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Tuesday, April 30, 2002

2:18 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Best Day Ever!  [++link]

1:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Neal Pollack. A hack barely alive. We can rebuild him. We can make him... better than he was... Better. Stronger. Faster.   [++link]

10:44 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

No, I don't think that Louis Farrakhan should be muzzled. That goes against our principles as a nation. Am I pleased that the UK won't let him get off a plane because they consider themselves to be full up on racist demagogues? Perhaps I am.  [++link]

Monday, April 29, 2002

10:49 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Skull-munchingly painful (in a funny-ish sort of way) column from Larry Miller, who is too smart to be doing standup and not enough of a dick to be a pundit.   [++link]

7:46 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Give us this day our daily zen. Or hourly. Heck, give it to us up-to-the-minute, we're needy people here.   [++link]

7:37 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

And the winner, for most grotesquely ill-advisedly-named product of the year goes to...

Jesus, these guys either have no shame or have Satan on retainer. Maybe both. Who is your target market, people who think over-the-counter laxatives are tacky?   [++link]

5:07 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

So sorry, fellas. I'm sure you're disappointed, but hope does spring eternal.  [++link]

3:21 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

No excuse, really. Just none. But, in the event that you should need to send a long, swampy, ripper of off-the-scale density to a treasured pal, you now have a resource.  [++link]

1:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

When I am fitter/say the bells of Gary Glitter...  [++link]

12:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Marxist harridan Julie Burchill on staying in the best hotel in Paris and being a bloody tourist.   [++link]

9:59 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Pray that your pointy-haired boss doesn't read this article or one like it and conclude that you are a saboteur because you're tech savvy and have an MP3 player. Here's to digital cameras being banned in the workplace, causing massive disgruntlement among the design staff.  [++link]

Sunday, April 28, 2002

10:44 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Ave atque vale, madam. May your Valhalla be pink, perky, and realistically proportioned.   [++link]

Friday, April 26, 2002

1:04 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

"As a ninja, you obtain certain responsibilities such as kicking asses and looking cool and tough."  [++link]

10:49 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

You can play darts in a smoky pub with a bunch of chain-smoking no-hopers, or you can sit on your ass and play pub darts over the Internet with people who are listening to Slipknot and wanking to barnyard porn between rounds. The choice is now yours.  [++link]

10:21 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

EXTRA: Sanrio Toy Company is Front for Japanese Psy-Ops!!  [++link]

9:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes R.I.P. I hope that details don't reveal this to be another tragic death by entourage a la Aaliyah.  [++link]

9:17 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

Once something weird or ultra-dramatic happens in the news, it's only a matter of time before the event gets mulched for plot-fertilizer on Dazed of Our Lies or some other preposterous soap opera. But they've gotta be a little clever about it, at least one hopes they have the skill to do so. Like, OK, someone could be lost at sea, but hey, they never find the body! and this leaves a loophole allowing the missing person to Return From the Dead (ta daaah!), probably breaking up a wedding or somesuch. But then (dunt-dunt-DAHHH!!) ... the guy everyone thinks is good old John Black or Martin Guerre or whoever is revealed to be an impostor when the dead body they couldn't locate before turns up in one of these little darlings.

  [++link]

12:25 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Do you spend too much time playing video games? Maybe if it really hurt every time you fucked up you'd be able to drag yourself away more easily. That or you'd be found slashed to bits in your Lay-z-boy. (Try the non-Flash links if you don't read -- surprise, surprise -- German.)  [++link]

Thursday, April 25, 2002

1:37 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Ali G -- Fucking it up for everyone one more time.  [++link]

10:45 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Charles Manson just had his tenth parole hearing in 33 years, with the usual result. You won't see this one on Court TV, since he refused to attend (he didn't want to wear shackles). So it's back to solitary for another five years of eating prison food and throwing shit at the hacks. By then he'll be 72, and inmates don't live that long as a rule, so I imagine he'll be in hell.   [++link]

8:48 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

TV Go Home is back. I'm excited, and you should be too, if only to keep me from getting suspicious as you attempt to make your escape.  [++link]

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

3:08 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Get your Voltron.  [++link]

12:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Lead, follow, or dodge, pansies.  [++link]

11:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Idahoan dirtball will do 9 months for whack attack on the Liberty Bell. I'm not saying he shouldn't be punished for damaging public property, especially a national treasure, but I don't think this will function as a deterrent to other mentally unstable drifters. I sugest we go to the DoD and ask them to devise some reactive armor plating for the bell.   [++link]

12:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Rambling, enjoyable essay on Willy Nelson, Texas BBQ, Cyd Charisse, and Billy the Kid, courtesy of redoubtable Mr. Cockburn.  [++link]

