders. [Note: "Ticked off" in UK English is a transitive verb, meaning something like "chewed out" or "dressed down" (as in, having someone go through a list of your mistakes, ticking them off one by one).]  [++link]

2:09 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Counterintuitive scientific finding of the week: Musicians have bigger brains.   [++link]

1:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The asking price for a PS2 is still too high for me, since I don't really "game" much (though I am able to use it as a verb comfortably) and a console of any sort would be an impulse purchase sort of thing. Though I wouldn't mind being able to sit in the Lay-Z-Boy and bend Britney to my will...  [++link]

12:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

We're invading the Netherlands! Well, we have bought an option on invading the Hague just in case they try to bring any US citizens up on war crimes charges before the big tribunal. You know, the one we've dragged Slobo in front of. The Dutch are a little put off by this, but fuck them, this is Our Planet and they can go play soccer and eat cheeses if they don't like it.  [++link]

Friday, June 14, 2002

11:20 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

When come back, Bring Pie. Wanker.  [++link]

9:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Tammy Faye Baker-Meissner-Fischer-Spooner-Bannana-Fanna-Fo-Fanna lives. Points to anyone who can track down her bunko artist ex-husband's recent exploits.   [++link]

Thursday, June 13, 2002

12:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Quien es mas loco? Mike Tyson... o Marilyn Manson?  [++link]

11:47 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"Most or a large portion of the [post-dirty bombing] decontamination effort is going to involve a soapy shower and a change of clothes," says the CSIS's Anderson, who recommends that if you think you are near a potential terrorist target, it may make sense to keep extra clothes, shoes, soap and shampoo on hand. (Maybe I'm hysterical, but this totally makes me think of those Herbal Essences shampoo commercials with the women having loud porno orgasms in the office...)  [++link]

12:13 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Matthew Engel loves America in his way, and I have a powerful suspicion that he lives on Connecticut Avenue, north of the Uptown, based on #24 and #25.   [++link]

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

10:11 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

I'll tell you what, Mr. President: I'll take up jogging when you take up reading (briefing papers and books with big colorful pictures don't count). If you agree to read anything Susan Faludi ever wrote, I'll do a 10K. Read the complete works of Cynthia Heimel and I'll run a friggin' marathon.   [++link]

1:47 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Yet more drivel about why Americans "don't get" fucking soccer. Oooh, yes, we're so stupid and unironic and don't have a violent, racist gang culture centered around a stupid game. We're big fat fucks who use helmets and pads for contact sports. Someday we'll join the brotherhood of man, and our "football" "supporters" will travel the world to drink gallons of cheap liquor and engage in vicious street wars with the rest of the enlightened. Suck my hickory-smoked, bar-b-q flavored, red white & blue star-spangled dick.  [++link]

1:01 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Hosted by Oswald from The Drew Carey Show, and the winners take home the Brewers Cup.  [++link]

12:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Koreans are apparently still bitched up that their cheating thug of a speed skater had to hand his medal to Japanese-American Apolo Ohno (scroll down a bit). Crybabies...  [++link]

12:25 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Bob the Angry Flower: Taking on the big, big issues.  [++link]

11:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

BMG has bought up the world's largest independent label, Zomba Music (no, no, not Zombo). This is only interesting because of BMG's corporate mission to buy out thriving innovators and fuck them to death at a glacial pace. The sooner the careers of Britney Spears and all those sissy bands are dragged out back and downsized, the sooner they will be doing celebrity boxing and porno.  [++link]

Tuesday, June 11, 2002

6:28 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

For some today, perhaps a sense of closure. For others, perhaps less so. (That latter link is a bit lengthy but worth it.)   [++link]

Monday, June 10, 2002

5:46 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Here's another bit of entertainment. Actually, too long to be considered a bit, and way too long to be a work distraction, but when you have a chunk of time to kill -- telnet to towel.blinkenlights.nl.


  [++link]

5:36 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

A small distraction to break up Monday's monotony.  [++link]

11:34 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Mick Jagger has been knighted, which means that he is now super-honor-bound to defend the Queen against bad guys. Why they didn't just knight the whole band, I don't know. It would make more sense. Then they could all defend the Queen. They could defend her against the White Stripes*** or something. I would pay to see that.

***While I understand that some of you, whose opinions on matters of culture I respect, do enjoy the White Stripes, I still maintain that they are one step removed from the Black Crowes. Yeah, I can rock out to them, too, but it makes me feel dirty.  [++link]

Saturday, June 08, 2002

12:28 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

This should be your first clue. But if that doesn't give you the answer you're looking for, try this.   [++link]

12:12 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Filling in for Our Kindly Uncle on the Mike Tyson beat: "I have no self-esteem but the biggest ego in the world," sayeth the pugilist. A fascinating character study for anyone inclined to give a rodent's posterior.
  [++link]

Friday, June 07, 2002

6:21 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Today, in the Cheap Shots file: I'm glad I'm not a Kennedy.   [++link]

6:17 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Circular reporting goes spherical. Must have been a slow news day in China.   [++link]

Thursday, June 06, 2002

11:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Sid Vicious taught himself to play bass using the first Ramones album. Lots of punks did. They couldn't manage recording it in true stereo, so they just split the instruments between channels, meaning if you turned the balance knob on your crappy stereo all the way left, all you heard was the bass and drums. Sid was a lousy bass player, and really, so was Dee Dee Ramone. But they had style. And now, it would seem that heroin has done them both in. Ave Atque Vale, you pinhead.   [++link]