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

7:44 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

So what do you say when you want to celebrate something like this?   [++link]

2:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Sean "I have many stupid names" Combs is apparently so afraid of clowns that his standard contract stipulates he will not perform with clowns in attendance. Damn, Fluffy, thanks for the kryptonite tip. We know who we're sending after your ass, greasepaint ninja-stylee...  [++link]

2:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The dog who is so angry he cannot move. He cannot eat. He cannot sleep. He can just barely growl. Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis.  [++link]

12:43 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Aspiring sitcom writers send "spec" scripts to potential employers to show that they have a grasp and can do funny. The problem is picking a show to write a script for, since all of them suck. Apparently if you live in L.A., this is newsworthy.  [++link]

11:31 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

The so-called, alleged "20th Hijacker" is going all Colin Ferguson on us. The question is, if convicted, will he try to appeal, saying "Clearly I was whacked out of my skull and incapable of putting forward an effective defense and y'all should have known better" and thus making the entire U.S. judiciary his bitch, or will he basically "commit suicide by cop" a la McVeigh? Must stock up on antiacids, now.   [++link]

11:30 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Latest notion from Homeland Security: Develop a "trusties" category for frequent flyers. Nice one. It'll be a bitch to administer and it won't contribute a thing to safety or security. I get a strong sense that the Homeland Security gig is going to be a lot like the Drug Czar: a whipping boy position handed out to some dim cryptofascist with every new administration.  [++link]

11:20 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, I'm not a guy but even I can tell you that topical vs injection should have been a no-brainer here.   [++link]

11:15 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Far be it from me to mock the Holy Father, but isn't he going to look foolish? I mean, this approach worked oh-so-well for Nancy Reagan.  [++link]

11:12 AM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Once again, Nature shows why she is a Mother and why we should love her.   [++link]

Monday, April 22, 2002

4:28 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Signs from this weekend's various protest marches in DC. No "John 3:16" or "The Guy Behind Me Can't See", but hey, these aren't pro wrestling fans, they're people of conscience committed to fighting injustice.   [++link]

4:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Um, there's a new biography of Benny Hill out. I don't know why I care, so I can't say why you should.  [++link]

4:03 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Not the shot for the cereal box, sadly.  [++link]

12:26 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The French would rather go out yelling in the streets than actually vote. Points to anyone who can provide me with a Latin translation of "The French are so overdue for an ass-kicking" so that I can have a delenda est Carthago signoff for these posts.  [++link]

12:02 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Yes, yes, point taken. Go back to school and get the fuck out of DC, you dirty little nuisances.   [++link]

Friday, April 19, 2002

11:29 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Stuff like this makes me wish I had a daughter so I could lock her up.   [++link]

11:23 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Blame the victim, blame the victim... nah, not nearly as catchy. Stick with Trey and Matt's version.   [++link]

11:17 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Taliban Update!!! Okay, bad header. I'm just trying to prove that no one has successfully cornered the market on religious chauvinsm and fundie wingnuttiness. Speaking as the descendant of America's first and foremost fundie wingnuts, I am totally offended by this bigoted cretin's remarks.   [++link]

12:41 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Roger the Ebert and 1000 film students in Colorado got together last week to discuss David Lynch's "Mulholland Drive" and couldn't arrive at any manner of consensus as to what the fucker is all about. If that doesn't mark MH as as Dave's greatest triumph, I don't know what does.   [++link]

12:23 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Good god, the effin' French and their lunatic pretension. I propose that the avant garde of French philosophy has decided that place itself beyond mockery by being too ridiculous to be mocked without employing mocking techniques currently banned in all civilized nations.  [++link]

11:58 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

And he'd have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling DAs.  [++link]

12:07 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Train wreck yesterday, five dead. No answers yet. The thing that will trouble my dreams tonight, though, is this bit:

The last major Auto Train accident occurred Feb. 24, 1978, near Florence, S.C., when 18 of 22 cars left the racks. Twenty-three passengers were treated for injuries, but there were no fatalities. The 1978 wreck marked the first Auto Train accident in which passengers were injured.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

3:54 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

David Lee Roth needs Botox.  [++link]

12:46 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I've been making this distinction for years, and no one listens. Here, have a cartoon, see if that doesn't help cement the notion for you.  [++link]

12:24 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Yes, that really is David Lee Roth. He just looks like Klaus Kinski risen from the grave.  [++link]

12:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

More (densely layered) signs of the apocalypse than you can shake a stick at.  [++link]

10:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's the apocalypse. Who knew that the destroyer would take the form of... Pollen? Oddly, it being the end of the world as we know it, I do in fact feel fine.   [++link]

10:25 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Finally, finally we get the 21st century sci-fi badass car. It doesn't fly, but it gets a godzillion mpg and looks totally Buck Rogers.   [++link]

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

2:05 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Funny, I heard the reason they broke up was because she found him in her bed with a she-male. Well, maybe that's why he couldn't get her to commit to marriage.  [++link]

1:58 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

There is no resepct for tradition anymore. What's a drive through Florida without getting pulled over by some tubby, sweat-drenched redneck who takes ten minutes to trundle his Jabba-like bulk down the shoulder to your window?  [++link]

1:53 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Won't someone think about the children? Eww, not like that.   [++link]

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

12:39 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

St. Mary's Catholic High School has banned knee socks as part of the school uniform, replacing them with full length tights. Apprently some of the little dears have taken to wearing thongs now that spring is here, and there have been complaints from the public. By "complaints" I assume they mean "Please, please make them stop, it just isn't fair..."  [++link]

12:31 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The producers of the Simpsons have apologized for portraying Brazil as a filthy, lewd, crime-ridden hell hole after complaints from that nation's leaders, who feared lost tourism revenues. I assume they will next bring pressure to bear on Terry Gilliam or the US State Department.  [++link]

12:22 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Here's a movie ("short film", whatever) you are never going to see. It exists, and has been seen by others, but you will never, ever see it. I don't even want to see it, truthfully, but I am heartened to know it exists as something other than a drunken wee-hours conversation among aspiring film-makers.   [++link]

12:12 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I have a suspicion that the FDA lets one by every once in a while to keep the species viable. Thin the herd, so to speak. You have to admit that people willing to attack their bodies with poisons rather than have wrinkles are probably not an asset to the gene pool.  [++link]

Monday, April 15, 2002

6:55 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Not to take too big a page from Dave Barry, but I think this would be great name for a rock band. Blame Canada.   [++link]

5:28 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

If you're wealthy but still fairly young, you work out, and you can make witty remarks, but you can't find a good woman, maybe it's because you think witty remarks are a suitable substitute for intelligence, substance, and compassion.

Or maybe you're just an idiot.  [++link]

Sunday, April 14, 2002

7:12 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

What drives young people to martyr themselves? Is it hopelessness? Is it poor economic prospects? Devotion to a higher cause? Or is it just gravity?   [++link]

Saturday, April 13, 2002

1:42 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Another illustrious Mount Holyoke individual gets a Pulitzer. Let's hope she doesn't have any 'Nam stories, ahem.   [++link]

1:33 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Well, at least one Balkan problem has solved itself. Remind me to weep into my pillow all night for this jackass.   [++link]

Friday, April 12, 2002

10:51 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Better now. Birthday mornings suck. Thank you to all well-wishers.

Where was I? Oh: Erin Go Bragh, what does that mean again? Right, it means "long live the status quo", you piggy-eyed muck savages.  [++link]

Thursday, April 11, 2002

6:25 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

The Honour of your Presence is Requested
at a
Great Big Fucking Pity Party
on behalf of
Kindly Uncle William

One, two, three...awwwwww.

C'mon, Your Editorness, it could be a lot worse. You could be facing a choice like this.   [++link]

1:27 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I don't know why they even have laws in South Africa.  [++link]

12:11 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It's my birthday. Wahoo. I hurt all over and I'm sick. But I outlived Mozart.

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have been less of a Suzie Derkins about wearing seat belts.   [++link]

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

11:17 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Try to be open and honest about all the weed you smoked in your wild-ass days, and watch what happens.  [++link]

6:23 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Don't worry, it's all pointless anyway.

Or if you want to put a positive spin on it, we have just over 875 years to find a new planet to pillage and destroy. Cancel the liposuction appointment and start learning to use a slide rule.   [++link]

6:12 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Two dead Muslims, one considerably more true to the calling of his faith than the other.   [++link]

12:36 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Boy oh boy, is Salon going to get a small sun's worth of flame-mail over this.  [++link]

10:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Don't worry, you aren't actually sick, you fat, malingering mope.  [++link]

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

6:17 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Don't worry, generic Prozac is probably cheaper anyway.   [++link]

1:19 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

The Brits are going to be up way past bedtime tonight toasting to our inability as a nation to comprehend the very notion of irony.  [++link]

12:45 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Looks like our respite from asshole student street theatre is over in DC. Much to my amusement, the very earnest organizers are calling it A20, but we all know it's 420 day.   [++link]

Monday, April 08, 2002

6:48 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"I'm delighted that Mr Guccione may be going out of business. The problem is that he is being replaced, quite possibly, by something that is much worse," grunted anti-porn activist Andrea Dworkin.
  [++link]