11:31 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The blog seems a little on the bitter-ass scary side today. We're aware of this, and will do our best to lighten the fuck up. Meanwhile, build your own South Park character. Cockmaster.  [++link]

10:31 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

R. Kelly says "with all confidence" that it's not him in the video. R. Kelly says he's not a monster; he doesn't have sex with children. R. Kelly married Aaliyah when she was 15, but that doesn't count because it was annulled, I guess.   [++link]

9:21 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Brunching on Blogging. Funny, and Lore can talk shit because his infrequently updated blog rules.  [++link]

9:06 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

A Dutch court has ordered a 43-year-old confessed serial child molester to have removed from his chest a tattoo of the face of a boy he molested for two years. The tattoo is too large for laser treatment, and will therefore be removed by other means. I suggest a wire brush.   [++link]

8:56 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Amtrak's new commissioner is a pisser. Amtrak is fucked; it has less prestige than Greyhound. It's heartening to see the man in charge of our crumbling passenger rail system say out loud that things are a mess rather than scrambling and dissembling like a rodent.  [++link]

12:24 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Leslie Van Houten brutally stabbed a woman to death 30-odd years ago. She was 19 at the time, probably on acid, and all but definitely under the control of a psychotic cult leader. She's been a model prisoner, has jumped through every hoop, and has of course found Jesus. She's still been denied parole 13 times, and a judge recently pointed out that she's not serving life without parole, and the state consistently denying her parole based on the severity of her crime (as opposed to her subsequent rehabilitation) might well amount to a violation of her rights. So, there's actually a chance that Ms. Van Houten could be the first of the Manson killers to be released from prison.   [++link]

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

2:36 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Hey, Will, I had dinner at that very place in Brooklyn just this past Sunday. No fried desserts for me this time, though; I was good. The Chip Shop isn't way overpriced like where I used to go, and the folks there are much nicer.   [++link]

1:10 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

More World Cup News, as if you give a shit: See David Beckham Suck.  [++link]

12:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Oh, baby, we are so going to Brooklyn. Pass the Lard Bong.  [++link]

10:34 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And now, this week's horrifically offensive Webcomic, this time made by an Italian shut-in, well-versed in the traditions of commedia del arte and National Lampoon foto-funnies.  [++link]

10:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Players are apparently all pissy about the new hi-tech material balls being used in the world cup. Geez, don't start crying, you millionaire sissies...  [++link]

Tuesday, June 04, 2002

2:03 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Lest we forget, here is evidence that our 39th president was indeed caricatured during his term of office as a stylized peanut with a grotesquely toothy grin. By people who wanted him in the White House, no less.  [++link]

1:35 PM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

For all you fans of that fine British product, "Slug and Snail Death," I present Roach Doom. The disturbing fact that the insect's demise comes in the form of a giant axe in the back, dealt from a disembodied hand (maybe related to the creepy, disembodied "praying hands") is in no way mitigated by the illustrator's decision to dress the Doomed Roach up like a little mid-century salaryman. I am a tad perplexed by the added exhortation to purchase war bonds. I understand that it's not a complete non sequitur. Creating a mental association between wiping out America's enemies overseas and the act of ridding its pantries of vermin = veddy clevah. Still, I don't think I'm the only one who finds it confusing that they made the nasty bug who's getting his comeuppance look like an American guy and not a Nazi or something.  [++link]

1:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Brigitte Bardot has been throwing all sorts of shit at the Koreans in re: eating dogs, which she views as a savage custom. I am of several minds on this. I am viscerally horrified by the very thought of eating a dog. However, Korea gets to play the ancient cultural tradition card, and the French have no earthly right to give anyone any shit about bizarre and cruel culinary practices, since they torture geese, eat horses, and oh yeah, used to eat dogs.  [++link]

10:26 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's June, which means the Silly Season has officially begun. That's UK code for "All journalists will be drunk until mid-September." This means we can expect a raft of non-stories like this presented with reasonably straight faces. Two gin & tonics, please. Would you like anything?  [++link]

Monday, June 03, 2002

11:06 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Boy, the French are some fickle little bitches. One minute you're a golden boy, next minute everyone's asking uncomfortable questions about your unspeakable war record.   [++link]

7:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Kangaroos aren't farty. This apparently isn't the most useless piece of information you'll ever find here.  [++link]

2:14 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This is an actual Pat Buchanan column, I checked.   [++link]

2:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I dropped a post a couple of months ago bitching about how the cloning community was arsing around with housecats instead of bringing back the Tasmanian tiger. I apparently have Aussie readers. (The French, of course, are tres dismissive.)  [++link]

11:41 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I got the Klez-E worm on my machine last week and spent most of Sunday evening getting things clean and disinfected. Thank you very much, total stranger. I can on some level empathize with all sorts of fringey subcultures, because I can see the buttons being pushed by certain odd fetishes (adult babies, trainspotting, world cup soccer). I don't know what primal need is satisfied by fucking up thousands of strangers' computers.

So I can't empathize with virus writers. Though they do deserve our sympathy. If you really think that everyone on earth who isn't as /33t as you deserves their files wrecked for being so dumb, you probably learned about human nature from a drunk uncle with a hard-on.  [++link]

11:04 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Queen Elizabeth's Golden Jubilee festivities were launched with a 41-gun salute and national singalong of "All You Need Is Love". If I hear one more Briton say that we are blind to irony...  [++link]

Saturday, June 01, 2002

12:37 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And some Frog rapper spanking the monkey is supposed to be news?   [++link]

12:33 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, Amy Splitt, where have you been and what have you been up to?   [++link]

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