12:07 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

She calls the gopher derby a barbaric bloodbath, word of which will leave a stain on the province's pastoral image. She's a nurse, not a farmer, and the gophers aren't decimating her crops or leaving ankle-breaking holes for her livestock to stumble into. So we get another eye-roller about the collision between people who grow our food and the people who hate that they have to be such rednecks about it.  [++link]

11:54 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Go and read Cat and Girl comix. Yes, but it's a dry wit.  [++link]

Sunday, April 07, 2002

3:34 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This dumbass dies, he's a serious Darwin Award contender. Am I being harsh? I think I am not.   [++link]

Friday, April 05, 2002

6:05 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I never imagined for a minute that Peter Buck was going to do time for losing his shit on a trans-Atlantic flight. I was just waiting to see what sort of story his lawyers would sell the jury. I'm not disappointed.  [++link]

Thursday, April 04, 2002

5:16 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Count on the Reuters wire to bring us the titties, titties, titties.   [++link]

11:14 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Tibetan freed.  [++link]

10:31 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Maybe we can just send a few "military advisers" to France, wink wink, nudge nudge.  [++link]

10:02 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Life has a way of turning into a Monty Python sketch on you. In my case it's usually the Cheese Shop sketch, although I get the odd visit from Spiny Norman. And anyone who's ever shopped at Best Buy has had their version of the Dead Parrot sketch. But this guy wins hands down.   [++link]

9:12 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

UK Tabloid editors live for these little moments. Actually, they live for the day that Prince Harry is caught on tape getting pegged in his narrow pallid bottom by Christina Aguilera with a fringed strap-on, but until then...  [++link]

12:13 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

So, that fact that Anna Kournikova isn't all that competitive a player hasn't really hurt her tennis career. Oh wait, yes it has...  [++link]

Wednesday, April 03, 2002

1:04 PM ++ posted by Maggie ++

Hmm, maybe your affectionate kitty actually has an ulterior motive.  [++link]

11:28 AM ++ posted by Anonymous ++

So, you've got Strict Constructionists and Loose Constructionists interpreting the Constitution. And then, you have the Horrifyingly Absurd Constructionists. For years I have wondered if perhaps Antonin Scalia were conducting some kind of Orwellian performance art project while cleverly disguised as a Supreme Court Justice. Has he ever had a non-abhorrent opinion? And Thomas just doubles him up. They're like the Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder of Wrong.   [++link]

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

10:46 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

I'm dead serious about the French going on our hit list. Believe me, it would be worth it just for the boost it would give the coalition-building process. The UK would be behind us down the the Guardian subscribers.  [++link]

10:11 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

This guy gets a salary for taking a week to shit out a column that says nothing more than "bl0gg0rzz SUK B4llzzz!!! cuz URA FAG!!!!" I do this every day for nothing, of course, which seems to have caused some offence.   [++link]

Monday, April 01, 2002

10:55 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Okay, your Foreign Affairs Desk Chief is seriously behind Your Kindly Uncle William on this kicking France's ass business. Anybody who would come up with something this fucking stupid deserves a collective, weapons-grade, Buffy-Meets-Chow-Yun-Fat ass-kicking.   [++link]

10:47 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Speaking of staying up all night, head to your local diner and celebrate National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month. That's not an April Fool's joke either.   [++link]

10:37 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

A few days ago, I posted something about Playboy magazine seeking former Enron employees for a photo shoot (scroll down, you lazy Siberian fartknockers - that's four - I haven't figured out how to link to other Enormously Fun pages). Anyway, I thought "The Women of Enron" idea was pretty grotesque. So of course the equal opportunist in me has really mixed feelings: is this equally appalling, or funny as shit?

Now I'm gonna be up all night, alternately puking and giggling. Honestly.   [++link]

10:21 PM ++ posted by Mugs ++

Our leaders take paper dolls to international summits. This is not an April Fools joke.

I am seriously concerned that "Stanley" had more intelligent things to say than Comandante Shrub. Does this make me a bad American?   [++link]

10:01 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Lyle Lovett: Texan, poet, and nephew of the year.  [++link]

1:04 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

It seems a shame to have World War III without the French getting their asses handed to them. Can't we budget a weekend or something for some terror bombing, or a quickie invasion? We don't need to send special forces or anything; they're the French, they'll surrender to a cub scout field trip. Come on, who's with me?   [++link]

12:34 PM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Looking for a gift for the huge, pasty dork who has everything? These will make his wopping midsection jiggle dangerously with glee.  [++link]

9:27 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

"We don't have a 100% method of confirming whether or not an individual has eaten." Well, you could check the buckets...  [++link]

9:01 AM ++ posted by Uncle William ++

Editor's Note to All Contributors: I catch anybody posting a god-damned April Fool's gag on this blog, and I will exercise my editorial prerogative on you until my arm goes numb. You been warned.   [++link]

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